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They did it again to my DH! I'm pissed!!!!!

kayjoy21's picture

Another slap in the face by SD9, our Christmas holiday started Dec17 and ends Dec26. Well last time we had the girls the youngest 6 said she didnt want to come down anymore, my DH rule is I will never make you come to my house I would love for you to so I can see you girls but I am never going to make you. So we knew that we where only getting one girl for that time, sucked but we will deal with it I would rather her stay home with BM then come here a cause problems.
Well Friday came and our time stared at 6 pm it was about noon when we got a text from BM saying that know the oldest doesnt want to come down. My DH calls to talk to his daughter to find out whats going on, she tells him she doesnt want to come down but she will come down the day before Christmas (for the stuff). My husband said no I work the day before Christmas she said no she didnt want to come and AGIAN left my DH heart broken (that just pisses me the BLANK off) I start crying cause I see the hurt in my H eyes his girls have become so selfish!
I know the biggest reason for them not wanting to come here its me I make them follow rules I make them mind so does their dad but when he is at work its all me. At their moms house they dont have many rules they can pretty much do as they please. So yeah at that age doing whatever and knowing you wont get in trouble is great.
I am at the end of my rope I want to yell at those girls so bad for hurting my husband the way they have, to be real honest I dont want either if then in my house anymore. What do I do any advice?


aggravated1's picture

He is making a giant mistake by NOT making his girls come in. He will have no relationship with them at all in less than a year, because he won't ever see them.

Plus, even to kids that young, he looks spineless, and they will learn how to work that. My advice? Visitation agreements are there for a reason. Enforce them. Those kids are too young to be making those decisons, and your husband to be quite frank, is an idiot if he doesn't make them come in. Are you still giving them presents? No way in hell would they get a thing.

Milomom's picture

Sorry kayjoy that you are going through this.

However, I totally agree with everything aggravated1 just wrote above.

It is your DH's LEGAL RIGHT to have his visitation time with his kids - and it is to be encouraged by BM at all times. Your DH is allowing his kids to make ADULT decisions. Wrong, wrong, wrong in every way. This is a recipe for disaster.

If the kids are visiting DH regularly, they will no longer see it as "visitation", they will get used to it as "normal". They will not know any other way. They will also learn that they need to ask PERMISSION for the visitation schedule to change, subject to THAT PARENT'S ANSWER.

I lovingly refer to how your DH thinks as "doormat status" - he is NOT doing his kids ANY FAVORS by having the whole "I will NOT force them to visit me" attitude. In a short time, he will no longer see skids at all. He needs to grow a spine/some balls and stand up for himself. What is wrong with men like this?!?!

Sorry kayjoy, no offense intended. Just trying to help.

aggravated1's picture

DH did this with SS when he was 13, so I have some experience with this. I truly believe that SS and DH would have a relationship today if DH had not given SS "adult spousal status" and let him make those decisions. After that, he lost all parental authority, and SS got way too big for his britches.

They do not even speak now, and have disowned each other. Oh, and as for the presents-if he lets those kids come in just to pick up gifts and leave, he is establishing himself as nothing more than a wallet for years to come. I echo Milo-what is WRONG with these men? it never ends well. NEVER.

somerg's picture

he needs to make them come out regardless. my dh and i had that same issue with out girls (only coming out when they REALLY wanted to or for a big special activity). We quit telling them when we planned out of town trips/vacations because only then would they REALLY want to. Now they come see us every chance they can because there was A LOT they missed out on because we didn't tell them.

dh told them you'll come out if you want if you miss out, you're problem. come out when it's chore weekend AND play weekend and you wont miss out on play weekends

kayjoy21's picture

So your telling me have them come cause problems her disrespect me my H and my family here. Cry throw fits yell act ugly and just deal with it cause they need to see their dad thats fine we will be wrong! If they chose not to come that fine and to tell you all down here they are old enough to make an adult decison thats how they are with their mom not dad they told the judge thats what they wanted!

aggravated1's picture

You do know that if your DH doesn't see his kids at all, BM can take you back to court for more support, stating that he takes no visitation and has abandoned his kids?

hbell0428's picture

I agree with all of this; those kids are too young to make that decision. I make my kids to certain things; too bad; they'll live. Being with dad on Christmas is just something that should be. then they don't get the presents. They are only this way because they are aloud to be... Good luck, take care and have a good Christmas!!

kayjoy21's picture

WE HAVE!!!!! They have no TV in their room, no toys and they cant play the wii. We have grounded them we have done time out we have spanked all this and it is a never ending battle.

SusiQ's picture

kayjoy - I'm sorry you're going thru this - I really am. I'm currently living the end of your situtation. My DH never enforced visition with SD so we only saw her every so often and then it just stopped. DH never did anything about it because he didn't want to have to deal with the ugliness of forcing her to come. Earlier this year, my DH signed paperwork to terminate his rights to my SD at her (DSD's) request - after 8 years of basically zero contact. Her SF who has been a part of her life since the divorce when SD was an infant planned on adopting her.
I understand how frustrating it can be to watch your DH go thru this and how hurtfully it is. I do not disagree with my DH's decision but I feel really horrible that it had to come to this.

As long as you & your DH are ok with his decision knowing that the outcome will basically be zero contact for the rest of their lives. I hope that my SD will someday want talk to DH, I don't think it will happen.

People can disagree with me but life is what it is.

jlot's picture

Wow, I am sorry that you are going through this. I just wanted to offer a perspective not as a stepmom, but as a child who witnessed this growing up.

My dad had 4 kids with his first wife before meeting my mom and having my 2 brothers and I. When we were young, 2 of the kids (my half siblings) didn't want to come over anymore. They did very much of the same thing you are describing: wanting the other kids to bring their gifts to their house at Christmas, etc. Now, 30 years later, they will have NOTHING to do with my dad...BUT will still expect gifts/money on Christmas and their birthdays.
My dad (I love him dearly) did not do the right thing by letting them choose their visitation with him. Eventually, they chose not to be involved at all, and to not deal with it, my dad didn't object.
In fact, a few years back, my half sister wrote my dad a HORRIBLE letter about his parenting (lack there of) and how she has no respect for him. It was horrible. Absolutely horrible. And what is more horrible is that my dad should have stood his ground with the kids, I bet things would have worked differently.....just my opinon.

Even if they throw fits, or are angry they need to still come to your home. Keep the schedule...keep them in contact with you guys, in the longrun, it will be the best for them and your DH...and you too.
Good Luck.

Rags's picture

He needs to TAKE CONTROL and quit giving his testicles to the BM and his brats. They should not have the choice. It is his time and HE needs to take control of it.

By repeatedly allowing BM and the brats to break his heart he is CHOOSING to be the victim. There was a recent article that someone posted from the StepTogether web site that was by a BioDad expounding on this very topic. Your DH is doing his children no favors by abdicating his position as the MAN and FATHER of his family and he is denying YOU your right to marriage to a MAN who puts you first and protects YOUR marriage from the vitriolic drama that his XW spouts.

When he takes them for visitation, if they misbehave, he can put them in separate rooms alone and keep them away from the other family members until they either pull their heads out of their asses or until visitation is over. Every time they visit, same routine. Eventually they will catch a clue.

His brats need to see how a confident MAN and FATHER parents and the example of how a mutually respectful loving marriage looks. If he does not grab his sack and step up, he is choosing to live as a victim, choosing to abdicate his position of FATHER to his XW and is choosing to deny you a marriage to a MAN.

Just my thoughts of course.