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I've fallen in love...

southernshellgirl's picture

..with the idea of adopting SD.

I know it's silly, but I think the thought has always been in the back of my mind, I just have never allowed myself to entertain the idea. Maybe because of guilt because she has a bio mom and I have never wanted to replace that. And maybe because of fear that there is no chance it will ever happen.

It's crazy, but I almost find myself jealous of other posters who have been dealing with worse BM situations than I, as I get to thinking, "If only BM did that, I know the Court would be able to terminate her rights".

Please feel free to tell me how nuts I sound.I do feel very sorry for those in the situations, I don't mean at all they are lucky.

I feel I have reached the end of my rope in wishing for BM's recovery, I've been forced by BM to abandon the fairy tale "one big happy family" dream I had when DH and I first got together, and my logical mind is looking for an absolute resolution. Before I was ever so content with the fact that I will always be the "bonus" parent and it will be up to Dh and BM to make all the decisions for SD. With me having input on DH's side of course. I was okay with sitting back and being "just the step mom" in SD's life. I'm feeling quite different now.

The Judge's statement to BM that this is her last chance to do right and she is facing never seeing SD again, has me seeing the light at the end of this tunnel, and now that I've allowed myself a glimpse, I just can't stop thinking of it.

Tomorrow night is sneek a peek for SD to get a look at her classroom and meet her teacher. This is her FIRST experience with school, BM is not allowed any contact with SD at this time, and DH will be working. It's just going to be me taking her.

Five years ago, I would have said it was not possible that I would be the first and only one to take SD to her fist day of school, yet here I am.

I love SD so very much, and I want to protect her from any harm. I see BM wasting her relationship with SD, and being the worst example to her. It makes me want to jump up and down, raise my hand and say, "Oooh, me, me, let me do it!" Smile

Maybe part of me allowing myself to think this way now is because I am a bio mom now too. Before, I took to heart some of what BM would say, "you can't know what it's like, you don't have a child." Now that I do have a bio child, I can see how my feelings and thoughts about what was best for SD were just the same as what I feel as a bio parent.

BM is mentally ill, and her illness makes it impossible for her to make decisions that are in the best interests of the child. Or anyone else for that matter. Maybe it makes me a pessamist now, but while I know some people go on to lead normal healty lives once they learn to manage their bipolar disorder, I cannot allow myself to believe BM will ever be one of those people. I will not allow myself to trust her again. To me, she has taken a great unnecessary risk of causing or allowing harm to come to one of the most precious things in my life, SD, and she should NEVER be allowed another opportunity to do so.

Please feel free to give me your thoughts.

I know I can and do have just as much of an influence on SD as BM does, with our without legally adopting her.

DH and my feeling of termination of BM's rights are more than simply that. It's also that as long as BM retains her rights to SD, we will face having to go back to court who knows how many times between now and when SD turns 18. While we will go as many times as needed to keep SD safe, it weighs heavy on our family emotionally and financially. SD suffers from that as well.

I want to make it clear that regardless of my legal status to SD, I will never lie to her or deny who her biological mother is. She has every right to know where and from whom she came. And I could see that even if, after termination of her rights, bm were to miraculously get herself, and keep herself together, DH and I could consider allowing some contact to SD. The wonderful part of that would be that she would have no legal right to contact, and no right to take us back to court. DH and I would be solely responsible and able to make decisions about what is best for SD.

Honestly, after Dh has had to file suit in family court every year since SD was born, I think that the Judge can see a light at the end of their tunnel by termination of BM's rights too. I get that this is their job, but I know it is a difficult one. Especially when you see a repeat offender like BM showing no consideration for her child, yet insisting on fighting any attempt to allow that child a healthy life.

whew! happy to get that off my chest. Now maybe the thoughts I've been having can settle on this page instead of swirling around in my head repatedly.

Sorry this is so long,

And thank you for the time,



Conflicted's picture

Why is bm at risk of loosing her rights? Why isn't she allowed to be there at SD's first day??

If bm is facing this situation it seems she must have done something terribly wrong in which case I really hope things go your way!!

southernshellgirl's picture

I just typed it all out today to get an idea what we need to present at final trial,

it really began with BM's decision to intentionally get pregnant for the admitted reason of DH not saying he loved her. I think that shows her consideration for the child from the very begining.

Then was theats of violence, keying cars, slashing tires, denying visitation, theats to run away with SD...DH filed a suit and Court made her straighten up..for a while, then was her DWI arrest from the rollover car wreck she caused that could have killed her, arrest for assault causing bodiliy injury, violent incident with her mother when she had SD, posting topless photos of herself on the internet, posting photos of Sd next to a sign that said, "F**kin Sexy" on the internet, driving illeagally while her license was suspended and without the interlock device on her car....again Dh filed suit, this time got primary but BM still got extended possession time.... then BM has been diagnosed with bipolar but will not continue on her meds or return to the psychiatrist, was taken to the hospital for being suicidal, had 4yo sd calling people to beg for money so DH and I stepped in and CPS got involved and discovered she was on meth while she had sd with her. Had her brand new boyfriend and who knows how many others staying with her while she had sd, boyfriend refused a drug test by CPS, which means he is positive as well, BM refused to cooperate with cps and so cps told us we had to file suit to protect sd, BM avoided being served, then when she was hired an attorney and decided to fight having supervised access to sd, tested for very high meth levels as well as ecstasy on the court drug test, and in temp orders has only supervised access by court services and 6mo random drug testing, the first of which came back diluted. Bm did not pay any child support for the first 5mo it was ordered, then stopped working as soon as the first cs was withheld from her check. since then the only cs we received was with held from her tax refund(she committed tax fraud to receive) and from the unemployment she somehow managed to get but has stopped, and Bm has not paid her responsibility of med expensed in a year. she's back living with her mom, where the violent incident occured and she has no job, no car, and her mother is paying her drug tests.

Last I heard, she's reporting to some that's she's still having a lot of "fun".

I think that covers it.
thank you for the good wishes.

"It could be better... or it could be worse. For now, it just is..."

-Colorado Girl-

Chele's picture

I have my stepmom to thank for my life, as my birthmom, and then my dad's first wife could not/ would not do the job of helping to raise me. She became my stepmom when I was 8 years old, but she has been my "mom" always. Smile It took a lot of love on her part, and she says she is the lucky one! She never had to deal with a BM , as neither one of them ever came around in my life again, but it is still a labor of love to take on the job of raising some one els child. ~ 'Big girls don't cry"~ Fergie

Anon2009's picture

God Bless you for being willing to do that. Thank goodness SD has you in her life.

I feel sorry for judges in a way because it can't be easy to terminate a parent's rights, sentence someone to death, or to life in prison. But they also have to protect people, and the judge in your case has to help protect SD.

I do feel bad for BM for her illness but it's just not in anyone's best interests for her to keep her parental rights.

I think your adopting her is a wonderful idea, and I hope it all works out for you.

Colorado Girl's picture

I hope this comes to fruition for you.

This is your best case scenario.

You have always meant more to that little girl, and her to you, at the moment of impact...then ever imagined.

It'll work out. Regardless of the outcome, it will all be okay. Just take it a day at a time and embrace the moments like tomorrow when you are the hand she holds as she takes her first step in a classroom.

Your SD's BM will always struggle in every facet of her life. There is a good chance that she will continue on her path of self destruction and not get better. Don't hope for anything. Just let her be her... all the while you continue being your SD's hand to hold. Which is you just being beautiful you.

Big hugs.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

startingover2010's picture

maybe i should but i am having a very bad day so my response is coming from that.

why in the world would you want to adopt your sd? and if things with her are so great, why are u on this site?

southernshellgirl's picture

I realize I am very fortunate to have a wonderful relationship with SD, but it helps I have been a parent in her life since she was born.

The input, encouragement, advise and even criticisim I have received here on steptalk have helped me more than I can even explain. The people here are real people dealing with real issues themselves and to me are worth so much.

I also hope that I can offer some encouragment and advice to others who come here. Maybe not about difficult Skids, but the experiences DH and I have had in Court could be useful to some?

I'm sorry to hear you are having a bad day, I hope it gets better.

"It could be better... or it could be worse. For now, it just is..."

-Colorado Girl-

Colorado Girl's picture

Things with her are not great...not even close.

A stepparent can love their stepchild and come to this site to vent about whatever they deem ventable.

Perhaps next time, reading the entire blog will prove beneficial to you. Even her response to the first inquiry would explain a need for her to vent.

southernshellgirl is a kind and patient soul who could teach us ALL some invaluable lessons in life.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Stick's picture

Your stepdaughter is lucky to have you in her life, and we are also lucky to have you as a member of this site.

I hope you do get your wish. It sounds like that poor little girl has enough going on in her life, and you and DH would be the stability she needs. It also would take away, as you noted, so many different court scenarios.

One other thing it may help you with down the way is with any medical issues. I have been more responsible in the past few years for SD's medical issues here and have had to make sure that DH or BM sign off or give me permission because I am "only" the stepmother. The kid lives with me, and I had to have husband get on the phone and give permission for the insurance company to talk to me. DH lets me handle all of that, so he had to fill out paperwork saying that I am allowed to have full access to everything.

In your case, especially because SD is so young, I would hope that you and DH can get the rights. That way, God forbid, DH is every away from home and you take the child to the emergency room and you have to wait because you are not "the mother". UGH!!

Best of luck and God Bless You!!

... *** And Evilbitchstepmom - I know you are hurting right now and going through a really tough time, but this is one of those instances that we have all been up in arms lately. Just because this post isn't negative, doesn't mean that Southern Shell shouldn't be here. I know you are in a very different situation, but it's not right to degrade someone else's situation because it's not just terrible enough for everyone else. Sorry - but I didn't want to let this go without remarking. God Bless You too honey. I'm sorry things are so bad for you right now. **

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

southernshellgirl's picture

You are so kind.

The medical thing would be a relief, I'm sorry you have to go through that too. The worst part is that dealing with insurance company is already difficult, then you add being "Just the step mom" and it's a nightmare!

And DH and I would also like the peace of mind that if, God forbid, anything happened to DH that SD would get to stay with me and her little sister. From what I understand, BM would get SD and then I would have to petition the Court for custody, and likely loose as she is the bio parent.

And thank you for sticking up for me, you are a good friend, and have a lot of class!

"It could be better... or it could be worse. For now, it just is..."

-Colorado Girl-

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

From what I've read from you, your SD is a very lucky little girl! Smile