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Kids ALWAYS come first.....Really???

lynnly3's picture

This is something that has been on my mind for awhile. I am sick of hearing and reading the following sentence, "Kids always come first." I do not believe it is that black and white. It has always been my belief that the SITUATION determines who comes first. What kind of children are "we" raising to believe that they always come first?? I think this is a major problem with kids today and the cause of relationship problems. I love my son with all my heart, but he doesn't always come first. My son frequently has what my dad called, "the case of the wants." Well, his wants don't always override everything. There is a big difference between wants and needs. Sometimes I come first, sometimes my mom comes first, sometimes my fiance comes first etc,. Unfortunately, my fiance doesn't share this view because of his guilt of not seeing his kids on a daily basis. I think the biggest problem that divorced parents face is this very issue. Has anyone heard anything similar, "I only see them every other weekend, I know you need a new tire for your car, but my kids want to go see that new movie and go eat at that new expensive restaraunt for dinner and they come first." "I know it is your department Christmas party, but my ex won't switch weekends and I don't want to get a babysitter because that takes time away from them, so you have to go alone, my kids come first." Why can't your relationship and kids BOTH be important. Why can't you stand back and examine the situation and make a decision based on the right thing to do instead of your guilt? Relationships AND kids take time, effort, committment, and love. Shouldn't you work just as hard on being a good boyfriend, spouse, significant other, fiance as you do being a good father? Why is there such a great divide? I really believe you can be a great parent and a great fiance, spouse etc,. We are important role models. Your kids watch the relatinship dynamics that go on. If you don't SHOW your kids that your relationship is important and takes priority sometimes, what kind of spouse will they be?

caregiver1127's picture

I have to say that I totally do not believe that kids come first - maybe it is my age but when I was young we did not come first. My parents were a very united front and it was them then us. Kids need to learn their place and it is not on equal footing with the parents. This is happening because parents are not being parents.

When I first met DH he told me his son was important but so was being in a relationship with someone who will spend the rest of their life with him. And do you know what no bolt of lighting came down and struck him dead. These parents who feel that their relationship should take second place to their kids are doing a disservice to their children - the relationship should be first - then the children - children need to see what a loving normal relationship should be. Depending on the situation of your spouses ex - they may not be getting that picture. Our BM loves to date married men and loves to date a lot of men. My SS came home one time from a visit with her and told us with such pride "Mom dates lots and lots of men sometimes 3 or 4 at the same time" I told him don't go around saying that it does not sound good. When he thought about it he told me I was right.

I am lucky in that DH knows that if I am not first I am out of here and I really would be out of here. There is so much crap we have to put up with in these second marriages that I let him know ignoring me is not an option. DH knows that if I am not happy then no one is happy. Even SS when he comes to visit says "if mama ain't happy - ain't nobody happy" We laugh but they know that if I am upset I will do nothing for them. I maintain a good household - I cook dinner 6 times a night - I keep track of all activities - I make sure when SS is here we do fun things with him - so my household knows don't mess with me. I wish BM was on the same page - lol but I handle her as well and that drives her crazy.

Hatebeingasm - if I were you I would get his mom to babysit your daughter and kidnap your DH for a movie - don't let him decide you do it. When SS came to live with us FT - after we were married for 3 months - I would make dates with my DH every other week. In the beginning SS would try to come up with things to make us miss our date. I would not allow it - I told DH and SS this is our night and unless you are in the hospital we will be going out. Kids need to see that you both like to be with each other and spend time with each other. I have many girlfriends who are married to the original spouses who complain that DH does not want to plan and do anything with them. I always tell them you plan the night and then tell your spouse to get ready and go. I always feel that when you go out on a date (and I mean dress up - put on makeup - make an effort to look good - then your spouse sees you in a different light and there will start to be a more positive light on being a couple not just parents. Somehow parents today lost the concept of being a couple and now it is about being just parents.

So many Disney Dad's choose their kids over their spouses so why do we blame the skids when it is the DH or DW who has just shown them that they the kids are more important than the person they choose to marry. Maybe if skids could see that their parents respect their spouses they would to. Kids will only mimic and learn what we teach them.

quippers01's picture

"I cook dinner 6 times a night"

I know that was a typo but I still LOL'd...

You worded this perfectly IMO. I love my kids dearly and would move mountains to tend to their NEEDS...wants are a whole other story. I'm from the generation of "children should be seen and not heard" so I learned my place in life as a child and that is how I raise my kids. Not that their opinions and wants don't matter but they are not on par with the adults.

H is starting to see the light. I'm one of the lucky ones with a spouse who genuinely cares that I am happy and works at it. He may not always be good at making it happen but he does want it. It's a start.

caregiver1127's picture

Quppers01 - thanks for pointing that out but too late to edit it - yes it is 6 times a week.

I also am of the belief that children should be seen not heard. Ever since this has been changed to let them give us their opinions the world has changed and not for the better I might add. I always tell my DD and SS that if I want their opinions I will ask for it. And usually I don't want their opinions. lol

I also am lucky that my DH stands right by me in all things. Now only if BM would then life would be great. Someone wrote on one of the post today that if parents would love their kids more than they hate their ex's this new world of Stephood would be so different. How true!

caregiver1127's picture

Amen Mustang - my SS16 is so coddled by his BM that I can't even see him being able to work in the workforce - especially if mommy is not their to help him. She is still trying at the age of 16 almost 17 getting him to fly unaccompanied minor when he comes to visit - the airlines stop it at the age of 11. Also it costs $99.00 to do and she expects us to pay this - she is nuts. She also has made him into her little partner so he feels that when he comes to visit he is equal - it takes the whole two weeks he is here to reprogram him then thankfully he is gone again.

caregiver1127's picture

This is perfectly worded - like like like!!! Especially the part where there is not an inch between you, DH, but also your ex and your kids SM - this is the BM I wish I had!!!