Winter break visit, I need some input
DH and BM split custody of sd6. 6months with mom overseas and 6months with DH in the states. Well, now that sd6 is starting kindergarten, DH only gets breaks. This winter break was our first visit since the new parenting plan started. By CO, DH can pick DH up 24hrs after school is out and BM can pick up 24hrs before school starts. DH picked her up on the 17th, her bday is on the 27th. BM basically told DH that she's picking him up the day after sd6 bday. He had no say. BM said it's because of the time difference, doctors say children need a week to adjust to their time zone. And that she already bought her return tickets to go back home On the 29. Sd6 started school on the 3, so BM took 5 days away from DH. I guarantee she won't make an adjust for summer visit and have 5 extra days.
So within sd6 short visit, we tried to do things that sd6 missed doing. Ate at mcdonalds, Starbucks, cooked spam (she's not allowed to eat spam at her moms cuz they told her it'll kill you), went to the mountains and played in the snow, watched movies at home, visits with all of her family from both of her sides. whatever we could. But those things are things we would normally do. I worked pretty much her whole Visit, but DH took time off to spend quality time. Then there were also days when we didn't do anything. For her birthday we just had her cousins sleep over and had cake and ice cream. She really did enjoy herself. During her visit sd6 would ask "how many more days til I go with my mom?" Then she would count down as the days went by. She kept expressing that she wanted to stay and she didn't like where she lived. But let me also say that BM and bmh also shared that they hate the Air Force base they are at too. Sd6 asked DH to ask BM if she can stay. DH asked why does she want to stay. Sd6 said because she has family here and she doesn't have family where she lives, just her little sister.
They say came when we had to drop her to her mom for pick up. Sd6 was ok and we let her know we would see her at the airport. As usual, they were late getting to the airport. Everyone is chit chatting, but BM came alone! Her husband or 1y/o daughter didn't come. And we already know that when bmh isn't around, BM is totally different. So, we walk to security and watch them get in line. We are waiting on the other side of the belts and BM and sd6's line is coming towards us. I see sd6 is crying. Shes walking with her face in her moms jacket. I tapped DH and said "she's crying". So as they approach us, DH picks her up and comforts her. Sd6 is saying she doesn't want to go and that she wants to stay with him. DH follows them down the line as long as he can, but I see him also talking to BM. I'm hoping it's a good talk. DH asked BM if it was ok for him to give sd6 an iPad so she can call him and BM agreed. She also said she would be ok with frequent phone calls which would be great since they can FaceTime as long as she's on wifi.
That goodbye was the hardest for DH. Never has sd6 cried that way when she left. And we've done this 4 times!
Well, DH has scheduled oovoo calls with sd6 on mon/wed/sat. Sd6 first oovoo talk at her home was a Saturday. Sd6 was fine asking questions like how many more days, hrs, minutes til she comes back to stay. She's talk to bs9 and everything is fine..until..it's time to go. Sd6 did not want to get off. She started getting emotional. DH comforted her to where she was ok hanging up. Then, not long after sd6 calls DH back! She said she misses him and doesn't want to live there anymore. He talks to her for a little bit and then they say goodbye. Monday comes and it's worse. Almost the whole talk she's crying. She says her mom and daddy's there are mean to her because she can't sleep. Yes, I'm sure it's frustrating trying to get her back on schedule. Sd6 said that her mommy lied to her and that she took the iPad away and that DH only asked to talk to her on their normal scheduled days. Sd6 was just not taking things well. She said she wanted to go so DH said ok. They hang up and a minute later, she calls back. She said she always cries after she hangs up. She said she wants to live with DH and doesn't care about the plane ride. Let me say that she always complains about the plane ride so that was a red flag for us. She kept asking DH to ask BM if she can come, if she can have the iPad and for her picture book. Her picture book is a photo album I made for her with all of her family here in the states and us. And when we talk to sd6, it's always almost dinner time. So convieneint for BM and bmh cuz that's always the excuse for sd6 to get off oovoo. We here bmh come into sd6 room and tells her she needs to get off cuz it's dinner time. Sd6 keeps saying " no! I don't want to go!" Instead of bmh comforting her he says "say goodbye to your dad and come and eat" she is just crying and crying. DH tries to calm her down and tells her that he'll talk to her again and she needs to eat. She says "no! I can't leave you! I just can't!" Over and over. DH is holding back his tears cuz he can't do anything. Sd6 tells bmh she wants to go with her dad and he says " you can't cuz you have school tomorrow. You're 6 years old and if you don't go to school me and mommy will get in trouble and go to jail". Honestly, I thought "wtf is that gonna do?!" And maybe today she should be an exception for her to eat and talk to her dad since she's having a tough time. At least for today. Sd6 says to DH "promise me you'll call tomorrow" since it's a Tuesday DH said he would ask BM. She said "promise you'll ask my mommy" then we hear BM walk in and tell her to get off cuz it's dinner time. But once BM said that sd6 can call her daddy tomorrow, she calmed down. DH spoke to sd6 a little longer but finally got to hang up in a somewhat calming matter.
DH writes BM an email about his concerns and wants to discuss what they can do together to make sure that sd6 is coping with everything that's happening well. I told DH "BM needs to email you back with a plan that reassures you that she will be there to support sd6". Take a wild guess what kind of email BM sent. An email full of BULLSHIT.