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Come to the wedding or not?

Journey0601's picture

What would you do? My family don’t like my husband and he doesn’t like them.  There are two upcoming events where we have SD and DH said that they are both coming, but if I don’t want them to come they won’t.  I will add, other than my mom who doesn speak to DH, the rest of my family are nice and welcoming to him....

The first is celebrating Christmas at my sister’s on the 22nd, there will be a number of ppl there.  My family will buy SD a gift, but last time she came she complained that my son got more (my family barely know SD as DH has refused to attend any of my family Events since Easter)


the second is my brother is getting married NYE, the two little kids are in the wedding party and it is out of town for 2 nights.  We went to a family party of DH’s this past weekend and SD was dressed like she was a 20yo at a club (she is 11) I tried buying her dress Shoes and she didn’t like the two choices I bought her and ended up wearing ratty old running shoes... she looked ridiculous... and I didn’t care because it was his family.. but I would be so embarrassed if she dressed this way at my brother’s wedding.  Selfishly, I want DH there to help with the baby.... but the other part of me feels like telling them not to come, and he has said he won’t be upset by this and is okay not coming to either event.  I want him there, but am stressed that SD will be there too...they will most likely be attached at the hip anyways.




Aniki-Moderator's picture

If the rest of your family is welcoming to DH, take him. He and your mother can ignore each other. IMO, your DH needs to have a talk with SD. She should not expect a present at all.

Was SD invited to the wedding? Or you and your DH? If you and your DH were the only ones invited, either get a babysitter for SD, you go alone, or don't go at all. Personally, I would get babysitter.

Also, this girl is 11yo. While some freedom with clothing choices is fine, this is a special occasion. Why is your DH allowing his daughter to dress inappropriately??

Journey0601's picture

my brother’s wedding so me not going is not an option.  My 5yo and our 18mo are in the wedding party (ring bearer and flower girl) my SD was invited, she is the only kid invited not in the wedding party.  She is invited because it’s my brother and it’s New Year’s Eve and we have her... too hard to get a baby sitter for 2 nights away and DH doesn’t want to miss NYE with her and she would be sad with her step brother and half sister goingand not her. BUT if I don’t want, DH and her won’t come.


as for the inappropriate outfit? My DH is clueless or delusional... the dress was tight and short and has cut outs on her hips.... similar to the dress in pretty woman 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Your DH thinks it is appropriate for his 11yo daughter to dress like the prostitute in Pretty Woman?? OMG. It is not that difficult to select appropriate outfits (and it sounds like you did).

SD needs to wear APPROPRIATE clothing that is selected. NO CHANGES. If she refuses, then she and DH can stay home. He needs to stop coddling/Disney Dadding his child and be a parent.

elkclan's picture

My SO is not an idiot or a slacker parent, but he would be 100% clueless when it came to wedding attire for an 11yo girl or indeed for himself or the 10-12 yo boys we actually do have. When we get married, I'm just gonna let him rock the combat trousers and hopefully I'll be able to get him into a decent shirt that fits. He's a lovely man who knows a lot about science, but fashion wise... 

However OP - you can help with the shoe choice by giving the girl more options/choice in dress shoe. My mother was forever buying me shoes I hated and even now we have completely different taste in shoes. It caused more problems because she was forever trying to get me to wear shoes that show toe cleavage which I have a complete (though admittedly irational) aversion to. I would rather wear ratty trainers to a wedding than ballerina flats showing toe cleavage.

HBIC76's picture

Yeah I can totally relate. My DH has no comprehension on what is "proper attire" for his daughter or his boys. I would just flat out tell your DH that you are going to help with an outfit for SD. There is nothing wrong with a woman helping a young lady with their fashion sense at any given function. As I look back on it now, I'm thankful I had my mom there to save me from some of the disastrous outfits that I attempted. Sometimes 11 year old girls should not have a choice in what they wear. Sometimes they just need to be told. Period. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Siemprematahari's picture

With all due respect......How does a grown @ss man not know or comprehend what proper dress attire is? Does he have issues distinguishing clothes that are too tight, short, and revealing? I really don't understand this.

HBIC76's picture

What is ok to him is not "proper" with me. Im not sure why. Maybe all the "proper fashion sense genes" went to his sibling. I don't know. Seems the OP that I was responding to has the same issue.

susanm's picture

That seems somewhat common these days.  I had to go to several funerals when the skids were in high school where there were many of their classmates in attendance.  I was shocked at the outfit that OSD was allowed to wear but when we got there she fit right in.  All of the girls looked ready to hit "da' club" with short tight dresses in a rainbow of colors, sky high heels, and heavy make-up.  Sprinkled among them were a few girls in respectable funeral-wear but they were not the "cool girls."   And I don't want to even remember some of the outfits for Homecoming and Prom.  Let's just say that if they were dropped off in the wrong part of town it would have been difficult to tell which girls were headed to a dance and which ones were working. 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

My grandparents have already made it clear that my niece and nephew will get more gifts then my future step kids. HOWEVER they have also made it clear they will be getting the same amount and types of gifts when we are all together. My sister will have to return later with her kids to get the extra. They realize that this is MY family and as MY family they need to treat them the same when we are together. If they want to do more lately that’s fine but I would be highly upset if it were blatantly displayed in front of them and I wouldn’t return the children to that situation.

Basically in our home these are my children. They aren’t my stepchild and I’m not babysitting them. They are the same to me as my sisters are to her. The only difference to my grandparents is that we live 5 hours from them. They see my sisters children all the time and baby sit for them. They might also get my sister more then they get me but they will do it away from me.

It's not that way in your home. As you said it’s HIS family which is why you didn’t care about the shoes. His family, his kid, his issue.

You’ve also stated you want him there for the baby. There's nothing there about wanting her around.

Honestly I wouldn’t ask them to come. If it were a time where he could come alone that’s one thing but clearly it’s either both or none and personally I wouldn’t subject the child to anymore of this. She’s not your family.