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Vacation Curve Ball

ThatGirl's picture

Sorry, it's been a while since I've posted, but things have been going pretty well since I've totally disengaged. This one has just thrown me for a loop...

FH's Dad was just out to visit again and it was really nice. I managed to survive the one day the other skids bothered to show up to see him (even if they didn't come when invited on the weekend for dinner, instead showing up in the middle of the week unannounced and expecting dinner). SS13 who's still with us every other week was extra whiny the whole time his Grandpa was here, but I did my best to ignore it and let FH deal with him. FIL and I got to spend a lot of time together this time, and that was really nice.

After he left, FH said he'd like for us to spend our Thanksgiving vacation with him. Fine with me Smile We decided driving would be more fun that flying, and planned a road trip across country, with lots of sight-seeing stops along the way. There are lots of things he wants to show me. He even planned a stop to spend a day and night with my friends who'd moved out of state last year. After that, we'll continue on to his Dad's. We'll get to visit with his Dad, his old friends from the neighborhood, go to a football game, etc. He says we'll have to stay in his old room (it's just a 2br house), that we can prop up the twin bed against the wall and use our inflatable mattress. Sounds like fun and we've been enjoying planning out our trip for the last few weeks.

Never ONCE did he mention bringing SS13. Not once. Then one night he says he was able to get 4 box seats for the game he wants to see while there. I ask, "Why four? Your Dad's bringing a friend?" He says the fourth is for SS13. My mouth dropped open, I'm sure. I told him that he never said anything about bringing him along. Never a thing about where he's going to sleep while at his Dad's, questions about if my friends will have room for all three of us overnight, not even any mention of him while we were still trying to decide upon flying or driving. WTF? If I had know he was coming, I'd have wanted to fly. If I'd known he was coming, I'd have opted for a shorter trip. If I'd know he was coming, I'd have not made plans to visit with my friends.

If he could have just said something in the beginning, I'd really be fine, but I feel like he mislead me the entire time. I feel like he was trying to get me excited about the trip, before dropping the bomb. Something that I was very much looking forward to has now become something I'm dreading Sad I'm seriously considering telling him he should make it a Father/Son trip and go without me. Do you think that would be wrong?


twopines's picture

I don't think it would be wrong. It really does sound like he intentionally did not tell you.

ThatGirl's picture

That's exactly it. I feel like he deliberately withheld that part of our planning. I'd have made entirely different choices if I had know there would be three of us travelling.

I guess that's what I need to tell him, and then we can rearrange our plans now that I'm aware. I would much rather fly (being in a car with him for more than 30 minutes is pure hell)and I'd like to make it only a two or three day visit. I do not want to make a stopover at my friends, it would be rude to subject them to that, and embarrassing for me.

I think I need to talk this over with him next week, when skid is back at his Mother's. For now, I'll just have to live with these knots in my stomach.

Still Have Hope's picture

So tell him a visit with your friends is out as SS was not part of the plan and that you want to fly to make the trip shorter since SS is going. Tell your FH that not telling the truth about his plans for the trip is the same as lying to you. As an adult member of the family you should be included in all vacation decision making.

I have suffered many hellish trips with SDs. We pass by one of my high school friend's home on the 16 hour drive to my inlaws. She meet us for lunch as we passed thru her town. Skids were 14 & 17 at the time. As I seen dogs with better manners and I know they did it on purpose. They will never get that opportunity again.

Done WIth It's picture

Be honest. Tell him you were thrilled it'd be a roadtrip with the two of you and really really wanted that. But since he ambushed you with bringing a child, you now have lost the desire.

With all the crap that went down between my husband and his adult kids, the biggest loser called him (she still on his financial teat) and he invited her to join us for lunch. WHen I got in the car, he let me know she'd called and that she was going to me us.

I told him I had a problem him even seeing her, but I understood it since he was her father. He could drop me off at home and the two of them go, but there's no way I was eating with anyone who'd been so hatefully rude to both of us and never apologized.

He went on that he'd call her and tell her it wouldn't work.

I simply told him to have lunch with her, I understand parents take that ugliness from their kids, but she was not my kid nor did I have any friends who treated me the way she did. There's no way I was eating with the viper.

He called the nasty viper and told her it wouldn't work for lunch.

I could hear the hurt in his voice and told him that if she really cared about his feelings, she'd meet and say lets work this out. She doesn't want to because she wants to hurt him. Oh...and she said to him. "okay, love you".....that's the new saying now that gives them justification that they try so hard to be with daddy. "love you", but I'm going to be so nasty rude to you, but...."love you".

Yeah...the good ol' "Ambush".

Shaman29's picture

DH has done something similar to me and I just about removed his testicles because of it. The first year we were married was incredibly ROUGH because of his kid and Uberskank (BM). So we decided to treat ourselves to a weekend beach getaway. All we talked about for a month was "our" weekend getaway. Poof....gone in a puff of smoke when we stopped to pick up his kid on the way out of town. I said WTF DH? And his response was "The kid loves the beach, I thought she'd like to join us." Yeah.....DH didn't get any for a long time after that!

I feel your pain, I really do. Funnily enough we're leaving for vacation soon and I'm totally dreading it.

My family decided to have a reunion of sorts and my older sister vacillated on if she would have my nephew attend. I explained to my mother that I would only go if big sis didn't bring her deadbeat son, as the last time I was around him he threatened me. Mom felt the same way, because the last time he was with my parents, he stole prescription pain killers from them. This 30 year old man lives with my sister rent free and doesn't work. When he does work, he pockets the money and barely helps with expenses. The last time I was visiting her, he bragged about all the money he made that evening at work (he was busing tables in a restaurant). Then he had the nerve to turn around and ask for $20 and a ride to the bar where his friends were waiting.

I have no interest in being around my nephew, especially not a week in the same house. So I flat out asked my sister if he was coming. She said no, she'd be on her own. So we committed to this week with the family.

I found out two weeks ago, not only is my sister bringing him and paying his way....but she's also bringing her BF of less than 60 days to a family function. Apparently they haven't been separated since their first date and didn't want to go 8 days without seeing each other. Have I mentioned my sister is nearly 50???


Done WIth It's picture

SSDD for us all.

WHen my husband pulled that stunt today, I couldn't believe it. I had to take a deep breath, exhale...and calmly let him know what I thought.

I really wanted to bitch slap him upside across the head, call him an idiot, and tell him don't ever do that again. Instead, because he's a father with a nowhere daughter, because I see my mother sttil speak to my ostracized brother, because I watched Cindy Anthony defend her daughter and try to take blame on the web search........I spoke to him calmly.

Now get this. This is ancient history, but when my grandfather (never knew him, died when I was a baby) married my grandmother, on their way out of town, he stopped by an orphanage and called to 3 kids. They were his from a previous marriage and she knew nothing about them. Those kid had their meager things with them and jumped in the car as they all headed cross country to California.

My grandmother never got over that, she never accepted them...they hated her, she hated them...her life was miserable. THey set her hope chest and everything in on fire. To this day, my dad has a problem with any of those family members and would rather not have anythng to do with them. Far as I'm concerned, water under the bridge, they're my cousins, and I stay in touch. I don't tell dad, though.

But how would you like that, date, marry, on the way out of town, take in 3 children you knew nothing about.

ThatGirl's picture

Just wanted to update. Kiddo went back to his mom's for the week on Monday. I was trying to screw up the courage to discuss our vacation plans, when he beat me to the punch and sent a long email from work, saying he thought we should put the trip off for another time. He had a long list of reasons, all the same things I had thought about before even knowing he planned on bringing SS... then also mentioned that I didn't look too excited when he finally did tell me about bringing SS, and acknowledged that it would be better to plan a trip that was just us, as well a shorter trip that included him.