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MIL and BM....

tankh21's picture

So MIL is coming this coming up this Wednesday to see DH and the skids.  Apparently she told DH today that she arranged something with BM to see the skids on Thursday at BM's house.  I really could care less.  BM and MIL talk all the time.  Would it bother you if BM and your MIL talked all the time?  Should I just not pay attention or care what they are doing?

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Daisymazy2's picture

I talk occassionally to my XH's mom.  She does have my phone number and we are friends on social media. We do talk maybe about once every 3 or 4 months.  

I have never  arranged any kind of meetings with her to come to MY house to see my Bkids.  She would tell me when they were coming for a visit (they live in another state) and I would contact my xh.  Xh and I  would work out a time for him to get the kids during their visit.  

If BM wasn't trying to start any drama, I guess it wouldn't bother me if she talked to MIL.  MiL hates BM with a passion so I would never see that happening.

lieutenant_dad's picture

You're supposed to be disengaging, so no, you shouldn't care.

It annoys DH and I greatly that MIL was (is?) in contact with BM frequently because it caused issues for DH. MIL would upset BM so she would withhold visitation. MIL would give BM all her money then demand DH pay her back. BM would call MIL for extra visits or babysitting instead of DH. MIL would show up to events that DH either purposefully avoided or that DH should have been invited to, but BM would tell MIL first and she'd jump at the chance, even at the expense of her own son seeing his kids more.

So, yes, it bothered me. However, DH put MIL and BM in their places, eventually, and it has simce resulted in BM not relying on MIL and DH not involving MIL in his time with the kids. She is reaping what she sowed, which is somewhat sad as she is not in great health. However, MIL isn't exactly a great influence to begin with, and the kids already deal with enough BSC family through BM. So, really, it is probably better for the boys to have less connection to someone who would throw her own kid into traffic if it meant she got to spend an extra 5 minutes with her grands.

Don't worry about what they do. Unless their behavior is directly impacting you or DH, just let it go. Set firm boundaries that protect you and your home, and let the rest fall where it may.

ESMOD's picture

Would it bother me?  Probably a little bit.  If I were your DH, I would probably be more bothered by what in my mind is a bit of mixed allegiance by his mother.  But.. my MIL speaks with both of her son's Exes.  She says they are the women who made her a grandmother.. and she has known these women for a long time and for the sake of her grandkids.. she isn't going to have a contentious relationship with them.  In the case of my BIL (as you know from my past story.. he was probably at fault in his relationship failing anyway).. she knew his wife since she was a teen.. and so she still will even have her over with the grandkids at times.  That is especially awkward since BIL and his new wife live back there.. but it is what it is.  She has less affection for my DH's EX.. but she will still be civil for the girls' sake.

What I would do is just try to ignore what is not affecting you.  Her seeing BM at BM's house is not your circus.. not your monkey.  It is mildly annoying, but not anything you have any control over so I would just try to ignore it.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

So mixed here. On one hand I get MIL is an adult and I have no control so I have to ignore it. On the other hand, it's like this weird set of split loyalties and I'd never trust the woman if she was in constant contact...

Thankfully crazy MIL vanished after court. Psycho threw a tantrum and blocked her on everything and it snapped MIL back to the reality that Psycho really is a psychotic abusive wh0re.

But I get it bothering you. It bothers me too. To me if someone hurts those I love, my loyalties are with them. So BM abusing the skids and doing a number to DH would be enough for me to plot her demise if I was MIL.... But maybe I'm just weirdly loyal. LMAO

HowLongIsForever's picture

SO is in a situation where BM can't seem to fully adult so his mommy dearest is a third parent.  Or,  I suppose with the way she behaves when it comes to BM, she's the other parent and SO is the afterthought.  Legend has it that this was a significant dynamic shift after the divorce.

It drives me absolutely bonkers in the way it affects SO.  And I can't defend him any better than he can defend himself.  Beyond that? I give zero phucks.

My very limited experience with BM makes it crystal clear that she's not a person I would enjoy under different circumstances.  

MIL is, oh, I suppose I'd call her - well, lots of things - an emotional manipulator.  She is drama 24/7.  She can turn the most benign thing into a slight.  Or a distress signal.  Or a battlecry.  She is beyond tiresome. Also not a person I would have in my life under different circumstances.

My sole role when it comes to those two is as SOs support.  Different perspective? Check.  Sounding board? Check.  Absurdly vindictive fantasy revenge plot to never be put into action? Check.  Catalyst to living authentically and getting as close to indifference as possible?  Check, check.

I figured out a long time ago that I don't want to play family with either one let alone friend.  Heck, even foe would be expending too much energy.  

If you find yourself at a similar conclusion, don't let them rent space in your head and certainly not for free.  I'd rather spend my free time herding cats.