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Would you continue relationships with your Skids and BM's family if BM was not allowed contact?

southernshellgirl's picture

I would love some opinions on this.

As it is for now, BM is supposed to begin supervised visits at the Court as soon as they have an opening. Bm is not allowed any form of contact with SD outside of those visits.

DH and I have what I would consider a good relationship with BM's mother, who has been the one to call us the last two years when she knows BM is putting SD in bad situations.

But then,DH and I can tell that BM's mom switches sides and begins to defend and protect BM when bm turns to her for help.

Just like now, BM is living with her mom, and from what her mother said to me the other day, bm is not getting treatment for her meth addiction, was hiding the results of her drug test from her parents, is not working and is not attending counseling because she doesn't like any of the counselors her mother takes her to.

before BM moved in with her mom, her mom told me she was going to require BM to go to rehab or at least counseling as a condition of her moving back.

So what I see is that while BM's mom may be a good person, like so many other parent's of addicts, she is snowed by her daughter and allows her daughter to guilt her into enabling the bad behaviour.

the irritating truth is, at the moment, BM's mother is the only reason BM is able to comply with the court's recent orders and have a chance at seeing SD. BM's mother told me she is paying $300 per mo on BM's bipolar meds, and will be paying the $200 per drug test for BM. All the while it appears to me BM is doing NOTHING.

We have invitied and allowed BM's mom to see SD at our house, as well as including her and her family in Sd's bday party last month.

But Dh and I know that any info we share with them is taken back to BM, along with pictures etc.

which is not in it's self a bad thing, but allows BM to not have to speak to Dh about SD.

The last time she text DH she asked, "How's my baby doing?". DH responded, "OUR daughter is great." BM text again, "MY DAUGHTER" and Dh replied, No, ours, her name and DH's.

SHe replied, "grow up and leave me alone"

That contact, while not productive, allows us to get an idea of how BM is really doing. When her mom gets the info from us, BM does not have to inquire.

What do you think, would you continue contact? Are we doing the right thing for SD, or just helping BM?

Comments

Crizzle's picture

but the benefits to SD outweigh any little bit of help BM gets. My skids mother is only allowed supervised visits too, but she hasn't been to one in almost a year now. It took a while for BM's family to realize BM was manipulating them, but they did EVENTUALLY get it. We do let the skids go stay with BM's sister and parents, because none of them will allow BM around. They don't want to be responsible if anything happens if BM were to show up. BM has burned all her bridges with her family, so we feel they are safe with them. BM doesn't live with her mother though like yours does, so I definitely wouldn't allow any overnights at grandma's because that would be in violation of the court mandated supervised visits.

"If your going through hell, keep on going, don't slow down, if you're scared, don't show it, you might get out before the devil even knows you're there" -Rodney Atkins

goodmom's picture

You are lucky BM's family sees her for what she is. We are dealing with a family full of denial with ours. The only one who seems to get it is BM's Step Father....imagine that.

Having a baby does not make you a mother.

Crizzle's picture

It took a long time before her family did FINALLY see her for what she is. They even testified for us at the custody hearing. It really was irritating watch them back her up over and over and over again and hand her money all the time when I could see her manipulation coming 10 miles away. She is really quite predictable in her witchy ways. It is a relief that they did finally get the picture. Maybe the ones you are dealing with will get it...someday.

"If your going through hell, keep on going, don't slow down, if you're scared, don't show it, you might get out before the devil even knows you're there" -Rodney Atkins

Crizzle's picture

It took a long time before her family did FINALLY see her for what she is. They even testified for us at the custody hearing. It really was irritating watch them back her up over and over and over again and hand her money all the time when I could see her manipulation coming 10 miles away. She is really quite predictable in her witchy ways. It is a relief that they did finally get the picture. Maybe the ones you are dealing with will get it...someday.

"If your going through hell, keep on going, don't slow down, if you're scared, don't show it, you might get out before the devil even knows you're there" -Rodney Atkins

southernshellgirl's picture

I appreciate you sharing your experience.

If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take for her family to see the manipulation? and What was she doing that finally convinced them?

BM's mom was all talk about how she was taking her hands off BM and not going to give her anymore money or pay her way. She said she was no longer going to pay for BM's actions and BM is an adult and has made her own choices. Then as soon as we took BM back to court she jumped right back into protection mode.

She did take interest when I informed her that the drug testing place told DH they called BM with the test results and spoke to her about it, and BM had lied in court and to her mom saying she hadn't gotten any results back yet.

She asked if DH and I would keep her informed of test results as we receive them.

We will, but it still frustrates me that she will continue to cover for BM.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I---
I took the one less traveled by,
and that made all the difference. -Robert Frost-

Crizzle's picture

How long? It took quite a while. My hubby and I have been married for 5 years and together for 6. They finally saw it last year sometime. DH says she has always been the way she is.

What was she doing? A lot. They just didn't want to open their eyes to it. The only time she would ever visit would be holidays and birthdays to get whatever gifts they had or if she needed money.
Her sister was in ICU when BM's birthday came around. Her parents were up there visiting BM's sister, so she met them up there to get her card, which she knew would have money in it. She didn't even stay for 5 minutes. Basically got what she wanted and left.
There's so much, I am trying to pick what stands out most...
Her daughters were molested by her boyfriend. Social services ordered her to have no more contact with him. She let him move right back in, while lying to everyone. She alos told the girls to tell the police they lied about the molestation, so she could keep her BF. The girls told us the real deal. Social services gave us emergency custody.
She continued to bum money off them and tried to make them feel sorry for her because she lost her gov't apt. when she lost the kids. She told social workers she would do ANYTHING to get her kdis back yet she repeatedly missed her mandatory parenting classes, and was seen several times by her sister with her molester boyfriend. That is what finally opened her sister's and parents' eyes. She kept telling everyone that she had no idea where this guy was, but was spotted with him again and again. They then realized that they were enabling her to continue her crap and thus told her she is not welcome anymore. We hired an attorney to seek permanent custody. She wants everyone to feel sorry for her because she has nothing, but she won't get a job to try and make something of herself. She is still with him and he beats her all the time. She stopped showing up for her supervised visits after we gained custody. The girls have seen or talked to her in nearly a year. One thing we did that our attorney advised us to do and you should too is keep written records of every action she makes-how often she calls and visits, how long she actually talks to the child, and whether or not she says anything inappropriate, anything you witness first hand that will give you a leg up. If you see something she has done on the internet, print it up. Keep BM's mother updated on what BM is and isn't supposed to be doing according to social workers or courts. Maybe, eventually, she will spot the nastiness in that woman and will decide enough is enough. It took us a long time to get to where we are, but the skids are finally safe and away from that wicked woman. Now we are trying to unteach them some of the ridiculous ways of her life and show them a better lifestyle.

That's just a smidge of what she has been like. There's so very much more. She isn't the least bit embarrassed about any of it either. She still walks and talks like she is superior and doesn't have to follow anyone's rules, but everyone has to follow hers. She is just a complete piece of trash...really.

"If your going through hell, keep on going, don't slow down, if you're scared, don't show it, you might get out before the devil even knows you're there" -Rodney Atkins

goodmom's picture

"So what I see is that while BM's mom may be a good person, like so many other parent's of addicts, she is snowed by her daughter and allows her daughter to guilt her into enabling the bad behaviour."

First of all DING DING DING. This is totally BM's mom. GM has guilt because it is a great deal of her fault that ALL of her children turned out crazy. The woman was married 16 times! No joke. She was legally married 16 times and all the kids went through 16 "daddies". Obviously GM has mental issues too. GM is also addicted to papin killers and lies where BM is concerend. We stopped letting her see the girls becasue she would sneak in visits and phone calls with BM behind our backs. BM was supposed to have no contact untill she completed a treatment program and she never did. GM is in denial that BM is mentally ill even though she has almost killed herself three times just this year. Scary.

BM's crazy sister got my personal cell from GM and started calling and harrassing me. I have never met her. She lives in Orlando and we live in Georgia. SHe called me home wrecker (total bullshit) and told me the girls were none of my business even though I am the one raising them. She hasn't spoken or sent the girls a B-day card since they were born but she was telling me they were none of MY business. She sent threatening texts untill I finally had to change my number. I never gave the new number to GM because I KNEW she would give it back to crazy aunt.

BM's entire family is off especially the females. Mental illness runs heavey and it worries us for the girls because it's hereditary. BM has had two female family members who hung themselves. Her Aunt and her mom's mom.

If we did get FULL LEGAL custody we would probably let them visit but I think all visits from that side of the family would need to be supervised. GM tells the girls to lie to us about things so she could sneak BM around them with out supervision and then tell the girls to lie. She has done it many times before and the only way we found out was onr of the twins slipped. When dealing with severe mental illness and drugs there is no room for lying and sneaking around. It's a real safety issue for the kids. The scary as hell thing is none of them seem to realize this.

Having a baby does not make you a mother.

southernshellgirl's picture

Her mom is admitted diagnosed with bipolar also, and BM's twin sis had drug problems.

We brought the mental illness thing up to SD's pediatrician. I read that children of parents with mental illness have a higher liklihood of having the illness also, but it is difficult to tell for certain how much is genetic and how much is learned behaviour or damage done by their exposure to the mentally ill parent.

All the more reason these BM's who have shown evidence they are a danger to the kids should be allowed only supervised access, or none at all.

The Judge told BM in Court, "I believe kids have a right to sober parents." I think that should extend to a right to sane parents too.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I---
I took the one less traveled by,
and that made all the difference. -Robert Frost-

Conflicted's picture

I think you should keep in contact with BM's family just make sure you keep an watchful eye out at all times.... BM's mom will always back her daughter and will always feel bad and/or guilty when it comes to her.... thats her mom what do you expect? Clearly bm's mom knows that bm has issues and cares very much about skids and protecting them but because she does get snowed by bm I'd just keep an eye out but I'd still keep in contact....