Its been hell lately. Perhaps one of my own making. DH and I have been arguing constantly, and the arguments are all centered around my anger and resentment. I cant contain it anymore. Several things are coming to the surface, I think triggered by Munchkin SD12, and her crying incident on Friday.
Munchkin SD12 had texted me several times asking to come by on Friday because she needed to change clothing. I said, "I will wait here, but I HAVE to leave, are you close?" She said she was, but it was still making me late. DH had taken the day off fishing, and Toxic Troll Bm was for once responsible for taking her to school. And somehow she had no clean clothes. I waited. There was no way I was going to leave the door unlocked and leave the house, but I felt bad for munchkin.
She came in and I said, "you know I cant leave, but I am late now..." She said "Im going to be fast...."
She was triggered (again) by my saying that I dont feel comfortable leaving her alone in our home, when her mother is outside.
I said "its because your mother has broken every boundary and disrespected us so much..."
She burst out crying so hard, I actually COULD NOT LEAVE,. I told her I care for her very much, but please dont go outside crying like that to your mother, who will then send nasty mean texts that I am abusing her precious daughter (forget about her making munchkin cry week before last, when she supposedly mishandled the rabbit, but in actuality was taking her anger with DH out on child. Yes, forget about that...).
When she was dropped off with us Saturday because her mother wanted to go meet some dude and was ging out of town, Munchkin was cold and distant and argumentative with me. Because I am the bad person who doesnt want her mother around my home.
All weekend, DH and I bickered. I hate this. I am angry. I resent him, I despise Toxic Troll BM and Toxic Feral his daughter. I am starting to resent his youngest, whom I love dearly.
My anger and resentment is making him angry and resentful, so he reflects all my emotions back onto me. I dont know how to change the never-ending loop, and am having no joy being married to him anymore. He gets irritated at everything, snaps at me. I walk on eggshells with both he and Munchkin, all the time. Its exhausting.
She got over Friday and was awesome Sunday, after sulking Saturday, but the triggers are always there, waiting for me to trip over them, causing a crying fit. Im tired and despondent, when here it is a lovely Spring Day. Flowers bursting everywhere, on green hillsides and there is a pit in my stomach that wont go away. I fantasize about being single, and living alone without all this anger, and it is such a freeing, happy feeling that washes over me.