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He. Is. Not. Your. Husband.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I have had a suspicious for a while now that BM treats OSS like a husband. Not in a creepy incestual way, but definitely an emotional one.

My suspicions were confirmed last week. As I was picking OSS up from a friend's house, he was talking about how his friends were thrilled he was staying with us because they could actually text him while with us.

I asked why they couldn't text him at BM's, which is a valid question since DH and I pay for the phone that BM has never had an issue with OSS having (and "appreciates" us paying for since she "can't").

No, it's not because OSS (you know, the straight A student in early college classes who is in the top-tier band and does mission work...wild child, that one) isn't allowed to. It's that he doesn't have time because he HAS to help BM with EVERYTHING after school since she is so tired.

Dinner? OSS. Laundry? Usually OSS and YSS. BM needs a tissue? OSS. Snakes need fed (these would be BM's new 6' and 10' pythons)? OSS because she can't physically lift them.

I figured that there was some exaggeration there, but then, literally 10 minutes before dropping the boys off at the church retreat, she calls OSS. Where were they? At the church, on time, with me. Did they get snacks? Yes. Were they packed? Yes. Did they print out the permission slip?

Oops. DH, OSS, and YSS all forgot. Insert tirade, that I CAN HEAR THROUGH THE PHONE, about how she is soooo tired and they needed that and how dare DH forget, and she's stressed because she doesn't have money TO FEED THE SNAKES (no worries about feeding the kids or anything), and so on and so forth. 

Now, I'm putting the permission slip on OSS and YSS. And BM. This is BM's church. DH is already paying for the trip. DH doesn't go there, isn't on any list serves, etc. Not his bag. So, if the boys need something like a permission slip, they need to remember it. They are 16 and 12, live on computers, know how to work a printer, and have access to both DH and BM (and their youth pastor) who could have sent it.

But let's blame DH for a moment because he said he would. He said he would *before* his uncle died earlier this week. *Before* BM called him at 9pm Monday to tell him her XH wouldn't be taking the boys to the dentist (short backstory: DH avoids non-emergent medical care because BM likes to commit Medicaid fraud) so she needed DH to take off on Tuesday. *Before* we found out from the boys that BM ruined OSS's $50 tux shirt for band and we had to go buy him a new one (oh, and new pants for YSS because his are literally 4" too short). *Before* we found out when the funeral would be. *Before* OSS made plans with friends.

Basically, the week was a clusterfrack and the ONLY THING forgotten was a permission slip. But, ya know, that ends the world.

I watched OSS's face drop as she proceeded to lay into him and DH by proxy for not remembering one thing, yet she failed to mention many others. OSS finally told her it was a bad week, which just set her down the "well listen to the week I had having to work and still have no money" tirade.

So she shows up, late mind you, to see the boys off at church less than 5 minutes after she ends this call with OSS. OSS gets out of the warm car and doesn't immediately put his jacket on. She pounces on him for it while giving me a look. Listen witch, I'm not going to make a 16 year old wear a jacket in 50 degree weather to walk from a warm car to a warm building 100 feet away.

Then she digs in again about how rough her week has been and how she has no money and now she needs to figure out the whole permission slip thing (remember, we are at the church, which has printers, and the youth pastor who probably has extra copies). OSS asks where they are going. She has no idea.

BM. HAS. NO. IDEA. WHERE. THE. KIDS. ARE. GOING. 

REPEAT THAT WITH ME. NO. IDEA. WHERE. KIDS. ARE. GOING.

DH knows because it was on the permission slip that didn't get printed, but MOTY BM has NOT ONE CLUE where her 16 and 12 year old are going for two days.

At this point, YSS is paying zero attention and OSS is over it with her. He's been yelled at, b***hed to, listened to her talk badly about his dad, and had guilt trip after guilt trip laid onto him about money and snakes. He turns to me, in front of her, has a quick and fun conversation with me, and then turns back to her in silence.

Insert peeved BM face. She tells them to tell me goodbye. They do. She walks off with them.

I sped down backroads to alleviate my anger with this woman. It wasn't so much what she said, but the tone she took with it. She's too scared anymore to lose her sh*t on DH, and God help her if she does on me (I've already told DH that the likelihood that I'll keep quiet gets smaller and smaller the older the boys get). She pushed XH away. She needs someone new to use as her emotional punching bag, so she's using her 16 year old son.

I have kept my patience with her for a long time now, but it is wearing very thin. If she wants to be a good mom, then she needs to act like it. As it stands now, she's turning out worse than her own mother, and GBM is a special breed of cuckoo crazy.

Comments

Siemprematahari's picture

BM needs a job, needs to see a Dr for her constant exhaustion, and basically needs a freaking life period. If she's too exhausted to do anything for her sons than give custody to your H. She seems draining and I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have to deal with her. I hope you do on a limited basis because she sounds like a mess.

Take a deep breath and know you are doing the best you can under the circumstances. I just hope things improve the older they get.

lieutenant_dad's picture

She did finally get a job, which is why she is so tired.

She is constantly at the doctor with every ailment under the sun. She apparently has fibro, arthritis, carpal tunnel, chronic migraines, etc. She's an alphabet soup of diagnoses, yet every time she goes to the doctor for all these problems, they send her home because she's fine. I don't doubt that she is tired and/or in pain (she's a BIG girl), but aging comes with pain.

I'd also probably be less grumpy if it weren't for the fact that DH has documented injuries from morons in the military, yet he works 40-60 hours a week. My SF has rods in his back, yet works maintenace. My mom has several cardiac and joint issues, yet works full-time as a nurse. My dad has fallen through roofs, been burned, etc as a firefighter, and he still works. I just have little patience for NOT working or doing what needs to be done just because you're tired an sore. You have kids and responsibilities; deal with it.

She'd never give DH custody. She can't play the "poor single mom" card without the kids.

She is draining, and it causes me to engage in what she says so I'm not blindsided, but disengage from doing anything that would help her. I tried to be nice, but I just don't care anymore. I like my SSs and I hate that they have to deal with her. The only reason I even slightly engage with her is because of them. If they were little aholes, I'd do nothing.

thinkthrice's picture

working IS exhausting!   Buck up BM Buttercup!!  I can't believe these snowflake GUBMs!!

lieutenant_dad's picture

I just don't get it!

Like, DH is certainly not Father of the Year, and he is more Disney than I think he should be.

But for God's sake! At least he actually makes them shower and brush their teeth! I can't tell you how funky they smell when they come to our house, and how the funk magically disappears when they shower every day over the weekend (which they need to do because they are TEEN BOYS). 

At least he makes sure that they have college accounts set up, and food in the pantry, and internet access for homework, and clothes to wear, and coats in the winter, and shoes that don't talk.

No, DH isn't super engaged with them, especially now that they are older and want to be alone/do their own thing. I do think he should have pushed them more to be involved, or figured out ways to be more supportive.

But at the same time, he was the only one working for SO LONG. He was THE one trying to support both households, and given that he was a teen parent, I'd say he has done pretty damn well for himself and the boys. BM is the epitome of middle-aged teen parent stereotype, but I'm freaking FLOORED by it given that her mom, XH, DH, FIL, and MIL have offered and provided IMMENSE support.

I'm not crazy for thinking that she's a bad mom, right? I sometimes think that I'm too harsh because she DOES remember to take them to the doctor and she WAS a den mom, and she DOES make sure they participate in some external events (even if on DH's time). She is active at the school (or seemingly is).

But then, I look at most of that as the "fun stuff". Stuff my parents could rarely do because they worked to make sure we had what we needed. If BM wete juggling working full time AND these things, I could see her being tired. But she can ever only juggle one or the other, yet expects DH to juggle both. It just boggles my mind the hypocrisy, but then I wonder if I'm the hypocrite because I know DH would struggle, too.

But I also know DH would do what he had to, even if not doing it well, and wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Aniki's picture

Lt Dad, she's a CRAP mom!!!

My DH makes PigPen shower every day. That boy would likely go a week or more if he could get away with it - and he has a gf!

Gimlet's picture

You are not one bit crazy.  Not at all.

This woman has gotten by because your DH pulled himself up and worked to make sure that he could support himself and his kids and got stuck supporting her in the process.  Because if he's paying CS to a woman who isn't buying her kids clothes with it, but is feeding exotic pets and buying Halloween decorations with it, he is supporting her.  And there isn't sh1t he can do about other than watch his kids go without because her dumb ass isn't about to take care of it.

Getting them to the doctor is part of basics of the job.  Being a den mother is a luxury she got because of the support of others.  Many of us didn't get to do that for our kids, moms and dads alike, because food on the table comes first.   Your DH isn't perfect and you know that (who is, really) but he was out there working his tail off to take care of his kids.

Most of all, f*ck her for making her son feel like he has take care of her.  She needs to pull up her big girl pants and take responsibility for being a parent.  That's such bullsh1t.  She sounds pathetic. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

You're totally right. She sounds pathetic, and she IS pathetic.

She still wears all her Spencer's-level jewelry with her Hot Topic-level clothes that barely cover her cheap mismatched tattoos and oodles of piercings, with her stringy-long, botched-dye-job hair. She LOOKS trashy. She dresses and acts like a teenager, and she's 35 f*cking years old! She even has f*cking HELLO KITTY CLING STICKERS on her bedroom window.

Look, I play board games and am a nerd to the nth degree, but when I NEED to look and act like an adult, I f*cking do. She doesn't. Her outward appearance IS her inward attitude. She wants to be a teenager, so she acts like one. At the expense of her teenager who, you know, IS a teenager.

Thanks Gimmy. You're 100% right.

advice.only2's picture

Okay I had a mental image of what she looked like after reading your post, and you not only nailed what I was thinking, but exceeded it with the Hello Kitty Stickers.

lieutenant_dad's picture

*puts on best Sophia voice from Golden Girls*

Picture it. Hot Topic. 2002. Wide legged pants and rock band t-shirts as far as the eye can see. But little did they know that, eventually, teenagers would be fickle and all that inventory would be sent out to Goodwills across the great United States.

Now imagine a 250-lb, greasy dyed green hair down to her behind, 35 year old woman jumping for joy as she finds a pair of faded and ripped JNCO jeans in her size. The ball on one of her eyebrow piercings flies off her face as her *various* body piercings bounce behind the fabric of her ill-fitting t-shirt she got at a Christian rock festivals two summers ago. She smiles through a pale, periwinkle shimmer lipstick as her NEON ORANGE finger nails scratch at a stain on the jeans.

She skips up to the register and pulls money out of her Hello Kitty purse. She ponders if the pants are more important than her light bill, but justifies the purchase because "she needs pants for work". She slips the change back into her purse, jumps into her massive truck with a Hello Kitty steering wheel cover, then creeps slowly home so she doesn't burn *too* much gas since she "can't afford to fill the tank" in the six-passenger jacked up truck that she just *had* to have to "haul stuff".

advice.only2's picture

Maybe one of the snakes will eat her and solve this problem.

Knowing that will never happen as least you can have that happy visual next time you have to listen to her spew her bullsh@t all over the skids.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I actually have a legitimate concern about one of the snakes attacking one of the SSs, particularly YSS because of how small he is in comparison to the snakes. It's probably a mostly-unfounded concern that is linked to my dislike of snakes, but given that she has already passed off responsibility to OSS, I highly doubt she is or has done anything to make sure the boys are safe around the snakes.

thinkthrice's picture

to know wild animals often attack their "owners" and that some animals do not enjoy being human's pets.  Maybe SSs can release the serpents from their cages and go on an extended visit with you guys. 

Diablo

lieutenant_dad's picture

Also, because I *really* need to vent after a week with SSs:

I drove past a house with a million Halloween decorations outside as I was taking OSS to his friend's house (YSS was with us, too). I commented on how many there were and how cool it was, and both SSs said that if BM lived in a house that they'd have all those decorations, too.

And you know what? They totally would. We went to Target later that week, and they were pointing out decorations BM had bought for the apartment. You know, with that money she doesn't have to feed her snake, nevermind replace the tux shirt she ruined or buy her youngest pants that fit or her oldest a new, non-ripped winter coat.

Yes, kids, you'd have all the Halloween decorations in the world. Hopefully those skeleton cats make comfortable shoes and that Dracula cape keeps out the winter cold because BM certainly isn't going to buy you two anything so long as shr can buy herself something fun.

CLove's picture

ToxicTroll, on her rant to me back in July, called me a "non-working c@nt", and now, because of her brain injury a few years ago that has been causing anxiety and migrains (thats shes always had), she hasnt been working for oh about 2 months now. And they are letting her go next month and she will have only "transitional insurance". but they are giving her 30,000 thats right 30k, after laying her off, and a workmans comp settlement. While we struggle to pay her alimony and child support. So she can sit on her a$$ and just collect the money.

Geeze, what a prize cow your BM is. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Your BM is the epitome of an abusive cow. I'm astonished that Feral Eldest hasn't put her in the hospital yet (or vice versa).

I honestly think BM here just never grew up. She has this ridiculous dream of being a SAHM who will have a husband to brings home the bacon, etc. Except, women who get that lifestyle typically have something to offer. No man wants a woman whose only contribution is a latent case of syphilis, which he's less likely to contract because she's sharing her cookies with the neighborhood instead of eating them in her own bed.

As my sister has aged out of her teen years and into her early 20s, I totally see where BM just stopped developing, and at what point she regressed back to. It boggles my mind that someone can just permanently maintain being 19 years old.