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Can someone help me understand the why?

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I consider myself the kind of person who will give someone the shirt off my back. I am also loyal to fault. But that being said, if someone takes advantage of my kindness,  I will drop you like a bad habit. I have too much self respect to be used and abused by anyone.  I do not have a good relationship with exH. He is a selfish, cold hearted narcissist.  That being said I limit communication to short brief texts regarding our child and nothing more. If he were homeless tomorrow I truly wouldn't care and I certainly would not help him. He burned those bridges a long time ago and I know he is who he is and will never change. Any attempts at kindness would be taken advantage of and it would open the flood gates for him to try an interject himself into my life. We have mastered the art of parallel parenting and it works well for us and DS. We have managed to live conflict free for most of DSs life.

SO has a very toxic exBM who put not only him but thier children through torment and chaos until he finally got physical custody.  In the time we have been together I have seen for myself how borderline, selfish and self serving she is. Everytime you turn around she does something malicious and mean, just because.  She PASs the kids and bad mouths him to anyone who will listen.  In the past she has tried to get him fired from jobs accusing him of abuse. Yet, in 14 years this man continues to try and co-parent with her. I cannot understand why he would waste his time, effort and energy trying to co-parent with someone who deliberately sabotages everything he does. Examples,  he tells her he doesn't approve of OSD wearing inappropriate clothes, she goes out and buys her some. He shuts off OSDs phone, she buys her a prepaid one. OSD doesn't want to follow rules here, she will pick her up. She also never helps with anything.  He offers to give her money to get one of the SDs an outfit for a school function,  she is too busy. If he asks her to switch days or weekends because he has to work or the time he had surgery,  the answer is no. He was in the hospital for 2 weeks once and she wouldn't get the kids one day during that entire time. His parents had to watch them. The flipside he planned and paid for a Disney Vacation told her and that same day she told the kids she was taking them on vacation.  Then sent them home all excited so he would look like the bad guy if he told them they couldn't go. 2 weeks later she asked him for the money because she didnt have any and if he didn't give it to her she would tell the kids it was his fault they couldn't go to Disney.  

He to this day asks me to text her or call her and he always gets the same response.  I am not dumb enough to fall for her BS and I will be damned if I waste my time trying.  SO tells me he thinks she will see the light and become a better parent. My opinion is no!!! She has been a terrible parent for the last 24 years and she is doing a pretty crappy job with SKs.  I am pretty sure OSD may already be lost to the dysfunction. 

My question is why does he keep trying? It's not because there are any feelings there, matter of fact he looks at her more like she is a child in a grown womans body. Why continue the aggravation and not just except it for what it is, that she is who she is and he should only focus on what he can control and stop trying to play nice.

Comments

tog redux's picture

Some of these men "took care" of BM during their marriage and still feel that they have to, I think. They see her as some poor wounded bird they have to rescue, rather than the malignant, damaged person she is.

I don't get it either, my DH wouldn't spit on BM if she were on fire.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Masochism. They feel they are doing penance for whatever perceived guilt they have, and they think what they are doing for BM makes them a "good guy" and will eventually be appreciated. When dealing with people like this BM, though, they will never be appreciated and every time they give in to demands it only leads to more demands. 

At least that's my interpretation of the situation i witness with my SO. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I also think he believes being "good guy" will benefit his children and they will appreciate his efforts.  The reality is all it does is make BM look better than she is, and SKs get sucked into her drama and he still ends up being painted as the bad guy.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Another poster here said something to the effect of if you keep polishing the turd, nobody will notice how bad it stinks and it just makes you look crazy for complaining about it. BM is the turd!