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MOTHER EFFING ASSHAT - warning, this is long...

WalkOnBy's picture

Oh my DOG!   I can't even believe that I am about to tell you ladies about his latest fuckery, but here goes.

As you all know,  Thing2 is in Kyoto in graduate school.  When he went, the deal was his dad would pay for his tuition (5K a year), I would pay his rent ($400 a month) and he would get a part time job to cover his living expenses.  What he did not fully understand was the amount of time he would be spending in the research lab and so between his classes and his research, he is in for about 60 hours a week.  Not much time for that part time job.

He was able to secure some funding from the NIH which gave him about $400 a month - just enough to cover his food/utilities/transportation.  Thanks to Trump, his funding was pulled last month because science.

Thing2 called me a few nights ago, exasperated because Asshat had NOT paid one dime of his tuition for this school year.  Keep in mind, Asshat makes literally 6 MILLION dollars a year, and just pocketed over 500K from the sale of his house in my town.  Thing2 told me that Asshat told him that he would pay one third, that Thing2 would be responsible for one third (how?) and I would be responsible for one third.  WHAT????   

I told Thing2 that I would start thinking of some possible options, but that I simply could not understand why a dude who makes bank like his dad does wouldn't just do the thing that he said he would do.  I went on to ask Thing2 what explanation Asshat gave for reneging on the deal.  Thing2  said he didn't really give a reason, other than he had "changed his mind."

I have some money that I can send, but with KarateKid about to head off to school, we will have two in college again, and really want to save my money for the rainy day that always comes...but, more importantly, WHY CAN'T MOTHEREFFINGASSHAT  just do what he agreed to do?

This morning, my mom called me to tell me that she and my niece will be going to Chicago next month and she was making plans with Thing1 when Thing1  told her - wait for it - MOTHEREFFINGASSHAT called both Thing2 and DD27  and told them that he would kick in 6K for Thing2 IF THEY EACH KICKED IN 3K!    WHAT?????   

According to my mom, DD27 told him no thanks, she has a baby, a mortgage and student loans and to eff off and Thing1  told him he would do it, but only if Asshat guaranteed his money (guess that pricey BSchool degree paid off) and of course, there is no way a dude who won't pony up what HE agreed to pony up is going to guarantee Thing1's  money.  

I texted Thing2 and asked him if he was aware of this, but it's night time in Kyoto and he is probably sleeping.  I texted Thing1  and asked him if this was true and he said it was.  Thing1 says he's down, but only if Asshat will guarantee the investment.  While I find it admirable that he wants to help his brother, I asked him if he really thought that Asshat  needed to ask his children to aid him in coming up with 10K.  10K is pocket change to Asshat.  

I am having dinner with DD27 and grandbaby tonight, so I will wait to discuss this with her.



queensway's picture

My experience with people whom are affluent are the cheapest people. But being cheap with your own children when you have money is a whole different thing. Shame on him!

Maxwell09's picture

I would say "how disappoinging" for his kids but I have a good feeling this isn't the first or last promise he has broken in their lives. I wonder what caused Dad's change of heart and is there a student loan or something he can do for now until either his dad comes around or he can naviagate a part time job to help with costs? 

WalkOnBy's picture

It's not their first and it certainly won't be the last.   He has pulled this kind of crap before.  I don't know what changed his mind, and neither does Thing2...and I don't really care.  He can more than afford it, he promised to do it, and my son moved half way around the world relying on that promise.

Financial aid isn't an option - there is no system in Japan like we have here.  As a foreign student, he is limited as to grants and scholarships, though he is applying for some.  He won't qualify for a personal loan (no income) and is already saddled with some student loan debt from his undergraduate degree.  

Aniki's picture

What.A.F*ckhead. I'd like to beat Asshat upside the head with my 15 pound dutch oven. What a miserable, miserly POS. And, IMHO, it's like he's trying to scam his kids out of money. Cheap facking bastard. I'm seeing red. Grrrrrrrr...

Is this Asshat's ploy to tick off his children to the point of no return? If they reject him, he can cut them out of his will and take all his damn money with him. F*cking f*cker. Deep, dark red.

WOB, I don't think CHEAPASSMOTHEREFFERS will pay for a table. Likely, it's only a single-ply paper towel on his lap. Ass.

Dovina's picture

Does Asshat have financial problems that you know nothing about? Or is he just an awful person who renages on promises to his kids?

Regardless what an awful situation for your son. Here he is working his butt off, getting an education and doing so in the belief that he has financial help from his dad.

WalkOnBy's picture

Asshat is a managing partner in a major consulting firm.  He. Is. Loaded...

He isn't experiencing any money trouble - he's just a dick who reneges on his promises to his kids when I don't dance to his demands.    Now, he would never pick up the phone and say "hey, let's figure something out together, here's what I will do", nope.  Instead, he will tell the kids "well, if only your mom would do xyz then I would help."  

I dealt with this for 15 years while they were minors.  I thought when the Things finished their undergraduate degrees that the days of using me as bait (which never worked, by the way)  were over.  Guess I was wrong.

NachoQueen's picture

My guess is that as an ex-husband he felt like if you were willing to put some skin in the game then he would know that your request was important enough to all involved. As an ex wife myself, I wouldn't have asked my ex to pay for something that I wasn't willing to share some expenses in, it's not bait its taking a temperature on the importance of the request. His wealth wouldn't determine my kids "needs" or my own "anger level". If you share your thoughts about your ex with your children by pointing out that he breaks promises, etc. then they are most likely viewing him with contempt and only as a wallet which would cause them to treat him poorly which in turn causes him to continue to break promises.  If you alway support your ex's right to decide what he will pay for, you children would be happier in the end. (honey I think its disappointing that you won't get $$ so lets put our heads together to figure this out). A dad watching a son who has humility, who works his a$$ off, who is considerate and goal-driven would not do this. Somthing about this story seems off. Did dad want him to work for a few years? Did dad have expectations that weren't met? My own personal opinion is that there are very few professions that should even ALLOW a graduate degree until/unless one has worked in their field of study for a year or two.. and Graduate Degrees shouldn't be paid for by parents but that's me.

WalkOnBy's picture

I do have skin in the game, read above.  I am paying Thing2's rent, which is the exact same amount as the tuition.  

I didn't ask Asshat to pay for anything.  I haven't spoken to him in at least 8 years.....He TOLD Thing2 he would help out.  No, dad did not want him to work for a few years.  No, dad did not have expectations that were not met.  Perhaps you should go re-read the OP

You must be new here.

Aniki's picture

Damn skippy. Diablo

Then it can swing by and run over BioHo. It's only a quarter of a century OVERDUE.

thinkthrice's picture

and enforce any agreement you may have in writing? 

My ex husband number one has NEVER contributed one-f'n-DIME to DD 36. . .EVER.  NO CS when she was a little one. . . nothing, no wedding expense, etc. etc. 

Today he sits in an apartment in Albany looking like Jabba the Hut with some copy editor job for the NYS Legislature.  His only friend being his cat.    Hopefully some sort of Karma will come to Asshat in the near future.

WalkOnBy's picture

Nope - kids are all adults, and Thing2 is in Japan Smile

It is what it is.  As usual, I will figure something out...

Wookiee_Momma's picture

If your son is already in debt from undergraduate school and moved on to graduate school in another country with no savings and no secured financial means besides a promise from his parents, I am slightly inclined to believe that he is of the age and maturity to fund his own graduate studies. Hell, he could have gotten a job for a year and lived at home, saved up enough money to fund graduate school, and then gone.  To not know the time commitment for a science graduate program is a bit odd to me considering most graduate degrees in the field explicitly state the time commitment leaves little room for a job, unless with the school, and abroad they limit the amount of hours you can actually work along with requiring a work visa. Has he applied for a tuition waiver?

It is frustrating, but I certainly don’t know how I would feel about my BF contributing towards a graduate program for his kids, regardless of our finances. 

WalkOnBy's picture

Yes, he applied for a tuition waiver.  He did not receive it.  His visa allows him to work and study. 

He went to school in Japan because his father told him he would pay the tuition while I paid the rent (same amount of money, by the way).  As for the time committment, the literature says 3-5 hours in the lab per day - the project he was assigned to is twice that time.  He planned for 25 hours a week in the lab, just like the literature said, so next???

I guess you're cool with telling people you will do things and then changing your mind.  I guess you also think it's awesome to ask your KIDS to help you meet an obligation you took on.

Good luck with that.

Wookiee_Momma's picture

So he is 60 hrs a week combined, but 50 hrs of that is spent in the lab (highly doubtful). 50 hrs for a first semester graduate student? What about the weekend? Working for the University?

Like I said, it’s common for people going into intense science graduate fields to not work. Off the bat, it should have been expected he may not have the time to devote to his studies and make an income. 

He went to Japan because he wanted to go to Japan. His dad said he would pay, and changed his mind. I’m of the opinion that as a grown adult, he has every right to do so. If his father was so unreliable, it should have been a discussion beforehand that this senario might happen. His father’s income doesn’t matter to me, because his father works for his money.

Worst case senario, since he didn’t invest his own money anyway, your son can return to the states and obtain financial aid to continue his studies, while working to pay off his prior debt. Did your ex contribute to him during his undergraduate studies?

Your son is an adult now. Maybe your ex is of the same mindset. He isn’t the first parent to stop paying a kids college.

WalkOnBy's picture

Tell ya what, I will just put you in touch with Asshat and Money-Ka.  I think the three of you would get along swimmingly.  

StepMamaBear6's picture

I think you are illogical. 

His dad said he would pay and he counted on that when he went to school.  He didn't pay and now the kid is in trouble.  

Whether or not you think parent's should fund post-graduate degrees is immaterial.  The fact is the parents said they would help and only one is.

Asshat is just that -- an A$$.

Wookiee_Momma's picture

Her EX paid for all of his tuition, books, and fees for his undergrad. He took out loans it seems to cover what she didn’t for the rest of their expenses, hence the debt.

From what it seems, her son had a free ride through undergrad. Now he suddenly can’t work, and I would bet that has something to do with his decision.

WalkOnBy's picture

All three kids worked during college.  Asshat paid for tuition.  The kids paid for their books and fees.  All three contributed to their own expenses.  Again, Asshat agreed to pay his share, no one held a gun to his head.  Also, I provided vehicles, insurance, cell phones, etc, while he did not.

What is your problem?  Are you in the habit of telling your kids you will do something and then back out?  

Where can I email you Asshat's phone number?   


Wookiee_Momma's picture

I don’t get where you don’t see that the amount done for the kids is above and beyond to begin with. Unless he was court ordered to pay towards their college, he did so for his entire undergrad. 

If his tuition was paid, vehicle and insurance, celllphone... what else is there? If he worked, why did he take out loans, to pay the books? Why is he in debt if everything was paid for and he was working? Did he live off campus? 

If this kid was 18 and just moved to Japan, I would be singing a different tune. The fact is, you even stated you saved a large portion of the support you received to go towards their college expenses, so again, more of EX actually paying. 

We aren’t talking about a kid. We are talking about an adult who made a choice to move and attend a school on a financial promise. Graduate school no less. How many years is EX expected to contribute?

Yes, it sucks he’s pulling out, but I don’t know enough of the story to join in the “f^%% him” club because it honestly sounds like these kids have been very well supported and it might end up being a growing experience for your son. Don’t move to a foreign country to attend school when you’re relying on other people to pay your way. 1/3 the tuition sounds generous enough, in my opinion.

Wookiee_Momma's picture

I would also like to state that in September 2015 you stated he was paying for books and fees and son graduated in Spring of 2017. At some point, he was paying more than just tuition. Maybe he stopped, but it happened.

StepMamaBear6's picture

You are missing the point.  His DAD AGREED TO PAY.  Whether or not you or I would pay for graduate courses is immaterial.  I don't pay past a Bachelor's degree.  But I didn't agree to pay for a Bachelor's degree and then bail on paying the tuition AFTER my kid moved to another country and started his education.

Don't pay -- that's fine.  But don't agree to pay and then bail on your grown child.

Wookiee_Momma's picture

I’m not missing the point. I just know there are three sides to every story. It’s EXs money, and he can do as he pleases. He earned it. From what I can gather, he has other children with his new wife and other obligations that may be more important than paying for his 20 something year-old’s graduate education completely. 

He offered 1/3 and paid for his entire Bachelors education. Some people on here can’t even get their ex’s to pay half a $25 school fee.


WTF...REALLY's picture

 The father did not need to make a promise to pay for his tuition. The mature time to say no, you’re on your own was IN THE BEGINNING! 

Not tell him yes I will pay for it and then  change your mind deep in the program. People who love their children  don’t set them up to fail. Even with those children are adults 

robin333's picture

 “The fact is, you even stated you saved a large portion of the support you received to go towards their college expenses, so again, more of EX actually paying”. 

How do you get more of Ex paying because WOB was responsible with CS and used it for the kids? He paid the same amount, not more. 

ndc's picture

I think the only "growing experience" the son is getting here is to learn that his father in unreliable and cannot be trusted to live up to his word.  1/3 of the tuition is not generous when he was promised the whole tuition.  Why should you not move to a foreign country to attend school when your father has told you he will pay your tuition and you know he can easily afford to do so?  It is perfectly reasonable to do so.  

WalkOnBy's picture

BINGO!!!   And it's not like Thing2 is in Nebraska where he could just throw his stuff in a U-Haul and come home.  He is in Japan...

between his dad screwing him over and the US government pulling his grant funding, this kid is really getting screwed over.

bananaseedo's picture

Geesh-you really have no clue what it is to struggle and not even be able to help pay your kids college, do you? Holy entitlment batman.


Wookiee_Momma's picture

Clearly not.

My father promised to pay for my college. I was the only kid out of four who graduated high school, and a year early at that. I worked a full-time job.When I asked him to co-sign for the loan, he said no. At the time, I was furious. I had done everything right. It wasn’t until I was 30 that I realized at the time, he did not have the financial ability to do so and instead of telling me that, he made up excuses.

I look back on it now and realize that I was 18. He was under no obligation to pay my way, and not doing so made me a self-sufficient adult who doesn’t rely on her parents to pay for things I can work for. We were poor, and I didn’t understand that poor kids don’t get their college paid for by Daddy.

This kid hasn’t acted as an adult through his bachelors, and maybe it’s time for him to learn those lessons now. 


WalkOnBy's picture

Actually, yes I do.  I paid for my own college, as my mom wasn't able to help and I wasn't involved with my dad at that time.  I never expected them to pay it anyway, and worked day and night while going to school.  

There was a period of time in my life when the kids were in high school and middle school that I was unemployed.  I struggled.  I cleaned houses to pay my share of expenses, I hustled like hell to make sure that nothing changed for the kids.

As I said, I guess you're totally cool with people making agreements and then breaking them,.  You seem really nice...

bananaseedo's picture

I agree w/Wookie.  Your ex has been more then generous with massive support w/the kids growing up.  Maybe he is having  financial issues, maybe he rather save for his retirement at this point-he has more then supported his kids in childhood and through school by your own telling-including incredible amounts of CS that most can't even dream of. Maybe this is why he's now expecting you to do more of your part given his age.  JMO-you can get mad but IMO it's a little misplaced given the amount he's paid in their lives. 

WalkOnBy's picture

The reason I got massive support is because he made massive amounts of money. 

He isn't having financial difficulties - not even anything close.  He had 4 million in his retirement accounts that last time I saw them and that was in 2009, things have only gotten better for him since then.  

His age?  He is a year older than I am...LOL

I guess I just assume people keep their promises.  He shouldn't have told Thing2 he would pay the tuition if he didn't want to pay the tuition.  

NachoQueen's picture

Is it at all possible that these kids treat their dad the way my stepdaughter treats her dad? Maybe your son doesn't want to tell you the real reasons his dad gave him for breaking promises.... "Hey kid, send me a text once in a while when you don't need money or remember me on Father's Day, or get a job in spite of how hard it is in school.".  Just because someone is "loaded" doesn't mean they lose the right to not help ungrateful, entitled, spiteful kids. (not saying this is your son, but maybe there is another side to your story?). Divorced dads in SO MANY CASES are expected to be a wallet but get no vote on life choices, manners, treatment, etc. just sayin...His wealth is not really your business nor does it belong to his kids.

WalkOnBy's picture

No, they are pretty close to him.   All three keep in regular contact, Thing1 was just there for a long weekend, and DD27 and her husband and child spent a week there last month.  Obviously, Thing2 has the distance working against him, but he keeps in regular text contact with his dad.  

I don't care about his wealth, but I do care when he breaks promises to the kids.   

If this was a one off, it would perhaps be more understandable, but sadly, this isn't the first time he's told one of them he would do something and then not do it.

Back in 2009, Thing1 wanted to go to the Domincan Republic with his friends for Spring Break.  He had recently been to Canada with his dad, so Asshat had Thing1's passport.  When it came time for the trip, Asshat told Thing1 that he wouldn't give him his passport unless he could convince me to renegotiate the child support (which had just been renegotiated three months before).  Needless to say, Thing1 didn't go to the DR.  This is the kind of thing that I dealt with for 15 years..."sure, kiddo, I will do xyz but only if mom agrees to do this stupid thing that I want her to do and she has already told me she won't do."  

If my kids treated him like a wallet, they would never hear the end of it from me.  They were raised better than that.   And, in this case, Asshat offered to pay for the tuition, so it's not like Thing2 was expecting something completely unreasonable.

bananaseedo's picture

Except they aren't kids, they are ADULTS.  And he has every right to change his mind and his 'promises'.  Sorry I'm not inclined to feel that bad for rich kids that have had a silver platter and their whole education paid for-and then complainin bm's with mass support bitching on the adults behalf.

notasm3's picture

My brother has that kind of wealth.  He literally has homes (more like estates) in 4 countries across the world. Multiple homes in the US - on the ocean.   

When my dad was alive my brother cancelled Dad's AOL account because it cost $8 a month.   And when my dad went into a retirement home I had to pay 100% of the expenses as my dad's only income was $700 a month.  My brother said "He didn't do anything to help me."  We were dirt poor growing up - my dad was a foster child who was on his own at 15 with no education.  The man did the best he could.  He was not a drunk or anything like that.  My brother is just an ass.

WalkOnBy's picture

Yep - Asshat has a house in Colorado, a house in Boston, and a house in the DR.  HIs siblings are school teachers, and when their parents died, he wouldn't contribute to the funeral expenses UNLESS something that was left to his sister was given to him.  

When the kids were very young, one of them needed a compass for some homework when they were at his house.  He had Thing1 call me and ask me to bring one over or go buy one and bring it over.  Asshat refused to take them to the store to buy a stupid little compass - it was more important to him to try to make me out to be the bad guy.

Asshat is a financial bully...

WTF...REALLY's picture

 As an interior designer, I work with a lot of wealthy people. The most expensive I ever worked on  was $15 million. And I will tell you what, I would rather work with the middle-class person any day. The richer they are, the cheaper they are AND the more they want. 

Aniki's picture

My 2 cents...

Asshat made a promise/commitment to pay the tuition. Now he's reneging.

I don't care how old the kids are and it wouldn't matter if they were in their 60s. It doesn't matter how financially sound ANYONE is.

The bottom line is that Asshat is going back on what he said he would do. Period. Dot.

WalkOnBy's picture

Yup - that's really all this is about.  

He said he would do something, Thing2 relied on that promise, moved across the world based on that promise and now Asshat is reneging.


Gimlet's picture

He didn't say "no" when he was asked.   That's a different issue and I doubt WOB would be upset about that.

He said yes and then waited until Thing2 was overseas to change his mind.  Asking his other kids to chip in is just weird.  

The amount of CS is irrelevant, and I say this as someone who has never collected a penny of it.  

WalkOnBy's picture

Yup!  Absolutely would have had no problem if Asshat had said he wasn't interested in funding the graduate degree.  I made sure that Thing2 has Asshat's agreement before I agreed to pay his rent.  


ndc's picture

Boy, Asshat really is an asshat.  I don't care how much he paid for the kids' college educations, or how much he's done for them over the years.  When you make a promise to your kid and your kid RELIES on that promise, you need to follow through on it.  He's just a jerk and a bully, IMO.

WarMachine13's picture

Yup Asshat is fitting.

Don't get what the deal is people bringing up age of kids and what not. Jackhole told the kid (adult for those being tech). Now he's backing out.

Sorry for your kid. Hard lesson to learn that dad is unreliable asshat. smdh

witch.hazel's picture

Can't stand people who try to control others with money and those who promise help anddon't deliver. There's nothing worse than having someone offer you help when you really need it, all the hope and excitement involved, and then they don't come through. In my speculative imagination, it's either a punishment for some imagined transgression, or the stepmom has convinced him to cop out. Really, what better outcome for her than if his relationship with his children falls apart? In the end, they'll stop speaking to him, and he'll decide they don't deserve an inheritance...jk, of course, I don't know anything about them, but my imagination runs wild *biggrin*...anyway, he's learning a very difficult life lesson and I'm sure you will all find a way to make it work. I agree with the poster above who said the wealthy are most often the cheapest, I would add, most selfish. Very unusual to see it happening with one's own kids. I know many wealthy people who will not give a friend a penny, but they spare no expense when it comes to their kids.

bananaseedo's picture

I have to wonder how OP would feel if her husband was expected to pay all of graduate school for the kids she can't stand-even receiving (delayed) CS.....or is it different   I don't see much wrong he has done given the huge financial support he has given to raise his kids-what he makes is not the kids or OP business.....she and them are not entitlted to that what he's worked for hard and has paid way and above MORE than his fair share to what it takes to raise kids to adulthood.



bananaseedo's picture

I know, so damn unreasonable and cheap he is!  LOL  OMG - I have to laugh at people that think this's absurd. Oh and asking his other kids for help for whom he's paid most of their upbringing and heartless. I mean the whole 'promised' thing is according to whom?  Him? the kid "adult'"?  Things change.

WalkOnBy's picture

You are wrong, dear.  ASS got a scholarship that covers one third, DH and I pay one third (which has turned out to be more and that's okay with me) and ASS pays one third.  

Nice try, though.

WalkOnBy's picture

Yup and we will be paying for about 3/4 of Karate Kid and all of BabyVoice's college expenses. 

So, there's that Smile

WalkOnBy's picture

If my husband decides to pay for grad school, he is more than welcome to do that.   IF he said he would pay for it, and then went back on his word, he would be in for a world of hurt from me.  I can't stand ASS, but if my husband pulled this stunt on him, I would be all in for arguing for ASS.

Why are you so bitter and jealous?  Who screwed you over?

Sweet T's picture

The issue is he made a promise and then reneged and has a history of doing so. I don't get why you would do something like that.

It is interesting to me how much control plays into things.

WalkOnBy's picture

with Asshat, it is/was always about control.  I learned long ago to tune him and not give in to his stupid demands.  Control freaks are losers Smile

Cooooookies's picture

Sometimes I don't understand some comments.  Why are some of you so bitter??  You shared your stories of parents don't have to pay/parents couldn't afford it/parents this/parents that.  Okay, that's fine.  Probably right.  Some of your personal experiences are what they are and you figured it out.

However WOB has established that:

1.  Dad promised and agreed he would pay x amount to help out his son. I can GUARANTEE that if was a skid or crazy BM that made a promise to pay back/pay/finance something and then they just changed their mind without warning.  No call, text, no form of explanation or reasoning.......everyone on this board would be losing their flipping minds and bashing.

2.  Dad. Is. NOT. Financially. Struggling.  While your own personal experiences are great and valuable - they don't apply in this situation.  They just don't.  Not everyone struggles.

3.  Broken promise.  When you rely on someone who promised something and then they back's a big deal.  Of course it is.  With anything.  The more you relied on that promise, the harder it is to switch game plans and recover.  You make a promise to someone, you damn well keep it.  And IF you change your mind - at least have the most basic of common courtesy and decency to AT THE MINIMUM explain your situation with a phone call (in this case) or face to face if local.

Like I say, I don't get the hostility sometimes.  OP's son is a smart, hard-working, college attending, all around good kid who relied on his dad's promise.  There is no crime in that....but it sure is crappy to let your kid down and not even have the bawlz to explain.  I mean, if WOB decided to suddenly not pay his rent as well and never say anything - how would y'all be reacting to that?  Because it would be just as sh*tty.  The poor kid isn't a bum or drug dealer or womanizer or any other bad scenario.  He's just trying to go to school!

Gimlet's picture

I was thinking about this last night.   Thanks for writing this out better than I could.

I agree with all your points.  Reading this made me think about the sitatuation.  I think that so many women on this board have struggled, and have been or are married to men who were taken advantage of financially, that it can be hard to see past that.   That doesn't, however, mean that we cannot or should not be able to empathize when someone is posting as a BM, and we should not automatically think "OMG WHAT A GUBM" instead of stepping back and critically assessing the situation.  

I've struggled. I'm 46 years old and at no point in my life have I been worth more alive than dead.  I hope to be someday, once my student loans are all paid off.  I had my circumstance of birth, and then choices I've made, and that's what it is.  None of those things mean that someone else's upsets and struggles in life aren't meaningful because they aren't the same as mine.  I can relate to the broken promises made by my kid's dad, regardless of whether he's wealthy or paid child support.  It's crappy either way, and we all love our kids and hate to see them disappointed.  We all want the best for them, don't we?  And maybe "the best" looks different for different families, but I can't imagine any of us would look at our child and say "Well, you've been too privileged, sorry, I'm not going to help you anymore."  

It's easy to personalize things sometimes.  Once GhostWhoCooksDinner posted that she was able to save her CS for her kid's college.  It struck a nerve for me, because I was feeling bad that I had saved nothing for my kid's college and because I had chosen someone to be her dad who didn't value education for women.  So I posted something along the lines of "That's great for you, but not everyone can do that", which was completely unneccesary and took away from her joy.  I've always regretted that post, because I knew better then and allowed my own feelings about my situation, which had nothing to do with hers, to affect my response.

It's one thing if the kid is an entitled monster, which we do see here a lot and which colors the conversation.  I don't think it's true in this case.  My DH and I are about to help my daughter spend a year in another state to complete a program that will help her get into grad school.  I don't feel one bit bad about it.  She's worked her little butt off, working two jobs and saving money.  She's asked her dad for help.  He has not supported her financially since she was a teen,consistently breaks plans with her, and did not help at all for college. The college thing is whatever - I didn't plan on his help.  He has told her he will help with this program, but I have the promised amount ready in my account because I have a good idea what's going to happen when it's time to pay.  She will always love him, but she's becoming more and more aware that she simply cannot count on him.  Does that make me a GUBM?  An enabler?  If so, so be it.  

I think this is way less about the money for WOB, and a lot more about feeling the disappointment that once again, her ex is using money to try to make his kids jump like circus monkeys.   

WalkOnBy's picture

It's not AT ALL about the money for me.  Not even a little bit.  It's very simply about the fact that he promised the kid he would pay and now he isn't.  And of top of that, he is asking his other children to help him pay.  Funny how none of the bitter bettys here picked up on that :-)  

I have an update to the story after having dinner with DD27 last night and it's a doozy.  Stay tuned Smile

Gimlet's picture

I think the money is where people are getting stuck, so that's why I phrased it that way.  

Waiting to hear your update.  

Cooooookies's picture

I hear you Gim.  I have always struggled as well.  Mainly due to staying with my ex far too long.  Bad decisions = bad results.  Eh I'm much better now but lessons learned.  I don't begrudge anyone but just think wow it sure would be nice!

Using money as a weapon to hurt people is disgusting though.  Breaking a promise, especially to your own child, is even worse.  Some people just shouldn't be a parent...

GrabitAndGo's picture

What the hell is wrong with some of you?  You had to struggle, or had someone break a promise to you, and now you think everyone should have to suffer the way you did?  I guess the old adage of misery loving company really is true.

The hypocrisy I sometimes see on this board is astounding.  

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

GAHHHH! Walkonby I'm pissed off for you!!! Nothing makes me angrier than a liar and someone who goes back on promises!

I hope he wisens up and stops being stupid about this and pays the tuition! For someone who makes so much he really is a cheap ba****d isnt' he???


(Also those of you being stupid. She had a promise broken to her. THE EXACT SAME THING YOU HATE HAPPENING TO YOU. Learn some empathy and compassion. It's ridiculous as heck that she's having to deal with it. Just because most of us are SM doesn't mean that all BD are good either.)

WalkOnBy's picture

Thanks, PA, yeah, I HATE liars more than anything else in the world.  

But, the promise was not made to me, it was made to Thing2.  The promise I made to Thing2 is being kept.  

This isn't about me at all, it's about Asshat and Thing2.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Lying, being two-faced, definitley the number one way to end up on my s*** list...

I knew that lol, oops! I was typing frustrated... I paid for my own college too, but it wasn't ever expected for my parents to pay. I think if a promise has been made, and if they're working, then that's definitley not something you go back on. If he's not planning to pay for it, then why make a promise?

Tell Thing2 I'm sorry Sad

WalkOnBy's picture

thanks, PA.  I will be face-timing him tonight.  

Fortunately, I will be in Japan in about two months.  I have really missed this kidult!