WHY can't I love my stepson?
I don't even know the point of this post, maybe just to get it out because I've been feeling so overwhelmed here.
I had a very difficult time with my SS when he was younger. I've been in his life since he was two, hes now 13. When he was younger, I attributed a lot of my feelings, dislike, resentment, whatever, to his mother. She has always been problematic. It was so hard for me. When my stepson was 8, my husband and I moved away for work. I know it was really hard on my husband and SS, going from seeing each other every weekend to every third weekend, sometimes once a month, it was an adjustment. Honestly, for me it was such a relief. When we lived near BM, at least once a week we had some issue come up. Once we moved, the issues seemed to only come up when we were going for a visit or when holidays would come up and SS wanted to come spend longer stretches with us. There have been so many ups and downs, but it's been five years since we moved away and I feel like we have all adapted to this new routine. In this time, I feel like I've grown to have a better relationship with my SS.
Now I'm pregnant. Because I can WFH, we came for an extended stay in my husband's hometown. SS has been staying with us since we've been here (almost two months now). We left once for a couple days because I had a doctor's appointment, but SS came to stay with us as soon as we came back. Now I'm getting close to my due date (a little over 6 weeks out), and we're going back on Friday. We won't be coming back before baby is born because it's too far to travel. I have to be honest, it's been hard for me to be here for so long. I had forgotten how needy my in-laws are (especially my mother-in law, she's a sweet woman but whenever my husband is here she acts like she can't do a damn thing herself and needs him to come help her every day). Thankfully we haven't heard much from BM, she's been surprisingly nice about letting SS stay with us for so long, but I have to say I've been very annoyed with my SS. He's 13, but still very clingy with my husband (possibly because of the baby?) and we haven't had any time alone. He's afraid of everything. He can't come upstairs/downstairs by himself because it's dark. We need to leave the hall light outside his room on until after he falls asleep. He cried because he wanted to see my FIL and he was working and couldn't come over for dinner. My husband's cousins had a baby shower breakfast for my SIL and I this weekend (there were 8 of us total) and he pouted and whined because he wasn't originally on the guest list. Honestly, I'm ready to go home. I was so so looking forward to it, but now my SS is pouting because he wants to come back with us. I overheard him and my husband earlier and I've been pretty much hiding out in my room since. I don't know exactly what happened since I don't want to discuss it in front of my SS and he's stuck to my husband like glue all day. I heard BM call DH and I heard him talking to my SS after the call. SS had called/texted his mother and told her he wanted to come, didn't say anything to DH about it, just reached out to her for permission.
I don't know exactly what was said, but I am stressing out about him coming back with us. BM had given him permission to stay with us when we first got here, but he was supposed to go home 3 weeks ago. Then 3 weeks ago, he called her and said he wanted to stay longer and she she said one more week and that "one more week" has now become three weeks. I heard DH say BM only gave him permission to come out for two weeks, but I'm sure those two weeks could turn into two months and it stresses me out. I'm worried about how he'll get back here, DH would have to drive him back and honestly that stresses me out too -being left alone and possibly going into labor on my own. If SS is still with us when I go into labor, what do we do? We have no one to watch him and he can't come to the hospital. Again, me in labor alone. One of my ILs could come get him, but again we don't live close and it would take them 6+ hours to get to us and my SIL is due about two weeks after me, so they could be busy with her (they're watching her 5 yr old when she goes into labor) and not be able to come out at all. I'm also stressing about money. DH has been out of work for two months (one of the reasons we were able to come for an extended stay) and being here has really cut into our savings. SS eats like an adult and I'm spending so much extra money on groceries alone. And of course, we're still paying CS so it's like I'm paying double. Our savings (which I had sort of set aside for pregnancy related expenses) have taken a huge hit. And although all of these are issues and all stress me out, the bottom line is I am just annoyed with my SS and want time away from him. I feel so guilty. He is not a bad kid. He's been so excited about his baby sister and he's been attentive and nice to me but I am so annoyed all of the time. I don't know how to love him or at this point even really tolerate him. I feel so badly for feeling this way, I don't know what to do anymore.