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Thetis's picture

Part of me trying to get rid of this pain and anger towards Dh is us talking about how we are going to proceed with this "relationship" with Bm. I don't hate her. I'm actually quite sure I could eventually get along with her and that is what I am hoping for. But I feel like my feelings are being stomped on to make his interactions with her easier. And that is not fair. So I have told him I want us to have a serious discussion about boundaries and respect.

Boundaries that will allow me to trust Dh and befriend (or at least tolerate) Bm.
Do NOT drink with her or around her, unless I can be there to.
* We are a united front and stupid things are done while drinking. If we are going to be in that situation I want to be there as well to stand up for him or shut him up if something dumb is said.* (He has already agreed to this.)
Please do not tell her anything that could be used against us in court.
* We are not hiding things from her but she really does not need to know how much he works (especailly when we keep the maintenance updated ), she does not need to know that Munchkin got a swat on the bum for screaming in his face for half an hour. She just does not need to know the not so sunny side of our lives. SD is safe and happy when she visits us, that is all she needs to know.* (He keeps fighting me on this one, I just dont want to go back to court)
You do not need to talk to her about things that do not directly involve SD.
* This should be obvious. Unless we are in a socail setting together, there is no need to stop and have a big talk, this includes pick up times. There is sooo much to talk about when it comes to SD so WHY do you need to talk about anything else?*
Do not make plans for SD, with BM or anyone, without talking to me. You have designated me "Master Planner" so I could have something planned already.
*He does this sooo often it bothers me. He wants me to plan things like Bday parties and Easter, but as soon as someone calls he'll say "Yea sure... she can be there for this or that" without talking to me. (And he never knows what days are what)

Please do not talk about your pregnancy, labour or delivery. Yes I'm pregnant but it is SOOO akward. Maybe if you had another kid other then DHs to talk about it would be different but I am well awear that you were pregnant and you did successfully deliver a little girl.
*I dont think this is done out of malice, I think its just one of those "Everymom wants to share with expecting moms". But really its just dumb. We can swap stories in five or ten years when the thought of her sleeping with my fdh does not boil my blood and make me want to scream, if ever.
Please do not expect to be able to call us up and have us take Munchkin for an extra week or weekend so you can go out. We love having her around but we are not babysitters, and if its during the week its going to be me watching her, NOT Dh. Please give us a week notice for long stays (3 or more days).
*This is in part because dh will agree and then I have to freak because we have a obstetricain appointment 3 hours away or something.

Ok I'm all out of gripes. What do you girls think?


Snowflake's picture

I think your list is 100 percent absolutely reasonable. Why the hell would you want to hear about her pregnancy that she had with YOUR dh???

When she starts that crap then just stop her dead in her crap and maybe start talking about how you really wanted this baby from the moment of the HOT conception with dh. That you tried everyday to try and conceive this child... many times a day... over and over again. And tell her how dh just love that you are pregnant and loves you pregant little belly. A low blow, yes, but it will give her the picture that she needs to shut her trap and that she needs to move on and tell her story to someone who cares to hear. Because she is only telling you those stories becasue she knows they bother you.

And you are right... you are not babsitters. If she wants to trade a weekend, then fine, but make sure she knows its a trade and NOT a favor. Because if she thinks it is a favor than she will think she is the big boss of you and DH and she will keep doing it.

Thetis's picture

lol We were trying for almost a year for this baby. But I don't think I'd bring it up. When she brought up her labour it was because her sister was talking about being pregnant. Her sister actually shut her down really fast on that one. I don't need to remind her that this baby was and is wanted as opposed to being a mistake. Even if I do want to have Dh's brain completely reprogrammed.

Thetis's picture

He'll be home soon.
Does anyone have anything else I should add, rephrase or change? Did I forget something?

DISbelief's picture

Sounds to me like you have your bases covered. And when you begin dialogue with DH, other things may pop in to your head. Just make sure you think them through before you say them outloud. I am a big time "foot in mouth" arguer! I always end up bringing up things that should have been dead and gone eons ago. Good luck girl, and let us know how it goes!


~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ Wink