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Wish Me Luck...I Need to Stay Strong

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 9:22am

So.

After successfully standing up for myself and getting DH to understand that we will make no formal commitment to help SS with his college expenses (again, I am not saying we won't ever go down there to visit and fill his fridge or send him a care package or $100 to help out...just that we aren't going to sign up for xxx number of dollars each month on the 5th...not adding "SS" to my list of monthly bills that I'm already covering 80% or more of)...

...Something else has come up where I'm probably going to have to take a stand.

OSD is moving to another state, about an hour away, to establish residency so she can get in-state tuition rates at a school she wants to go to next year. Her BF got a pretty good job in the town they want to move to...so they plan to move and work for a year...and then both go to school next year...she will finish her BA and he will be going for an MA.

All in all...very good plans and good news. The skids are launching...or at least attempting to!! The problem is, we just did this thing to help OSD with her exorbitant car insurance rates (a result of BM dropping the ball and refusing to pay insurance and then SD, as a minor, got into an uninsured wreck that's been following her around...I've written about this as a comment but never as a full blog post since it happened well before I joined steptalk...one of the many awful things that made me start looking for support, though.)

Anyway. We titled her car to DH and then added her as a driver on OUR policy, which ended up only costing us about $15 more per month than we were paying because of the multi-car discount on both our first car and our home policy. We have offered to do this for a year and then re-title the car to her next spring when her insurance rates will drop.

The problem is...moving out-of-state was not on our radar when we made this offer. I hate to rescind...but I'm also not comfortable with her taking a car titled in my husband's name out of state...and I'm not even sure our insurance company will allow it without really jacking up the rate. Right now, she lives a couple streets away from us, so the car stays at our house and she only drives when necessary...her BF mostly drives.

I know DH will not even think about this...and think it's no problem for her to just take the car, still in his name and on our insurance. He's not buttoned-up about stuff like that, so it will be on me to bring it up and say it's not OK...and I know I'll have to force the issue. Either we title it back to SD and she has to figure out a way to pay that insurance...or we keep the car for her until next spring and she and BF work with one car...

GAHHHHHH. I just hate always being the "bad guy" because I happen to understand paperwork and business and legal things better than DH...

Comments

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 10:01am

Yes...she will definitely have to get her license changed to the new state in order to show residency.

I have no problem adding her name to the title on the car and letting our insurance know she's taking it out of state & will register it there. That will just make the rates go up significantly, and I'm not willing to pay for it. We've already put a lot of $$ into helping her through this issue, and I'm not doing any more.

Right now, what she has is something very provisional called "non-owner's insurance" because of the SR22 she got as a minor thanks to her mom's irresponsibility. It's very cheap and only designed to help people get through the exorbitant insurance rates...the assumption being that they don't drive much. If we switch it so that she is the main driver on that car, which we would have to do if she took it out of state, then the rates will go up for sure.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Submitted by SacrificialLamb on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 10:12am

THis is true, particularly in my state, where the date used to determine residency for tuition purposes is one year from getting your drivers license.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Submitted by ChiefGrownup on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 11:49am

In my state you have something like 6 little weeks before you start getting a ticket for not having local plates. There's no way a person could get away with living here five years and never registering their car to my state. The tickets escalate of course and at some point your car is benched (right away, I think) and your license is revoked. So better check state laws before counting on the five year plan.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 9:47am

This is not happening in the next 3 days, you have time to talk to DH about it,

simply say - Hon you know our insurance will not cover her car when she moves out of state... are we going to transfer the title back to her or do you think it would be best keeping the car here for her till the time she can transfer it to her name...

robin333's picture

Submitted by robin333 on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 10:22am

Ugh. Don't you hate being the one that thinks of these things? I don't know how the insurance works but you are not the one changing the agreement. She's changing the terms by moving out of state which was not included in the original agreement.

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 10:29am

Yes...I do hate it.

I'm just going to bring it up with DH this weekend at our monthly budget meeting and talk it out. I get panicky about these things, because he used to be so irrational and unreasonable about $$$ issues...so it made me just dread talking about it and then sometimes I didn't talk about it and just let it fester and let the resentment build...but he really has gotten better about discussing finances calmly and in a clear-headed way over the past 6 months to a year...so I need to remember that and just lay out our options, expecting him to be rational...

I think I just have PTSD when it comes to his kids and money.

robin333's picture

Submitted by robin333 on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 11:47am

Better to be proactive and hopefully avoid the resentment stage. You might be one of my steplife sisters. My DH was the same about money and I went through the dread/silence and resentment.

I understand your last sentence completely. I start feeling anxious when DH mentions skids have returned contact with him. It only occurs when they have a money request. I have learned that my DH needs time to process and my his own admission, he sucks with money. Instead of agreeing to anything immediately, we discuss thoroughly which allows him to process. It's been working well.

Let us know how it goes this weekend.

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Fri, 07/07/2017 - 9:01am

I will.

Your last sentence is where I am now. DH has, in the past year, started insisting on advance notice from skids and BM for any money requests. The thing I hated is that he would say YES to an unreasonable request and that would throw OUR well-planned-out finances into chaos. I get that unexpected things come up from time to time...but this wasn't every once in a while. It was every time...urgent need. This week! Tomorrow! Then, we'd get the bill and BM or SS or SD would have had it for over a month, in most cases.

He has started telling them that we need requests early, that we won't be saying yes to most of them...and that we will take the time to discuss our budget and see what we are able to do together...and then he'll get back to them. This has worked well. We get fewer requests now and, the ones we do get seem far more reasonable. For instance, BM came to him a couple weeks ago and said she'll have a $300 need in December, when she plans to get cavities filled for both SS and YSD. She has the cheaper insurance which doesn't cover cavities at all, but open enrollment is in October, so she plans to change her dental and schedule the appointment for early December.

I told DH...this is progress. This we can do. In the past, she would have gone ahead and done all this with no communication and then told us November 30 that she needs $300 by December 2.

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 11:50am

Yes...I think that is one of three options we have:

1.) She doesn't take the car and Ubers or figures out a ride schedule with her BF. We keep the car until the spring when her insurance goes down and then title it over to her so she can insure it in another state. (Least expensive, least convenient for her)

2.) We title it over to her now, and she has to figure out titling and insuring the car, likely at great expense. (Most expensive, somewhat convenient).

3.) Add her to the title with DH, inform our insurance agency that she will be moving with the car and add her as primary driver...see what the rate increase is and tell her she has to pay it. (Probably less expensive and more convenient than option #2...but my fear is we'll never see the money...)