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Now BM says SS shouldn't see DH's family...

young_step_mom's picture

So DH agreed to get SS11's shoes and uniform before school starts, and since we live out of state he had told BM that FIL would be taking SS to get his school stuff.

Well last night DH calls BM to see when would be a good time for FIL to pick-up SS and she says she is available after 5 and can meet FIL as the store.  DH tells BM that FIL is only available in the morning, that since DH already gave FIL the money and that since she isn't paying for anything, she doesn't need to go.  BM says absolutely not, FIL can meet her there or not at all.  They go back and forth like this for a while, DH says SIL or MIL can get him too if she doesn't want FIL to go but that doesn't work either, so DH tells her it seems like she doesn't want SS to have any kind of relationshipship with his family and BM says something along the lines of, "yeah, SS only needs to have a relationship with you."  Let me mention here that SS's favorite person is FIL, so this is not BM intervening because SS wouldn't want to go or something along those lines.  So DH tells her that his and her problems are between them and he shouldn't drag SS into the middle of it (refering to the CS case I guess) and she immediately she says she has no problem with him and that if he has any problem with her that he should figure that out and hangs up on him.

So now DH is stressing about pissing BM off and that she may start keeping SS from us again.  I'm pissed because I told him he should TEXT her about this stuff so he has evidence that she is trying to keep SS from us/his family but of course DH didn't and so now it's just a he said/she said thing.  DH called his lawyer yesterday after talking to BM and the lawyer pretty much blew him off like always, I swear this guy is completely useless. 

What a way to start the week, UGH!

 

Comments

ndc's picture

Maybe your DH should get a new lawyer.  A lawyer who blows you off all the time isn't particularly helpful.

young_step_mom's picture

We already met with another guy who I was VERY comfortable with but for whatever reason, DH likes his current lawyer and wants to stick with him.  Since it's his problem in the long run, I'm not going to push it but this guy just seems so lazy to me.  I really don't anticipate this going BM's way because DH just DOES NOT make enough money for the courts to give her what she is asking for, but what is getting to me is HOW LONG this is taking.  It's been almost four months now and we have not moved one inch!  Seriously, this should NOT be taking this long!

justmakingthebest's picture

Dh should send BM the following (or similar) Email and text:

"BM, I have offered to pay for SS's school uniform and XYZ. However, since I am not local, my parents- SS's GRANDPARENTS would like to take him out shopping since they so rarely get to spend any time with him. I do not understand why you would tell me that SS does not need a relationship with his grandparents. They love him. I would never ask you to keep your parents from OUR child. 

I will not be sending you any kind of reimbursement. If you want me to buy these items, then SS needs to pick them out with his grandparents. Please let me know if you change your mind and would like SS to spend time with his grandparents while shopping." 

young_step_mom's picture

Thank you just makingthebest, that is so well written!  I'm definitely going to show this to DH!!!  I understand that DH just wants to be able to see/speak to SS, but we cannot just tiptoe around and cave to whatever BM wants!  Plus, knowing her, as soon as DH has spent the money she will be back to ignoring us.

ESMOD's picture

He needs to make this a hill to die on.  The boy should have a relationship with his grandparents.. no reason not to.(right?)

BM either allows grandpa to take his grandchild shopping (using DH's money)... or BM can foot the bill for everything and take the kids shopping herself.  If she truly is so twisted that she will cut her child off from his relatives.. she will do it whether DH gives her money or not... so don't let him get blackmailed.. there are ways to force her to give him access to his own child.. and again if she is dead set on PAS.. then there may be little your DH can do anyway.

moving_on_again's picture

Control, control, control. How dare you try to take that away from her!? (I'm being sarcastic)

young_step_mom's picture

She is all about having the upper hand!  She acts like she is doing DH a favor by allowing him to be a father TO HIS OWN KID!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

BM doesn't want FIL to take SS shopping because BM wants money for herself. If she can take SS shopping, she can ensure that all money is NOT spent on SS. Your DH should NOT cave on this.

young_step_mom's picture

That's exactly what I am thinking!  She and FIL got in a fight a while ago so she KNEW FIL would not want to meet her there.  Her other son is getting his uniform at the same place, how much do you want to bet that if DH just reimburses her, BOTH uniforms will be on the receipt and she'll claim it's just an "extra" set?

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

If she wants him to buy the clothing then it happens under his conditions not hers. He needs to stand his ground. Either FIL is allowed to take the kid ALONE or else she can buy the clothing herself on her own time.

If he did have this in writing it would show just how poor of a parent she is. Many people would consider her refusal to allow the child to have a bond with his grandparents to be child abuse. Of course if the grandparent or family member has given reason for preventing the child from seeing them it’s one thing but in this case it makes it harder for her to control and alienate the boy. The more people who can say good things about his dad means the more people BM has to discredit.   

young_step_mom's picture

This is exactly it!  She was completely ignoring us and not allowing us any contact with SS until DH sent SS a message (on IG because GBM had BLOCKED DH on SS's phone) telling him that we wanted to take him to get his new school shoes.  Well that very afternoon BM is all up DH's ass trying to make arrangements to get the money for the shoes and while we're at it, why not the uniform too?  Since then we have been able to talk to SS every night, but whenever DH's family tries SS is always super busy -even if it's 5 mins after we hang up with him.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

The second he gives her the money or refuses it things will go right back to the way they are. This is all about money to her. What does he think he’ll give her next time? How about he just flat out tell her “I’ll give you $30 if you give me the kid for the weekend. It would be much easier than playing this game.

I speak from experience if you don’t stop it the blackmail won’t stop. And that’s what this is. SO’s ex was the same way when they split. He would give her 200 up front out of every paycheck because he felt it was right to help support the kids. I didn’t see anything wrong with this. Then one day at Tball practice she demanded SO give her mom money or he couldn’t take the kids for the night. The dumba** did it. He gave her the last $30 he had which was going to pay his cell phone bill the next day. Well once the kids were gone I chewed into him. I MADE him let me pay for his cell phone because to hell with me not having any way to contact him for 2 weeks because we were in a long distance relationship. I know that sounds stupid but it made my point.

The about a month later she tried it again. And she left with the kids. He felt like crap until about 3 hours later she called demanding he come get them because poor woman couldn’t go party that night without a babysitter.

Maybe that isn’t what would happen in your case but you have to have to stand your ground. If she is violating the order he needs to take that money and put it towards a lawyer. If there’s not an order he needs to get one.

Sure maybe you’ve been through court 30 times but the thing is this isn’t the way to fix things. One day it won’t matter how much you give her because the child’s already going to be brainwashed and then he’ll be playing the same game. Do you really want to be 60 and bribing him to bring the grandchildren over?

young_step_mom's picture

DH has been pretty good about not caving with BM over the years, but right now with the CS it has gotten pretty bad -which is why he caved this time.  I think he should have just stuck it out, more ammo for court (IMO) but I do understand his desperation.  We hadn't heard from/seen SS in over 6 weeks.  We were finally able to talk to the lawyer yesterday (not all that reassuring to me, but DH felt better) so we'll see how things progress.  I told DH yesterday that if BM ends up buying SS's things and asks for reimbursement, we are not giving her a dime!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

If he did have this in writing

DFTT makes an excellent point. This is why communication with high conflict people should be documented.

Thumper's picture

So,,,BM, kid and FIL live in the same town? WHY? where is dh?

Hey everyone but i hate to tell ya but there isnt Grandparents Rights. Read Troxel V Granville if you want further info. 

DH doesnt have much of a leg to stand on since he is in a different state. Not that I am opposed to anyone moving because I am not. But it is shitty that FIL is flapping and dealing with an obviously mean mother. 

If I were in your shoes LET go of this rope...allow FIL to see his Grandchild when DH has his time when dad either rides into town OR fly Grandpa/drive Grandpa back to your home when the boy comes.

As far as school uniforms...guess on the size, order on line and mail it. If it doesn't fit, mom can deal with it. OR order a gift certificate with online company for uniforms and send it to BM. Don't send cash...she may end buying clothing for herself like I head other BM's do.

Dont waste  your money on trying to get visitation for Grandpa if that is what the goal is........ASK your lawyer to show state case law on the subject matter before you spend 1cent.

GIVE BM what she wants...kid with no time with Grandpa ......They usually dont like that very much. Coordinate lots of time with Grandpa on hubbies time ONLY.

Send uniforms with receipt and tell BM she will have to find other arrangements for ss.... Buhhh Byeeee

 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Grandparent rights don’t matter here. BM wants the money and DH has every right to put stipulations on how she’s going to get it unless it’s court ordered.

As others have pointed out, yourself included, just handing BM the money is a good way to ensure the kid never sees it.

If she wants it bad enough then she’ll follow DH's rules. Otherwise she can use her own money to buy what the kid needs like a parent should.