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A different perspective

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I spent the day with some girlfriends yesterday and we had some interesting conversations. One of my friends was raised by a very narcissistic mother and had some interesting perspectives.

We were talking about teenagers and how typically during the early teen years most kids don't want anything to do with thier parents and often find them embarrassing.

I laugh because I remember feeling this way and now DS is currently doing it to me. Recently we went to an event and he chose to sit at a table with one of my guy friends who is younger vs sitting with me. 

So I find is fascinating how both SDs 13 and 15 definitely feel this way about their father, but not BM. 

I have met people who have worked with her in the past and have never heard anyone say a nice thing about her. Actually their opinions are usually pretty brutal.

The one friend BM does have is in the same level as BM. She doesn't want to work, sits home on disability and gives her kid mountain dew in a baby bottle. 

The best description I can give of BM is imagine Joy from the show my Name is Earl and age her 30 years but she still dresses and acts the same.

SDs always brag about how wonderful and amazing BM is, they post daily selfies with BM saying how they love their beautiful mommy so much. 

So my friend explained to me that BM is basically a 14 year old child so they can relate to her that's why they think she is so wonderful. That was very enlightening for me because I never thought of it that way. 

Comments

tog redux's picture

They are terrified of losing her. They don't dare act embarrassed of her or get angry at her - she might abandon them. Hell, she did with YSD already once, why would she take that chance?

Kids feel free to get embarrassed of parents they have a strong attachment to.  Their attachment with her is disorganized and weak, and they know the only way to maybe keep her around is to please her.  They also know it's their job to meet HER needs, not the other way around.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Actually she has abandoned them several times in the past. She would drop them like a bad habit every time she became involved with a new guy. One time moving thousands of miles away to marry a guy she met on the internet.

When I first met them BM wasn't even in the picture it was 6 months before she even contacted them. Because she was focused on trying to get back together with now exBF. They had an on again off again relationship the whole time they were together.

Gimlet's picture

They also know it's their job to meet HER needs, not the other way around.

Yes, this is so true.  I'm grateful that I understand this because otherwise the way that YSS wants to "protect" BM from OSS, and sees her as a victim in all this (although I am sure that OSS is dishing it out at this point too), and puts her on a pedestal, despite the fact that she does NOTHING for him and that she's most of the reason that both kids turned out this way,  would drive me mad.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

I've no idea how SSs felt about their mother at that age (I thank my lucky stars that I never had to have any interaction with her.  I have no idea how some of you manage). 

OSS and MSS never seemed to care one way or another about DH but YSS used to complain loudly that DH was embarassing him.  In fact, DH, who is a bit of a fashionista, used to use OTT accessories to deliberate embarass YSS.  DH would always look great but YSS wanted him to dress like everyone else's middle aged fathers.

YSS is the only one of the 3 that he had a more than superficial relationship with.  I wonder if the other two didn't care because he was, to them, a distant adult in their lives.

S_mum's picture

The relationship between them and BM is not a normal parent-child relationship. 

In a way, I think it's similar to what some of these Disney dads do when they afraid of their kids abandoning them. They keep on chasing after their kids, and don't dare get angry at their kids out of fear of losing them.

In your case, it's the other way round. The kids are the ones doing the "chasing" so to speak. They keep on chasing after their mother in an attempt to win her approval and love.

JRI's picture

Rebellion is essential for teenagers to mature.  They  rebel against the parents who are strong enough to take it.  They don't do it against the weak types.

LittleCloud9's picture

You are exactly right. She's 14 at heart.

There are many people out there who are simply too selfish and immature to ever be decent parents. I had a similar revelation recently about our BM. The things she does are not mistakes. They are willful choices made to get what she wants, which is usually an ego boost or some kind of personal gratification. She is well aware that she's manipulating others and doesn't feel shame or guilt over it. 
To any normal decent person it's a real mind twister.

WwCorgi7's picture

Yes, this hits the nail on the head. SD was always embarrassed to be seen with us. We are reserved and quiet compared to BM's family. BM's family is a bunch of screwed up, single skanks acting like fools for attention. BM's mom dates men in their late teens/early 20's despite being well into her 50's

Yet, SD loved it and the attention it got her. SD has always been obsessed with BM. However, BM is stunted she has always acted like a teenager. BM hangs out with18 year olds despite being in her 30's. She posts embarrassing quotes and song lyrics. She squeezes herself into SD's clothing and makes corny posters/collages for the newest man in her life. It's so embarrassing but hey I guess since they are on the same level it works out. I'm sure SD will follow suit. Her entire family is like this and she is immersed in it so we don't expect her life to turn out any different.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

It's funny you say that. We always thought OSD was lying when she said she didn't have any clothes only weeks after getting new ones. We found out from exBF BM used to take her clothes and wear then herself.

Ispofacto's picture

It is sad when a child has an obvious attachment problem because their parent is mentally ill, but it does not absolve them of accountability for the poor choices they make when they are old enough to know better.

 

Mamabearof3's picture

I have a narcissist mother. I did everything I could to earn her affection, attention, love. Anything. I showered her in gifts and posted pictures online of our time together. I tried really hard for a long time. Until my 5 year old son said "mom I don't like your mom because she's always so mean to you it makes me mad". I admittedly kept trying for a while but I had to give up. For my kids sake. I'm 30 now. It's hard. I wouldn't have been able to give up as a young adult or teen. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I'm so sorry to hear that I can't imagine what it's like to have a mother who is narcissistic. I only know what I have heard from people in your situation and that's why I stuggle so much with wanting to save SDs even though it bites me in the ass