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Why don't our SO see the other perspective?

VNichol's picture

Why does it alwayalhave to be so difficult? I have been sick on and off with  weather changes down here in TX. I usually don't get allergies or sick for the most part. Well this year has kicked my ass with being sick. Once imI'getting back to my self again bam it hits me again. Back to the dr and back on antibiotics......the works! 

Well my SO thinks that i am unattracted to him, lol that is not the case at all. He expressed to me that for the past few months I have been distant and he feels like there is a disconnect. We have not been having too much sex due to this crud I have. I don't feel sexy or in the mood because of the congestion sinus pressure and headaches. They're out having the crud I still have to go to work and provide for my disabled mother and provide for this house as well. He likes to have these talks through text when I'm at work and my job requires my full attention because I am in the medical field. He just doesn't understand that my mean system is compromised daily with all the sick people I'm around, I am stretched thin between work home life and still taking care of a disabled mother. He never complains about me spending time away from him when she is sick but I can feel he thinks is too much time away from him. To me I just said he is being needy for what reason I don't know.

To give another example, during the holiday season is always super busy at the hospital. I have had a patient that has passed away recently and she is relatively Young and it was an unexpected passing. She was a great patient a great woman and when things like this happen during the holiday season especially, I get emotional. It is just the human part of me grieving for this woman I took care of and he doesn't understand. I know that we have to leave work at work but things of this nature get to me sometimes. So when I get home and hold him extra tight and be grateful that he still alive he doesn't understand. Part of it I think it's him not understanding my profession at all and the stresses I go through and I  want to come home and just lay there. 

I just don't understand why he cant see my perspective at time like this. 



lieutenant_dad's picture

He can't see it because he doesn't live it. Now, can you see his perspective?

His wife comes home, yet again, complaining that she is sick and tired. Day after day, it's the same thing, and there isn't anything he can do to help (or if there is, he isn't sure what it is). He eventually starts internalizing it, not thinking this could possibly be something wrong with just her, but with him, too. He starts feeling unloved and wanting any physical affection directed toward him and you only. Instead, the physical affection he gets is only to comfort you in your grief - a gried he doesn't understand - and it transfer those negative emotions off of you and onto him. Your emotional well was being replenished as his continued to be depleted.

I'm assuming you have access to an EAP or counseling services through work? Use those, not your SO, for comfort. This is advice I would give ANYONE who works in the medical field. You will always lose patients and you will always have bad seasons. You need to discuss those with a professional, not your family who can't relate and will absorb the pain to make you feel better.

If there are things your SO can do to help out, tell him those things. If he won't help, then he brings the disconnect on himself.

Also, look into respite or home care that can help with your mother. Everyone needs a break.

beebeel's picture

This is spot on. Your husband has needs, too, and that doesn't make him "needy." You seem more willing to care for strangers at work than you are concerned for how your husband feels and what he needs. I bet that hurts him deeply and when he tries to tell you about it, you imply he's too needy. Damn.

VNichol's picture

LMAO..........should I get a new job or a new man?  He was the one who referred to himself  as being "needy" 

I will never stop taking care of people, that is the type of person I am and who my BOYFRIEND fell in love with.  I was married to my career before i met him, I'm still learning how to balance the two. I understand the importance of home life and family time. I  have been doing a darn good job at it until this. Thats why i asked for some advice. 

Feels like I'm being shamed for seeking advice

VNichol's picture

Although that was a horse pill to swallow, you have helped me understand his perspective as well. 

It wasn't a full blown emotional dump on him when I walked through the door. It was more like i wanted to hold him closer and tighter because i am grateful for him and dont want to take him for granted. Yes i shed a few tears but it was hardly EAP type of thing. I don't think they( EAP )will be available to me at midnight when I get off work. You are always spot on about what i need to hear...... My first thought was "Dang......that was harsh" yet again you have challenged me to think on how to be a better SO to him. 

It's a challenge to find help with mom, reapite I do not meet criteria.

What's your profession? I think your a professional therapist or a HR person. 

Thanks again.

Letti.R's picture

How long have you and your SO been together?
I am sorry you are having problems, but I went back and read your previous blogs and this relationship seems like incredibly hard work in a short space of time.
Are you sure this is a relationship you want to continue with?

fairyo's picture

Years ago I had a conversation with a work colleague about how my (then) husband didn't see the obvious- she pointed out that it was because it wasn't obvious to him. People don't second guess- they form their own opinions and impressions from what they see and how they interpret that themselves. What is obvious to you isn't obvious to him and vice versa- these things have to be explained very clearly to men because they are not wired the same as us.

I think you need to set aside some time for your DH, free from work and family interference, and do it on a regular basis. If you can't set aside some time for each other then you need to face  up to what is happening in your relationship.

TX2step's picture

Also in Texas. Yeah we have all been fighting constant sickness this year. So I pour all of me into taking care of my patients. When I get home, hubby hasn't been off the couch all day. The dogs are hungry, he missed feeding time. The dogs have soiled the house, because he won't get up to let them out. So, I feed the dogs, clean up after them, not their fault.  He has been pining away for his daughter. My point is there are givers and takers in each relationship. Personally I'm all tapped out.  He refuses to help. Really wish he would go live with his daughter. 

VNichol's picture

I can totally relate to that it's the same when i walk through the door. I have told him before that I want to just relax when i get off a 12 hr shift especially if I have to go back the next morning. I know their excited to see me and spend time with me but it seems like they lay around in PJs all day and wait till i get home to do stuff. It's like they purposely wait for! 

My manager tells me that work is work and will be here when you get back, take care of your family first. Well I applied that to my home life as well. Dishes are  disher, laundry is laundry it will be there when i get to it......... LMAO! 

Fade to black's picture

Hey there! I usually lurk here, havent posted in about a year or so, but logged in to tell you that you are not alone. I too, have been sick since before Thanksgiving.  Also in Texas. I have never had allergy issues, usually small colds that go away. I was an RN for hospice for 17 years before I went back to school to become a teacher. (Loooong story)

So I figure the week break for Tgiving will allow me to recover.  Nope. It got worse, better, almost gone,  then back with a vengeance. I finally got in to see the doc this past Monday and was prescribed antibiotics and steroids.  I had no idea how exhausted I was until i started the meds. Like, seriously,  last weekend I laid in bed. I was beat. We are still putting our house together after Harvey. But, if I am not up and around getting things done, all others ( read: dh and kids) think they dont need to either.  So all this aggravation piles up.

I remember my patients passing away, the young and the old. Especially during the holidays. You feel so sad for them and the family.  It is part of your makeup. 

One of my coworkers from hospice passed away at age 40 from a heart attack. Just like that, overnight. I cried and grieved. My husband probably thought i had an affair with the coworker or something, the way I was so sad. But honestly, it made me think that not one of us is guarenteed a tomorrow.  And what if that had been my husband? This coworker left behind 2 kids.  It was just an eye opening moment. 

You sound alot like me, you have a big generous and giving heart, and you take on alot in private. I had to learn to share with my husband those thoughts, fears, emotions,  etc. Its ok. We have to nurture and take care of ourselves, in order to give our best. 

I hope you start feeling better soon, and you and your husband can get this together. 

PS: My husband and kids are totally on house rebuild duty at this time , lol!!