S/O Wants to take BM's parental rights away
FSD was SUPPOSED to spend the weekend with BM. What actually happened is that FSD spent the entire weekend with her bio dad and his family. There was to be no contact with the bio father. It says so in the divorce papers that BM signed. BM even said that the BD doesn't live in the state and that she never talks to him. She was lying apparently, surprise surprise. The bio family keep telling FSD that S/O is a fake dad or not her real father and of course she comes home to him very confused. S/O doesn't have any proof that BM is sending their daughter to spend time with the BD so what are his options?
S/O is on the birth certificate and has joint legal and full physical custody of FSD. The BD has had no involvement in raising her and has never tried exercising his legal rights. S/O doesn't want him having any access to FSD and he feels his only option is to terminate BM's parental rights because even if she is ordered not to allow contact with the BD, which it already says in the custody agreement, she cannot be trusted not to do so. What are S/O's options? We live in California. I read somewhere that Paternity can't be contested after two years of the child's life but that seemed to be for men who were tricked into thinking a child was theirs and it was revealed that they weren't. S/O knew she wasn't his biologically but he agreed to raise her as his own and signed the birth certificate and has been the sole care provider for her all four years of her life thus far. BM's involvement is sporadic and she tends to go to work and leave FSD with a babysitter or the bio family on her scheduled weekends.
Any advice is much appreciated.
I strongly suspect you won't
I strongly suspect you won't be able to "terminate BM's parental rights". You might, however, be able to adjust custody and visitation. I'd talk to a lawyer.
As for SD, your SO needs to discuss with her what a "real" father is. (In other words, a sperm donor may be a bio father, but he's not a Real Father.) One of the guys on here (Rags, I think?) had a great talk with his SS on this subject, hopefully he'll come post. If not, I'll see if I can find the link to his previous post on this.
Thanks! I don't think he can
Thanks! I don't think he can have her parental rights terminated either but that's what he wants to do. I personally don't see the harm in the BD having contact with FSD but I know that S/O isn't ready to reveal to her that he's not her BD and he doesn't want any competition. She's already been told and it's only a matter of time before she starts understanding what is being said to her. I think he needs to tell her but I know he would much rather not have to. He wants this guy to go away. I think that S/O should get CS from BOTH BM and BD but S/O just says he doesn't want anything from either of them. I always tell him it's not for him but to no avail.
I'll just tell him to talk to a lawyer and maybe even look into getting a therapist to help him tell FSD the truth.
Could your DH sue BD for
Could your DH sue BD for child support?
I'm not sure but he won't
I'm not sure but he won't even ask for it. I suggested this to him and he said the same thing that he said about asking BM for CS (BM doesn't pay any CS), he doesn't want anything from the BD.
But the money isn't for HIM.
But the money isn't for HIM. Even if he doesn't need the money to raise the child, a child's parents should have SOME financial obligation for raising the child they made!
Get CS (from BM at LEAST) and then put it away for a college fund, if he truly doesn't need it. What about you? Are you expected to subsidize this child that isn't even your DH's?
Yes I am. We're not married.
Yes I am. We're not married. We're not even engaged but when we had the conversation about CS I asked if he expected me to be financially responsible for FSD. His answer was yes. I said that it isn't fair to ask of me anything he's not willing to ask of her mom. For example, S/O's daughter is bi-racial and has very curly hair. S/O and his family are not used to her type of hair so as a result her hair never got done before he met me. Not even by BM whose hair she inherited. S/O now combs her hair more frequently but still struggles with doing it everyday. Her hair still doesn't get touched when she goes to BM's house. BM puts it in a bun and leaves it in the entire weekend. Doesn't even take it out to make a new bun. I know that S/O would want me to take over that responsibility if and when we marry. My only problem with that is, I feel like me trying to do her hair will make me the bad guy. S/O doesn't like combing her hair because it hurts her. I tell him it hurts her because you never comb it and it'll hurt less if you do it everyday. Her parents put no value in doing her hair so I feel that if I try to do it, it'll cause friction.
Basically I know that S/O's ideal scenario would be to replace BM with me. He wishes that BM wasn't FSD's mom but too bad dude, she is.
You didn't misunderstand. FSD
You didn't misunderstand. FSD is four and is the "product" of one of BM's many extramarital adventures. She and S/O were separated when FSD was conceived but she called S/O one night, claiming she had been raped (this was a common excuse for her), she didn't want to get an abortion because, and I quote, "she had just had one". S/O believing her rape story said he wanted their marriage to work and that he'd raise the child with BM as his own. Fast forward 6 months into FSD's life and S/O caught BM taking FSD to meet the BD thus discovering that she probably wasn't raped. S/O kicked BM out of his house but, for reason's I'll never understand, kept physical custody of FSD and has raised her with the help of his family for the whole four years of her life thus far. BM couch surfed for a few years and was said to pop in a visit her daughter every six months or so but the BD has been MIA the entire time except when BM would mention him just to hurt S/O's feelings. Fast Forward to the divorce last year, they didn't get officially divorced until last year because S/O was afraid that they'd take her away if he divorced BM. When S/O brought up not being the BD during mediation, he was told it didn't matter because he's on the birth certificate but there was also to be no contact with the BD. BM said he doesn't live in the same state and that she has no contact with him anyway and signed the papers.
FSD came home last night and said she spent the weekend with Ryan, which is the BD, and his family. When questioned BM denied it. S/O has no way of proving that this happened. I doubt the courts will do anything based on the word of a four year old and I personally see no problem with the BD being involved. I think he and BM should pay child support but S/O won't ask for it.
This is totally a mess and I really don't think S/O can do a darn thing about BM taking FSD to see BD but I thought maybe someone might know something I don't. I think that S/O should legally adopt her but for some reason he won't. He just keeps saying that being on the birth certificate is enough and I'm like well what would adopting her hurt? But the subject is pretty much a no go zone unless I want to get into a huge fight with him.
They are allowing three
They are allowing three parents in California. I do know that.
Why isn't the bio dad's
Why isn't the bio dad's family allowed to see the child? What would happen if one of his family members decided to fight for custody or visitation?
I'm not sure. I don't see
I'm not sure.
I don't see any reason for it honestly. I think that S/O just doesn't want to lose FSD. When BM had a bf, he didn't want her looking at him like a father figure and I was like wait, you want her to think of ME as a mother and you want me to treat her like I AM her mother so, why can't BM's bf be a father figure to her? I wasn't there during mediation so I have no idea why the BD can't have contact. I'm dubious of it anyway because I wasn't privy to that knowledge until last night.
Do you guys think it's
Do you guys think it's possible for them to take FSD away from S/O this late in the game?
The child should be told in
The child should be told in age appropriate language the truth. There is a difference between a father and Daddy. She'll find out anyway and anyone who told her otherwise will be seen as a liar. She will never trust those persons again.
I understand his feelings but the truth can't help but come out. He signed the birth certificate and he is the legal father so he's not going to collect child support from anyone. That doesn't leave the bio-father in the cold however and I would not try to keep him from seeing the kid. He'll lose if the bio-father takes it to court.
I know its heart breaking but he married a woman without morals and this is the consequences.
Though our situation is not
Though our situation is not exact there are similarities. My bride and I started dating when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.
Of course I am not on his birth certificate but I am the only REAL dad he has ever had. Though the Sperm Clan tried to play their toxic shallow gene pool bullshit the kid knew who his Sperm Idiot is and who his real father is.
When SS came home from Sperm Land visitation confused by the comments of the Sperm Idiot or Sperm GrandHag I dealt with it directly.
SS: Dad, (Sperm Grandma) says you are not my real dad, you are only my step dad. What is she trying to say?
Me: Son, we have talked about biodads and step dads. A biodad is the dad that made you with your mom. A step dad is the dad who is married to your mom. Now, a REAL dad is the dad that goes to work everyday to make sure that you have a nice house to live in, a save neighborhood, good schools, healthy food to eat, nice clothes to wear, safe transportation to ride in, teaches you to use the toilet, to tie your shoes, to ride your bike, teaches you to read and write, tucks you in at night and reads you a bedtime story, coaches your sports teams, goes to your parent teach conferences and all of your school and sports events, and most importantly a REAL dad is the dad that loves you and your mom very much.
SS: Dad, a Step Dad sounds like a REAL dad to me.
I suggest that your DH protect his daughter aggressively. Bio Dad has no skin in this game and if he even tries to inject himself of his family in to the mix your DH needs to skin him alive. (Figurately of course). BM needs to be smacked by an immediate motion to hold her in contempt. The next time SD ends up in her useless Sperm Idiot's presence then kidnapping charges need to be filed and the police need to be engaged to address it.
IMHO of course.
Time for DH to own BM's and the Sperm Idiot's toxic asses.
Thanks Rags. I haven't tried
Thanks Rags.
I haven't tried talking about this with him since the day before I posted it. It's a REALLY touchy subject for him. I think that he needs to tell her at some point but knowing him and his extreme desire to avoid conflict or confrontation, I fear he'll probably put it off for too long. There isn't anything that I can say to him to make him talk to her before he is ready. Any attempt is like poking a sleeping snake.