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Is this PAS or just sh*tty parenting?

young_step_mom's picture

Quick recap, DH and BM have been going back and forth on CS for over a year now with no resolution in sight. DH's lawyer is an idiot and could have had this resolved a while ago but pretty much did nothing. BM pulled some numbers out of her ass for supposed back pay DH owes her and because our lawyer did NOTHING, it looks like we're going to have to pay. DH hired a new lawyer and and we're trying to see if there's a way out but as of now, I'm thinking we're f-ed.

Anyway, BM lost her job (or quit, we're not sure) about a month ago so we knew she was going to get desperate about money and start saying things to SS12 again. We live about 5 hours away so it's easier for her to alientate us. DH went to see him this weekend, but before this visit, he hadn't been able to talk to SS in about a month because anytime DH called SS was busy, out, napping, WHATEVER. We were supposed to go the weekend before but BM said SS had plans and DH agreed to come this past weekend only to have BM tell him the day before DH arrived that SS didn't want to see him. DH went anyway and went to look for him at BM and GBM's houses. He finally found him at 8:00 PM on Friday at GBM's house and BM came out and said that SS was sleeping. DH was really mad at BM and told her it wasn't OK that she was keeping SS from him and that it was ridiculous that he couldn't get a hold of SS for an entire MONTH. BM said SS was busy and bla bla, same crap as always and basically that SS didn't want to see or talk to DH and she wasnt going to force him. DH got pissed and told her that it was shocking to him that when he comes to visit SS they have a great time and then as soon as he leaves he can never get a hold of him and that SS just decides from one day to the next that he doesn't want to see DH ever again and that it seems like someone is messing with SS's head. So BM says no one is messing with SS but that she had told him everything because he is old enough and deserves to know what a deadbeat DH is and how much he owes her (which it turns out I guess DH is going to end up owing her something) and that he can pay up or not have anything to do with SS.  DH replied that it wasn't OK that she bring SS into their problems and that he wasn't leaving until he saw SS. DH parked himself outside until BM and her family left GBM's house about an hour and a half later. He saw SS who said he didn't want to see him and didn't want to go anywhere with him so DH just told him he loved him and missed him and just wanted to see him and make sure he was OK. DH left, heartbroken of course, but at least glad he was able to see SS.  

SS messaged DH the next morning asking him to come get him from GBM's house and spent the rest of the weekend with him. DH said SS was really happy the entire weekend and happy to see DH's parents and spend time with them, too. DH asked him about the night before and asked him if BM or anyone was saying things to him about DH. SS said they were and DH told him that his and BM's problems were their to solve and to not worry about them and to just worry about school and being a kid and if BM or anyone said anything to just let it go in one ear and out the other. 

I am so frustrated. I don't know if there is anything DH should be doing differently, I am so tired of BM and her family, about SS going back and forth with us and even though I know he is a kid and he is just a pawn this hot and cold makes me so angry, and I am so tired and disappointed with the court system and the BM favoritism and I am SO angry at DH because I told him his lawyer was sh*t an f-ing YEAR AGO but he wouldn't listen and now it looks like it's going to cost us quite a bit to get out of this and it will probably be ANOTHER six months and I am just SO SO SO tired of step-life today.

Sorry about all the cursing but F*CK!


ESMOD's picture

Yes this is PAS.

I'm curious though.  Has your husband sending any support to his EX?  I am not sure how that works when there is no CS order yet.... because if she can file for "back CS".. it would seem that documented payments to her should be able to net against that backlog?  Maybe someone else can tell me.

And.. while I don't think it's generally a problem for the child to understand that BOTH parents are paying for their support (IE BM can't claim she is doing it all by herself if her EX is paying CS).. I don't think kids need to hear the gruesome details of their parent's disagreements etc...

So.. has your husband been paying anything or not?


Dontfeedthetrolls's picture


General unless the order has been made and it's being followed any thing before that is seen as a "gift". We got screwed over by this. If there is no order and offical way to track DO NOT give money before speaking to a lawyer to protect yourself. We had to wait till their order was finalized and the state set up her account for him to pay through.

twoviewpoints's picture

It appears from OP's prior postings, there was an order. BM managed to get the amount raised without any notification to the father (which is what is being fought)

Being in Mexico as OP is, things are not going to work as they do in the US. US would not tie CS to visitation... Dad could be months behind and still receive visitation. 

young_step_mom's picture

There is an order in place and DH has never missed or delayed a payment. BM got everything changed without any input from DH because we're out of state and also because DH's lawyer is AN IDIOT. 

Visitation is not supposed to be tied to CS. We had the same issue with not being able to see/speak to SS last year. DH submitted a request for SS to be seen by a court-appointed psychologist THREE times because we suspected PAS at the time, and all three times the request was ignored. BM finally started letting us see SS again and about a week after that, the court determined that SS didn't need to be seen by the psychologist since visitation had been reinstated. I have NO IDEA how the court magically knew that visitation had been reinstated the weekend before but DH was so happy to be seeing SS again that he didn't question it.

thinkthrice's picture

they still don't tie visitation with CS here in the U.S. either so either:

1. dad could get visitation without paying CS (SUPER rare--although I allowed it in my case with my bios)

2.  dad could pay CS whilst the BM withholds visitation (MUCH, MUCH more common--courts will look the other way)

As for PAS, didn't we just recently have a GUBM troll, errrrr I mean "poster" tell us that there's no such thing as PAS??!! 



momjeans's picture


She’s engaging in PAS behavior AND being a sh*t parent for involving a child in adult matters. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, this is alienating behavior.

Fire the attorney, go pro se, and settle with BM on a reasonable amount of CS so she will stop using her son as extortion material.

young_step_mom's picture

but I KNOW BM would not go for anything less that what she has asked for and, unfortunately, there is NO WAY we can afford the back pay. DH tried talking to her a while back about settling and she blew him off. I've talked to DH about trying to set up a payment plan with BM, but he is really hesitant to because she is just so unpredictable. He's worried she'll agree to a payment plant and then change her mind and demand a lump payment and we'll be back to where we started. I've suggested getting the payment plan in writing, but she isn't respecting their current CO and the judge doesn't seem to care so getting the payment plan in writing doesn't guarantee anything other than DH agreeing to pay the backpay.

shamds's picture

No doubt bio mum and grandma are pressuring him to say horrible things to hubby or he knows the abuse and torture is coming from bio mum so he goes into defense self preservation mode and says what mum and grandma wants him to say...

it almost never happens where he will break free from that behaviour unless he moves away from bio mums manipulation and even then if the damage is already done there isn’t much you can do because pas kids are brainwashed and its drilled into them how horrible daddy and his family are and that bio mum is a saint and her unacceptable behaviour excused

young_step_mom's picture

ESPECIALLY GBM. BM is tough enough to deal with but GBM is probably the WORST person I have ever had the displeasure of meeting -and I have never "technically" met her. She is so manipulative and even SS has started to shy away from her because of her behavior. BM says she "won't force" SS to spend time with DH but she WILL force him to spend time with her. 

As for the self-preservation, I do agree with this as well. I am sure it is easier for him to agree with them than to try to defend his father -I can only imagine how that would go over with them. It just sucks because, even if we think/know that he is only saying what he needs to to stay in BM and GBM's good graces, it hurts to hear when he says he doesn't want to see/speak to us.

young_step_mom's picture

but in a different state than us. When we lived in the same town, visitation was Saturday afternoons to Sunday night and two hours on Wednesdays. It was never officially modified when we moved since they both sort of tried to work around each other. This was going ok for the most part, up until the CS started and it all went to hell.