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decofru's picture

Long but worth reading

I was told,  "I married you so you could help me with my child!", I answered, "then you married me for the wrong reason! And I didnt marry you to help you with your child, he has a mother!", He rephrased, "I married you for a lot of reasons and getting help with my child was part of them",...... One day he says, "I'm getting tired of doing this and that for the child when i have a wife", I answered "You should be saying, I'm getting tired of doing this and that for the child, when the mother is there! Wife has her own responsibilities to handle and they are more than enough she doesn't need extra load". In my mind Im thinking this man is crazy, if he, the bio parent responsible for bringing the child to earth by failing to condomise, he the bio parent who is legally responsible for the child is fed up of doing some simple chores for his son then why would he expect me to be okay with it! ME, who did not ask for the child to be born and Im not even related to him one bit?

DH has nothing to do when he gets home after work but he still complains about ironing his son's uniforms.. just one trouser and shirt twice a week for that matter!!! He is so incosiderate and thinks of me as a robot that never gets tired and a woman is super human! Who does'nt need help or at least cutting some of her load by having the child help out or at least do his own personal things! No! I have to do everything, for everyone! They can go and bath in the shower and leave the bathroom floor splattered with water and the super human must not complain when extra work is created for her, because she is programmed to clean up after everyone. I have to spend 2 hours on my feet cooking and washing dishes after having spent the day doing other house chores and let's not forget nursing the baby, rocking him to sleep every hour or 2, feeding him, bathing him, changing diapers and entertaining him. Let's not forget myself, i have to bath and eat and SS has to be cooked for in the afternoon when he gets home after school because he doesnt like snacks like sanguage, crisps etc. I have to do what he likes even if it gives me extra work and its an inconvenience.

One morning he asks me what SS ate before leaving for school and i replied "I dont know". That reply made me an uncaring, wicked step mom. A mole hole turned into a huge mountain! "You have to pepare something for the child to eat in the morning, this boy is your responsibility, don't treat him any different from BS, If it was BS would you have given me the same answer that you dont know what he ate?" That's when i lost my cool, how dare he bring my innocent BS into the conversation!!. By then BS was 3 months old and waking up to breast feed in the middle of the night and I would have gone to bed tired from being on my feet cooking supper and washing the dishes without any help from DH or  SS (10) I would cook and serve them like a maid while they watched TV. After all this he then expected me to wake up at 6 in the morning to make cereal for a 10 year old boy who is neither blind nor crippled! Why? Because I am a robot I don't need the sleep or SS is a royal prince who is not supposed to do anything for himself and I his maid should wake up and do it for him?

Here is what I told him:

1. I am not a robot, I get tired!! I am a first time mother, first time wife, first time step mother, first time DIL all at once its a big adjustment especially to my responsibilities,  i moved from being responsible for only me, myself and I to being responsible for 4 people, laundry has more than trippled and being a mom to a baby is hard work, I wake up in the middle of the night every hour or 2 to nurse our baby so don't expect me to wake up at 6am to make cereal for a 10 year old capable of making it himself. Its not rocket science!! If you don't want him making it himself then wake up yourself to do it.

2: Dont you ever bring BS into this or compare him to SS, I am taking full responsibility of my child and I have never bothered anyone with doing chores or anything for him. BS is my responsibility whether i like it or not, whether I am with you or not. I chose to get pregnant and i chose to carry the pregnancy full term, some women chose to abort! So I brought him to earth and I will therefore take full responsibility for him as long as I live and I am HIS MOTHER the only mother he knows. We are related and have the same family forever (My mom, sisters and aunts, cousins, nephews and nieces are his family and he will always acknowledge and respect them, unlike SS who shows no respect to my young sister whenever she comes to visit, because he knows she is not his relative. A disciplined child knows to respect adults whether related or not. SS just lacks manners and discipline)

3: SS is ONLY in my life because I am with you, the minute we decide to divorce he stops being in my life, but BS will forever be in my life whether we stay together or not. SS actually has a mother, the person who is rightfully responsible for him. If you feel i am not doing right by him then do it yourself or take him to his mother.

4: SS IS NOT AND WILL NEVER BE MY RESPONSIBILITY!!! I did not ask to have him in my life, i did not ask for him to be born, truth can be bitter but truth is I am not related to this child one bit, I can not even be held responsible for my own nephews and nieces whom im related to, what more a child Im not related to!! I was not there when you and BM decided to fuck each other without using protection which resulted in the birth of SS, so why am i being bothered? 

5: SS is your responsibility with BM and NO ONE ELSE's not your mom or relatives but just the two of you, just as it was the two of you who decided to do the act that led to his birth. I can only help you with SS (your responsibility) and It is not a force matter or obligation. i will only be doing you and SS a favour! If you tell yourself that SS is my responsibility then you are making a huge mistake, you are very mistaken. You will not appreciate what I do for him because you think its my responsibility, so you will take everything i do for him for granted and forget to THANK ME. The BM is running away from her responsibilities towards her ONLY child,then I who has my BS to care for, should embrace the extra responsibilities and inconveninces?


They dont know that it is not easy caring for your own bio child, if they burden and inconvinience and force us with the extra responsibility (That is not rightfully ours) of caring for their children, and then take it for granted and not show any appreciation (because they think they are our responsibilities) step parents are likely to end up resenting those children and the bio parents as well. By marrying them, we are not signing up for extra burdens and being accused of being uncaring or not doing enough for their children. I would rather be given grief over children i brot to earth coz they are my legal responsibility and NOT children i didn ask to be born, who actually have a mother, the right person to be grieved. They can't be made to affect my life like that otherwise i will end up hating them! BM's and BD's Please relieve your spouses by handling your spawns and disciplining them as well, not to leave it all to the unrelated partner! If you do that then the Step parent will have less headaches. Acknowledge and appreciate that your spouse is taking on your Ex's job and it aint easy or fun!!! Buy a gift just to say Thank you not to complain about this and that. Children from 8 years are old enough to be given house chores , be it taking out trash, towelling dishes etc just to be useful and lessen our work load not to just sit and have evrything done for them as if they are crippled or royalty!! No one can love a spoilt useless s kid.


Thank you








Aniki-Moderator's picture

Wow, he's being a total butthead. If he was a single parent, who the heck does he think would be doing everything for SS? Mary Poppins? Sheesh.

Mystic18's picture

I am so sorry.  I think it's important to keep in mind that your bio son will grow up watching you be treated this way.  From the sounds of it, and rightfully so, this is not an example you want set for your child.  This isn't only prehistoric and ridiculous, it's my opinion it's fairly abusive as well.  We marry men with children because we love the MAN, not because we can't wait to be a new 'mommy' to a dysfunctional brat. 

The parents who shove their own legal and moral responsibilities to their own children on to the stepparent need a dose of reality.  As stepparents, we are responsible for that child's safety, lodging, food, etc - their basic needs.  Is there food in the house? Great. You've done your job.  Are you refraining from hitting and/or strangling the child when they act like assholes? Great.  You've done your job.  Do they have a bed with pillows and blankets? Great.  All done.  Lastly, I think we should be kind as often as humanly possible.  Outside of that, you are not married to the child.  And it sounds to me like your husband is kind of acting like one.  

I'm sure this isn't easy.  You sound frustrated and at your wit's end and I don't blame you.  Please, please keep in mind that it is far greater for children (your son) to grow up in a home with love and mutual respect than this notion of parents need to stay together 'for the kids'.  No.  Choose yourself and choose your son.  That's it.  

ESMOD's picture

You are correct... his son is not your responsibility.. however, if the deal with the devil so to speak was that you would get to stay home to care for the kids while your DH went to work.. then yeah.. his kid becomes part of your responsibility in the home.  It sounds like he has very traditional views (outdated) where the woman does the women work and man goes out to bring home the bacon.   That may not even be a totally bad deal if you are talking about a wholly bio family as a mother might love to stay home to raise her kids.  However, your situation means you would be obligated to take care of a boy that you have no warm feelings for.. and  in fact are disengaging from.  You can't have it both ways.. stay home to care for house/kid/home without him expecting you will care for HIS kid as well.  Now, you can go back to work and then the relative burden of his child can shift back to him.

It sounds like he definitely had expectations of you becoming the mother figure for his son... It's unfortunate that you both weren't on the same page before you got married and had a child with him.

Siemprematahari's picture

Your H must be from the cavemen era and I'm glad you let him know what your deal is. You are his wife! Not his maid, not a babysitter, not his sons BM, and definitely not a servant. When possible you should think of getting a job. Stand firm in your choices and if he doesn't like how  you treat SS than he needs to do it. The kid is 10 years old and is more than capable of making his own breakfast, cleaning up after himself and learning to iron his own damn clothes. Your H is showing you how to enable and cater to them all like a slave. Get the heck out of here with that mentality! Don't allow him to teach your baby that this behavior is ok.

TrueNorth77's picture

I am just baffled about the part where you are responsible for making a 10 year old cereal. My skids (9 and 12) have been perfectly capable of not only making food for breakfast, but also for lunch and dinner if we choose not to cook. Granted, it's not gourmet meals and even pizza, but other things they can microwave. We tell them to go find something, and they do. This has been going on for a few years.

Maybe you should start wearing your 1950's housewife dress too while you're making his perfectly-capable son his cereal. Unreal.

Winterglow's picture

FWIW, I have a daughter who has Down Syndrome and she was getting her own cereal a LONG time before she was 10! 

What kind of a pathetic apology for a parent expects his child to be waited on hand and foot (and I thgink I answered my own question there lol)!

decofru's picture

He just doesn't want his son doing anything for himself, to him its like he is being abused as if he is a five year old. So he wants me to be his son's slave?  when i am not even his mother! He is very unfair to me, only thinking of his brat and not me. I think he has the wrong mentality concerning the role of a woman, wife and mother!! It hurts when i am expected to clean up after their mess just because i am a woman yet i will be having so much on my plate, i end up feeling like their maid. I have friends with kids the same age as SS they tell me that their kids can make breakfast, lunch and dinner on their own, they help with either washing dishes or towelling them and putting them back in the cupboard. They do their bed and they wash and iron their own uniforms! Growing up comes with responsibilities and they help children mature and learn skills they will use later in life. SS is being treated like a baby that's why he even behaves like one, you find him literally crying over silly things like wanting to sit next to his dad on the couch! DH wants me to do SS's bed, run water fo him to bath, wake him up in the morning to go bath for school, pack his school snacks, prepare cereal for him, after school SS changes and throws uniforms on the floor and I have to pick them up and throw them in the hamper!! What does he take me for seriously!!! These are things kids of his age do on their own. It's not showing love but it is SPOILING the kid. No wonder he wants to get what ever he wants, no is a foreign word to him. He is allowed to do whatever he wills, they are no rules. if he wants to watch TV till 2am that's okay, he even watches programs with PG 13 to 21 there are no limits and boundaries for this kid. Why would'nt i hate living with such a spoilt brat??? At times i just feel hatred for both the kid and his dad. I didnt sign up for this shit!! iF HE WANTS TO SPOIL HIS KID, he must do it himself or take him to his mom and leave me out of it!!! If i refuse, Im told i have a wicked heart, I am a bad person. I have nicknamed SS Royal Prince! and i am his maid who says "at your service your highness"