Teen skids- zero stars
I honestly don't think I could hate Step life more than I do right now. How is it getting worse instead of better??? Oh that's right, because we have 2 teens and teens absolutely suck.
Mon when skids came we tried to sit down for dinner at the table (rare) and it ended with them fighting and ruining the whole thing. DH and I looked at each other and DH said "well this was fun"... Both skids were moody all week. Then Fri night around midnight SS16 tells us he just got a text from Crazy saying SD13 had sent her a concerning text and SS should check on her. DH ends up talking to SD and she is bawling saying she doesn't want to do it anymore,etc... apparently the text she had sent to Crazy was something like "I'm not going to do anything now, but I think I might at some time". She's talking about suicide, which she's mentioned for like 9 months now? DH got her into counseling and she has had 3 sessions so far. (She's talked to 3 different psychologists/therapists who have all deemed she is not an immediate threat to herself). But, 10 mins prior to this text, SD and SS16 had gotten into a little spat again, and I'm pretty sure that's what sparked it. She can't handle when they fight. So DH is talking to her in her room and he's crying too and saying he loves her so much, etc. Apparently this week her current group of friends won't talk to her, and she's lonely and sad. DH told her she can always hang out in the living room with us, even if she's reading or on her phone with headphones on. He's told her this before repeatedly, but she will only do that if I'm not around, or if I'm home and DH isn't around- never when we're together. She calmed down and everyone went to bed, although DH basically cried himself to sleep. The next morning DH noticed he had a message from Crazy on OFW from midnight saying "I want to pick up SD right now". STFU. DH didn't even respond.
Yesterday SD text DH asking if we can do something that day. We have been taking her somewhere every wknd lately- bowling 3 times in 2 months, out to eat, shopping. We didn't feel like doing anything and he was taking her to her nephew's bball game today, so we decide we'll just play some games at home- Before we even get that far, Crazy sends DH another message on OFW saying "I can't believe you let SD sit in her room alone all day. Take her somewhere and do something instead of playing bored games (yes that's how she spells it)!! Take her ice skating or to get her nails done! She's depressed!". Gahhhhh. Ok first of all, life isn't Disneyland or parents taking you to do all the fun expensive things every wknd! We almost never went to do things that cost $ when I was young. You can still have fun doing things around the house! These kids go out to eat so much it isn't even a treat, it's just expected. 2nd, we are the only ones actually taking her suicidal thoughts seriously. WE got her into therapy, we bought a med safe, we talk to her about it and check in. Crazy won't do any of that and will only tell SD that "this is normal, all kids go through it and if you keep talking about it to your friends they won't like you anymore". SD says she can't talk to Crazy about it. Crazy's solution is to coddle and spoil her. DH didn't respond to that message either, but he's so sick of her constant messages he is thinking about filing for COC just to get her to STFU for a while.
So yesterday we played games for 2hrs, which was great. SD wanted to keep playing but we were both pretty much done. I made dinner, and then SD says, are we playing another game? FFS. We played for 2 HOURS already...we also cannot be playing games constantly!! I said I was done but of course DH played.
DH had told SD earlier, just so you know, just because you say you're sad, doesn't mean we're going to run out and do all these big activities. We can still hang out here and interact. Trying to set expectations since Crazy tells her that we don't care about her as much since we don't constantly take her places. Always shopping or roller skating. She also told skids she "doesn't touch the child support $ she gets, she puts it in a separate acct". BULLSH*T. She does not make enough $ to pay for rent, her brand-new SUV, her hair and nails, all the activities, only on her salary. DH pays $700/month. She is absolutely spending that.
Anyway, it's been a lot. Do I feel bad for SD and have compassion? Absolutely. I have felt how she's feeling. I talked to her and told her to remember this feeling will go away and she won't feel this way forever, that I love her and she's always welcome to talk or hang out. But it's also frustrating that now this is the 4TH group of friends this year alone who have completely cut her out and won't even talk to her. Teen girls suck, I know, but I still believe SD must have a part. And then we are left to fix it all and be the entertainment with these ridiculous expectations of constantly doing fun stuff. And one can only spend so much time with a 13yo before you are like okkkk I'm good for a while. Especially when it's not even your kid. The hope is when they are teens they become more independent, not needier. The whole situation just sucks and I reallly hope it gets better soon.
Meanwhile, DH had to yell as SS16 pretty hard on 2 separate occasions this week, and DH told me he's so sick of his attitude. SS has been lazy, doesn't want to work and makes excuses for everything, won't do anything self-initiated, and is frankly just a PITA. They leave tomorrow, but of course they don't have school tomorrow which means they'll be here most of the day.
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yep teens-not-yours suck
Im just feeling bad about SD Power Sulks meltdown, and here we are at Sunday - the sun is shining and the weather is beautiful, and Im dreading this next week she is with us.
I haven't been on here in a week so I just went and read it- good grief. I can't wait for the day when I don't have to dread a week!
Threatening suicide is not
Threatening suicide is not okay. If she is suicidal she needs to be taken to tbe ER every time she threatens. If she is not suicidal, she should be told that every time she threatens she will be taken to the ER and she should be taken at least once...then maybe she will stop making empty threats.
As for BM, we used to hear all that, too..."skids are bored..." "skids don't want to be at your house..." "you don't do enough with them..." "I'm coming to pick them up..." and on and on and on. So tiresome. I guarantee the only reason they weren't bored at BM's house is because they spent hours playing age-inappropriate games on Xbox at her house. So tiresome.
BM again told DH that miserable teen skids don't want to come to our house when he suggested they stay home last week because BM had covid. If they don't want to come, anymore, they can stop coming. Not worth having a sullen, pouty, rude kid around for 24 to 48 hours...let him bother someone else!
I had actually forgotten about the hospital option since she is in counseling now, but you are absolutely right. Next time this happens that is exactly what DH should do. Saying these things even when she has no intention of doing them is making everyone feel helpless and walk on eggshells. It would definitely be a wake up call!
And this notion that you have to be taking kids places constantly is mind-boggling to me! It wasn't that way at ALL for both DH and I, and even my best friend didn't do that with her kids.
Going that route does help.
Going that route does help. We've had to do it. Do it each and every time.
This was about 15 years ago
This was about 15 years ago now but my old neighbors son threatened to kill himself so his mom called his bluff. 9-1-1. Police showed up put him the the back of the car and drove him to the ER. He was admitted for whatever that psych hold is- 36hrs or something.
I suggested taking her to the
I suggested taking her to the ER to DH and he balked. He thinks that will be reinforcing it- I'm not sure how he gets that, she isn't going to like being on a hold with no access to her phone. What she is going to like, is every time she says it Crazy taking her to get her nails done or shopping, and DH playing 1 million games of UNO with her until I literally want to claw my eyes out.
So I told DH fine, maybe just talk to her therapist and see what she recommends.
I find it so frustrating when
I find it so frustrating when SD messages BM when she is here about something we are doing and she doesn't want to and then Dh phone goes off with a melt down tantrum from BM. It's none of her business and SD is fine..
Im sorry you are dealing with a highly emotional strung teenager. Hormones are not helping with the moods these teenagers have and it's annoying to deal with their demands when you feel they give nothing in return. Threatening suicidal actions is not a joke and telling her you are taking her to the hospital for her own safety would definitely help stomp out her empty threats.
Definitely have the same issue where the skids are exposed to unlimited screen time of inappropriate content for their age at BMs so DH never heard anything from them but over at ours where we have restrictions and routine, SD complains as it's super strict here.
DH has ignored Crazy's last
DH has ignored Crazy's last few messages demanding he do what she wants him to so she just sent another one saying "You haven't responded to my messages- Not OK. I will be contacting SD's Therapist and letting her know you have let SD be in an unsafe situation again".
I just can't. This is the same woman who refuses to buy a med safe after the psychiatrist told her to, so SD has full access to meds (how SD said she had thought of committing suicide) at her house.
I ran the idea past DH about taking SD to the hospital next time she makes statements and he balked. He thinks THAT is encouraging it. So I suggested he talk to her therapist and just do what she recommends. Sigh.
Hopefully DH is calling in CPS alerts constantly when
pseudo-suicidal SD is with her idiot womb donor. The Med-Safe, etc...
Also, DH needs to get to court to force BM to only communicate with him via MFW. Hopefully DH is copying and saving every one of BM's communications, threats, etc... so he can bare her ass in court.
We have saved it all
We have her blocked on everything so she can only communicate with him on OFW. Where there are communication guidelines that she gleefully violates regularly. I'm over it. DH is over it. We also have texts she has sent SD referring to me in a derogatory manner (also against the CO guidelines). I'm ready to do something about it, no matter how much of a difference it makes.
Oh man the threats BM said to
Oh man the threats BM said to your DH saying it's not Ok he didn't reply is crap. DH attended a human services seminar he needed to attend before going to mediation with BM, and they said if the communication is high conflict, then less is better. They encourage using apps that filter out any swearing or banter. They encourage to not respond to any messages when the other person is clearly in a mode of heightened emotions. Just anything to minimise any conflict that can be seen and heard around children. If they are texting demands and threats any allied health professional will say 'do not reply' as responses can escalate a situation. So BM can rant all she wants to your DH about his lack of responses to her crazy texts, she won't have a leg to stand on at all.
I absolutely love when DH doesn't reply. 2 things are accomplished: Less back-and-forth conflict, and it drives her absolutely insane. Lol. I just picture her over there seething, trying to think what she can do about it, and all she can come up with is threatening to tattle on DH to SD's Doctors. As if they care or can do anything! *ROFL*
'I will only communicate with you via OFW. As the CO says.'
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Yes...the separate account
Yes...the separate account bullsh!t! My SO's BM2 said the same thing. She doesn't need the CS money and she's saving it all in a separate account to give the skids when they turn 18. Lol. Except SS18 is almost 19, and he hasn't seen a dime of this supposed separate account and BM2 didn't buy him the car she promised, either. She, however, rolls around in Lexuses and Infinitis. BMs that say this should have their CS revoked. Since they don't need it and all.
Besides that, i just want to say i feel for you. SD sounds so draining. When did the expectations of parents change from providing and teaching to being the on-demand entertainment for their kids? You are expected to constantly entertain and make her happy but she just gets more miserable. I hope the therapist is addressing this. You are not obligated to do all this. Neither is your DH, but that's another story. Maybe therapy would help him, too?
And apparently these BM's all took the same course about bullshitting their kids, trying to look so heroic by saying they are "not spending the CS money". Please.
I think DH should be having more conversations with her therapist, addressing some of this. Meanwhile, Crazy will be contacting the therapist to tell her how we are not taking SD ice skating and to get her nails done like she demanded and "only played bored games with her". This therapist is going to be like Jesus Christ, no wonder this kid is suicidal!
This is why the SKids need the facts.
They should know what the NCP pays the NCP to the penny, how frequently, and what it is for. Skids need to see and understand the CO, every page, paragraph, sentence, and letter of it.
I also think that SKids should see the CP's tax information if the NCP can provide it so the SKids know what the CP actually makes compared to what is paid in CS. For CPs who use that money for theyselves while not working or not making shit for an income and trying to frame the NCP as a deadbeat, it should be game on for the NCP to destry the CP legally, and even in the minds of their children. WHat is good for a manipulative CP, should be equally used by an NCP to counter the toxic crap and give SKids clarity on reality so they are not force fed the toxic crap from either side. Facts, facts, facts, facts, facts.
When the SpermClan tried crying to SS about how the CS they paid to my DW was starving SS's three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas, paying for SS's nice clothes, our new homes, new cars, vacations, etc.... we sat SS down for the financial review, CO review, and the facts regarding SpermGrandHag and SpermGrandPa paying all of the Spermidiot's CS, covering all of his living expenses (he is 54 years old and still lives rent free in one of his mommy and daddy's rental properties), and how much it costs for our homes, cars, quality school districts, vacations, etc....
That was a real eye openner to SS. He made the immediate conneciton that $133/mo did not starve his younger sibs, nor did it pay for shit for anything to feed, clothe, house, educate, provide medical care, dental care, etc.... for SS. Sadly, he looked at his mom and I and asked why they would lie to him like that.
Though we had opinions, those are not facts so we told SS we did not know why they lie to him but we felt it was important that he know the truth.
Facts matter. They are not good, nor are they bad. They are just facts. The kids need them. Every single one of them, if the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool is as manipulative as so many of them are.
IMHO of course.
I say this as a mental health
I say this as a mental health professional - While SD may be depressed, I think she is also playing games. She is learning that if she plays the highly emotional, so depressed, might be suicidal card, it will grant her attention and fun because BM (and in some ways, DH), are reinforcing that. She knows it will for sure grant her unlimited and dotting attention from DH and likely grant her a fun activity out of the house. She is learning that if she is sad, she can get her nails done, go out to eat, or that DH will pay attention to her 24/7 for her visit.
I agree with StrugglingSM. If she is so depressed, then she goes to the ER, every single time. If not the ER, then she gets an urgent consult with her therapist. Make it so that these depressive episodes don't reap fun rewards. She needs to learn to cope with things like fighting with her brother or drama with friends at school and she can't run and claim depressed or suicidal every time something negative happens.
DH dated our BM in high school and she was the same way. Every single time her parents were mad at her, she fought with DH, anything negative happened in her life, she became highly emotional, ran away from home, threatened self harm, etc. She wanted everyone to worry about her and chase her. And they would, granting her the attention she so desperately wanted. But when people stopped showing that care and concern because it happened so frequently, it all stopped almost immediately. BM was miraculously no longer suicidal or depressed. It's because the outcomes didn't have the desired effect and it all came down to attention-seeking behavior. I'm not saying SD is doing this exactly and I'm not saying she isn't emotionally struggling, but all the attention she is getting out of concern and worry is subconsciously reinforcing that behavior instead of teaching her how to cope.
Your take is what I think also. Do I think she is struggling? Yes. Do I think she is capitalizing on it? Also yes. Crazy is an easy sell- she already thinks kids should be your sole and only focus and you should be only doing activities with them. She has only amplified that since this started. And DH has been doting also, although throwing less $ at it and with less big activities than BM. He won't tell SD no.
I just suggested to him that the next time she makes comments about suicide, we should take her to the ER. He balked- he thinks that will only encourage her. I told him I disagree, I think right now she is already getting positive attention when she makes these statements, from him and Crazy. I suggested he just talk to her therapist then and see what she recommends. I think meds should be discussed also. We can't all walk on eggshells.
It's been 9+ months of this and something has to give. I appreciate your perspective!
Taking her to the ER is
Taking her to the ER is almost guaranteed to make her stop. No teenager wants to go to the ER, strip down into a gown, go through the whole intake process, have labs taken, wait for a doctor, etc. A hospital is the least glamorous and most boring place ever and it takes HOURS. If SD realizes that this will occur EVERY single time she makes threats of self harm or goes down this path of depressive spirals, she will be less inclined to do so. What teen wants to sit in the ER every other weekend? She will learn real quick.
If you make her mental health more of a reality check and less Disneyland, she will be less inclined to use it for attention. Right now this behavior either gains her DH/BM's full attention or fun activities on their dime.
this and to add, she won't be
this and to add, she won't be in the regular ER, she'd be in the psych waiting/holding area. It is a harsh world in there. The staff behind the locked window has the remote, no cell phones, no visitors. She'd wait in that room, very little furniture, no pillows, no blankets, etc. Then she'd be taken into a small room for interviewing purposes. Again, no comforts, just a bleak room w/ nothing that can be used as a weapon. It could take up to 12-24 hrs to be admitted and they have no pity for teenage girls who cry wolf. If she did get admitted, it is a monitored wing, staff don't let you do anything on your own. She'd have a no contact rule in place which means no calls to mommy to manipulate the situation. And you have to particpate in many interviews/sessions. I had to take my brother for intake a few years back but I grew up w/ a mentally ill mom who went there at least once a year. It is not a movie set, it is stark, it is harsh, it is real. A lesson she might need to learn to stop trying to control everyone else w/ threats of self harm.
You both have me convinced
You both have me convinced that this is the right move next time (God I hope there isn't a next time) this happens, but DH won't agree, so I still think he has to talk to her therapist to get her opinion on what to do. The psychologist she initially spoke to already recommended meds (although it was a very quick recommendation after talking to SD for like 5 mins, so it seems that's what they just go to, which is why DH didn't just jump on that idea. Plus SD is on a ton of meds already, so he was hesitant to add to that right out of the gate.) so I think this should be revisited. Plus, DH thinks SD genuinely feels sad and lonely and has these thoughts- ok, so just talking to the therapist is not giving immediate results, time for the next step.
I agree with the others there
I agree with the others there. We had to do this. It was at that point. My step son was exhibiting similar behaviors. My husband tried calling the suicide hotline. They didn't really offer much and basically said there was a waiting list to see a psychiatrist. If you call the police or take her to ER there are appropriate people in the psych area there to keep her safe if needed. It also sends a strong message and it's a harsh reality for them that is what's needed. Especially in your case with bio mom trying to spoil SD rather than address it by taking an action.
SD is the root cause of her friend problem.
My dad used to give me/us the common denominator speach. If the same thing repeatedly happens, we are the common denominator.
Compassion for SD is one thing. Letting her be manipulatve, etc, with her tears, allusion to suicide, etc... nope.
Multiple therapists have deemed that she is not a risk to herself. That makes her crap more likely than not pure manipulation.
I would have her in the funny coat in a rubber room as an in patient on suicide watch each time she played that card if I were her parent. Look at what her bullshit manipulations are doing to her brother and father.
And BM wants to take ner shopping and reward her for the manipulative bullshit.
DH has told her this also
DH actually gave her the common denominator speech! I didn't realize this was a thing. Lol. He has told her, you've had 3 friend groups cut you off- you need to look at your actions here too because you're the common denominator. It's hard because she seems like a mostly likable kid, but I don't know what we're not seeing. We don't really see much of her friendships.
Crazy takes her shopping or to some fun activity every single wknd. She is never punished for anything, they are completely codependent. Whatever, do what you want, but don't make that the expectation here because it's not happening every wknd.
Likeable at home... is not likeable at school and socially.
Kids play parents. Parents, particularly the parents that bred them, see far less of reality than peers do. Their peers are far less susceptible to their bullshit. Much like SParents are far less susceptible to SKid bullshit. We do not have the genetic predisposition to rose colored glasses.
Isn't that the truth
Yesterday when SS16 asked if he could have his gf over for like the 3rd day in a row, rather than going to her house where supposedly they are allowed to be in her bedroom with the door closed (here it has to be cracked), I said to DH that I was starting to wonder if they really can have the door closed there, because why is our house more appealing otherwise? DH said, man, you really are suspicious of everything aren't you? (SS and his gf were quiet for 45 mins straight the other day in his room, no talking, and I was fairly certain hanky panky was going on). I said, "I'm just not looking at things with rose-colored glasses" *unknw*
Lol. What kids all seem to fail to understand is that we were 16
Hanky panky was and always will be a goal for sexually blossoming teens.
I just never go caught. At least I never got caught by my own parents. Not because I was smarter than my parents, but because I just would not try it in their home. Though I did get caught, twice, by the girls' parents.
First, was my HS English teacher's younger sister. Their mom caught us in their basement. Monday in English class was an extremely uncomfortable experience. To avoid that being every day of class after that, I spoke to my teacher after class that day. Fortunately my teacher was young and not vindictive. And, we were just kissing. Thank goodness it was only kissing or it could have been a shit storm of monumental proportions.
The second time was a good 5yrs later in my early 20s. The young woman's father caught us in the family room of their home. He just told her to get me out of the house. I kept covered by pillows so he never knew who I was. Which is a good thing as it was a small community and I saw him a number of times that summer.
Your comment to SS was just the right one.
My ex husband was dumb like
My ex husband was dumb like that. He would let his son and his son's girlfriend go upstairs to his bedroom on the second floor of our duplex and "nap" under the covers. I expressed my concern, gently, and my husband says, "Well I talked to him and I trust him." I shrugged it off but was really bothered by this. Finally the day came when my husband went up there while they were "napping" to tell his son he needed to get up for work (his son worked then but daddy would have to make sure he left for work on time, that lasted for a year or so before he finally go fired for his attendance). Anyway, daddy walked in on the two little angels diddling each other. Then he got all pissed at them and ripped their asses out of my earshot but I knew something was up because he was pissed. When my husband finally told me what happened, I smirked and said, "I told ya so." He then became furious at me, like I was the a&&hole.
Sooooooo glad I'm out of that mess. My ex was a lousy father. Just a complete dumba## Disney Daddy.