"I still need the money for the trip..."
I FREAKING CALLED IT!
If You didn't read my last blog, short version is DH gave BM $200 for a myriad of things, of which over half was for the SSs to participate in a weekend retreat with their church.
BM says, in front of me last night, "hey, I still need the money for their trip."
DH: What do you mean?! That is what the money I gave you last time was for!
BM: *sheepishly* That was just money for their book fees...
SIDENOTE: Book fees were a whopping $50 of the $200. $110 was for the retreat, $30 was YSS's school fundraiser, and the extra $10 was meant to be split between the boys because DH didn't have change and didn't care about it.
DH: *angryish* I gave the money to OSS.
OSS: Mom, I gave the money to you.
BM: *flustered* I'll figure it out.
SIDENOTE #2: This isn't the first time that DH has given OSS cash to give to BM. Sometimes BM wasn't there for drop-off or she isn't "feeling well" so wouldn't come around, but her known-to-stealing-from-everyone XH was, so DH would entrust cash, checks, etc. with OSS. Not the best solution, but DH works on the literal opposite side of The city from BM and never feels like making his already hour commute double just to take her cash - cash that *really* should be coming out of CS anyway. The money has NEVER gone missing before.
Now, is it possible OSS kept the money? Sure. However, OSS is terrified of DH and what he might do if he crossed him (and not in an abusive sort of way; OSS knows the only reasons he gets to go on trips for school and have nice things is because of DH, and stealing would cost him more than what he'd steal). I'm putting 5% on it being OSS.
Now, YSS has looser morals than OSS, so I wouldn't be surprised if he stole money IF he thought it was OSS's. However, he's scared of both DH and OSS (same reasons as above for DH, and OSS is his best friend so he wouldn't want to ruin that). I'm putting 8% on YSS.
With the remaining 87%, I'm splitting it directly between BM and her XH. Why her XH you ask? Well, he is de facto babysitter for BM with her new job, and my understanding from rumor is that he hasn't been too happy about helping her for no pay off (read: sex). With his past of taking cash, I wouldn't be surprised if OSS handed BM the money, then BM left it out, and then her XH took from the pile what was left after she paid the school. I'm still only going to give that a 30%.
What I think REALLY happened? DH told OSS the money was for BM for the "school and other stuff", which OSS relayed to BM just saying "school stuff". BM saw the extra cash and, being broke, thought DH was being "nice" (or, in my sinister mind, thought she could spend it then and figure out how to get more later). So she spent it.
What I find curious is that it has been 2 weeks, and this is the first she has mentioned that DH didn't give her the money for the retreat. Wouldn't you think that if someone gave you $200 for something that only cost $50 that you'd call that person and say "wtf is this for?" Hmmmmmm...
Also, SO GLAD I am working from home right now, because in addition to the money fiasco, XH is picking up the kids one day over break to take them to the dentist because BM works.
If you're wondering why DH doesn't handle health care on his time, it's because BM has been engaging in Medicaid and insurance fraud. I could write a whole 'nother series of blogs on that, but DH has basically said that if she won't do it right, he doesn't want to be involved.
Why XH is involved is beyond me. But apparently, she wanted us to leave a key for the SSs so they could lock up behind as they left. I have no issues giving SSs a key, but I already don't trust BM coming to my home when neither DH or I am here. I REALLY don't trust her XH.
When DH told her that I would be here and the boys wouldn't need a let, she was crestfallen. WHAT?! WHAT WAS YOUR PLAN CRAZY LADY?! A sad "oh, okay" doesn't exactly earn my trust. New rule: no more picking up kids when neither of us our home, or scheduling appointments on DH's time.
THEN, she wanted to change the Fall Break schedule with DH and have him keep the kids over what is usually our "free weekend" so...she could...have time...with them? I still haven't figure out why this needed to happen.
I piped up then and said to DH, "we havr plans that Friday". DH nodded, BM scowled, and DH said he'd grab them Saturday night or Sunday, which is fine by me.
AND THEN BM said that the kids needed to be at the retreat by 5:30 on Friday of DH's fall break week, and DH said he'd get them there.
BM: Well, I have to meet them anyway, so I'll just pick them up here.
Me: No need, I can drop them off since I'm working from home.
DH: Sounds good! BM, that will save you some gas; you can just meet at the church since you already have to go there.
BM: *grumble*
SIDENOTE #3: The church where the retreat is is literally halfway betweeen houses. There is ZERO reason for her to drive to my house to get them. ZERO. NONE. ZILCH. And the church is on the way to a mall, so I'm going to make the most of my payday Friday evening.
If my SM Spidey Senses weren't tingling before, they certainly are now. I need to chat with DH about all of this today.
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Comments
Can he start paying items
Can he start paying items like the book fees and the church retreat directly to school/church?
It just seems like the kids would know better (aka have more sense) than steal money Dad handed over. They would know Dad is stupid. It's not like Dad would forget he gave it or how uch he gave. If he gave it once, Dad isn't going to hand over again. If kids want to go on retreat, why would they steal the cash knowing they'd get no more. Nope, they wouldn't.
The school he could, and why
The school he could, and why he didn't is beyond me. BM is CP and gets a massive discount on their fees. DH never pays the fees (which are always nominal), but pays for all their school supplies and school clothes. He gives BM $1,000 in CS every month. You'd think that would cover the $50.
The church is a little more sticky. DH is a militant agnostic and HATES church and organized religion. He sees it as a tax-free business that doesn't do nearly enough good for the money it brings it. The only reason he even pays for church-related things is because the boys go (though apathetically), but it's BM's church. She is the one connected to everyone, and DH wants to be as uninvolved as possible.
He could have gone to the church on Sunday and paid the youth pastor directly. However, I don't think DH thought the money wouldn't get there. He thought that because he gave BM money for the kids that it would ACTUALLY be paid for the kids. This isn't anything he is COed to pay, so I really don't think he thought about it. Maybe he will now.
And I highly, highly doubt it was the SSs. However, I don't want to be naive and thing it COULDN'T happen. The likelihood is small, but probable.
I know DH effed this up by giving her money. I think he knows it, too, because BM has a tell when she lies and, oh boy, was it on display. Not a lot he can do about it now, except continue to do nothing.
The Energy-Suck
I totally understand and bet all your vibes are correct. Bigger picture is, in reading your detailed blog, I see in you my own hyper-alert, hyper-vigilent, ultra-sensitive, already defensive, sleeps-with-one-eye-open-gripping-the-pillow-tight type of person whose attention to home security is ramping up in righteous self-defense - that's been me as a SM. I am angry that you, me, and so many others are going through this.
That said, today (and all I have is today: One Day at a Time) I am grateful, and much more comfortable in my own home now that SS isn't here... but it's potentially gonna flare UP if SS hustles and gets licensed, insured, enrolled, and attending CC in January. So yes, reading this TOTALLY shows me it can suck up all my energy, and how grateful I need to be because BM can no longer pull any of this b.s. on us, as yours is militantly doing to you.
All this really makes me miss my fierce, huge (Great Dane-sized), German Shepherd who passed from old age at 13 a year and a half ago. I miss him tremendously - not just my big, fearless, alert, smart friend & walking buddy, but the peace of mind thst NOBODY who shouldn't be in my home would be entering due to that dog. From his bark, or growl, you could tell he was a Large Scary No-Joke dog, and seeing him...
I am sorry you are going through this but also proud of you for doing what you have to to anticipate, counter, and neutralize BM's diabolical home-invasion plans (plus all her ongoing REGULAR bullsh*t). Before learning my SS's BM was more lazy than motivated by her evil and therefore not willing to put in the effort your BM does on being a specific pain in the *ss, I was as vigilent as you are now, and it sucked my energy and left little time for me to be invested in other, more positive aspects of my life. It is hell, and a total energy-suck, but yes I think you're doing what you need to to protect yours.
Oh, my heart breaks for you
Oh, my heart breaks for you about your pup. He sounds like he was wonderful and your whole heart was his (and I'm sure his was you).
I have come to a point of acceptance with BM. She is who she is, and despite my wanting, it won't change. Now, I just don't care. If she screws up, the kids will live here (which isn't a horrible prospect because the kids aren't awful and respond well to DH and I). I don't let her interfere with my plans, and I mean it when I say no. I don't care if I upset her anymore; not my problem.
DH got to that point, but when she cries poor and helpless enough, he starts giving in. Her "losing" the money snapped the spell, and he's back to "yeah, not my problem". Thank the heavens!
Your SS sounds like a nightmare, and your DH needs someone to hit him upside the head to knock off those rose-colored glasses. I'll kindly offer my services if you need them.