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Manipulating reptile on the war path again!!

tankh21's picture

OSS's birthday is tomorrow he is turning 14.  DH had texted BM and OSS a few weeks ago that he was going to pick him up on his birthday from 6:00 pm to 8:00 pm per the CO.  Then all of the sudden today BM starts her manipulating guilt trip mind games telling DH that she got tickets for some game and that she is taking OSS demanding that he pick him up on Sunday because she is not going to let him ruin his birthday.  DH tried to get me involved of course I just laughed and said what do you want me to do about it?  He said I need help on respond to her text messages.  I just told him to take a picture of the CO and send it to her and then tell her that per the CO I will be picking up OSS at 6:00 pm and dropping him back off at your residence at 8:00 pm and leave it at that and ignore her. So he did that and she said well you aren't punishing me you are punishing him and that is why he hates you!  DH wanted to cuss her out and call her a psychopath.  I told him well if you want her to use that against you in court you go on ahead and tell her crap and give her power.  I am getting better at not letting BM's manipulation games bother me.  So I guess DH is still picking up OSS tomorrow.  I told him that I am still not over the drama from the other day and I do not care to deal with any more drama.  


I love dogs's picture

Good for you. From what I've been told here, he can't complain in court unless he actually tries to enforce his visitation time. So he will only take OSS out and leave YSS with BM?

tankh21's picture

Yes, he is leaving YSS with BM.  He already took him for his birthday.  There was no problem then because BM was at work.

I love dogs's picture

Wait.. What?? BM didn't actually have tickets and plans to take OSS somewhere? Mind boggling.

tog redux's picture

UGH. I'm having flashbacks.  This is just what we went through.  This is a key behavior of parents who are trying to alienate kids - give them a more "fun" option during the other parent's visitation time, and then blame the other parent for enforcing their time.

Truthfully, we did just what you are doing - but if I could go back, I'd do it differently.  I'd ask to talk to SS and let him know that Mom said he has tickets for a show, does he prefer to do that? And if he said yes, I'd agree to the next day pick-up. Let him know, though, that it was DH's time per the Court Order and BM didn't ask his permission to do the other activity.  

I know it's completely and utterly unfair, and if you give BM an inch, she'll take a mile, but it does take SS out of the middle. My DH just tried to enforce everything and BM ended up making SS hate him just because of things like this. 

In our case, she STILL does it.  SS is 18 and was going to go visit DH's family with us, and suddenly BM let him know a good friend was coming over, so he chose that. He's still completely oblivious to what BM does.  But having had him alienated for over 3 years, this time, DH said nothing except, "have fun!"

twoviewpoints's picture

Had the BM responded a few weeks ago when your DH texted about the birthday, and asked about possibily taking SS to game and Dad trading for Sunday afternoon/evening, I'd probably would not have cared if I were him. 

Some events are only on certain dates. Unless I had already booked something fun and exciting with the kid for his birthday, I wouldn't much care if I had Saturday or Sunday as long as the kiddo gets to do something he'd enjoy on his birthday with both parents (individually , of course). But that's besides the point. BM tried to pull a fast one, she's playing tricks and being unfair to the child and the opposite parent. 

With that said, these are the type of things your BM always pulls, so doesn't surprise me and it really shouldn't have taken your Dh by surprise. He should pretty well have a routine regular response to her shenanigans ready to hit resend with. 

tog redux's picture

I think where DH (and I) went wrong was not keeping our eye on SS as the one this affected most. Yes, his mother manipulated him, yes, DH has court-ordered time with him, but at 14, when it comes to a 2-hour visitation on his birthday, it shouldn't become a Battle Royale between DH and BM while SS stands on the sideline wondering if he has a say in his birthday plans.

Boundaries are very important and I'm not suggesting he ALWAYS give in to BM, but don't always just fight it either, just on principle. It's a tough line to walk.

tankh21's picture

Yeah, I am staying out of this though.  I try not to involved myself when it comes to the skids unless it affects me directly.  I do get what you are saying though tog redux.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, by “I” I meant DH. That’s what I’d advise him to do. I never spoke to BM but I gave him a lot of bad advice. 

tankh21's picture

Nope she didn't respond to the text message at all and SS just sent a message that said ok so it's not like they both didn't know and BM waits until the day before to tell DH that she has tickets to go somwhere knowing that he was going to pick up SS.  He picked up YSS a few weeks ago for his birthday and it was the same issues.  But you are right DH should expect this crap every time he has to deal with BM.

Maxwell09's picture

I think you did perfect. This is what I told DH to do when he asked me for advice. Refering back to the CO every single time with just a picture with the particular part marked/highlighted is the best way to respond. It two fold, one he isn't getting caught up with bad talking/fighting back AND it's proof she knows what's in the CO so if they ever go to court she can't say she didn't know.