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Another topic from BM and BMHs email

stuckinthebay's picture

This is part of BM and BMH original email regarding the iPad and 3ds issue.

"She is still waking up at night, so when she's all good in that aspect then she can have the iPad back for calls.

After last night, I'd like to remind you of what we originally agreed to when school began. School night calls shouldn't be as long as weekend calls, and as long as it isn't interrupting her schooling and her personal life she may continue the additional call on Monday. Her call last night was nearly an hour long - causing her to go to bed late since she still needed to complete a worksheet her teacher gave her, finish her dinner, and take a bath (which she missed because of time running out). Monday's are looking to be busy as it is since she just began her Girl Scouts meetings this week. From what her leader said, meetings are 1 to 1 1/2 hours long depending on the type of activity they are doing. So, I just wanted to mention that for future calls. Now that she is back to normal and is in her normal routine again, I'd like to keep things the way they were over here."

This Monday did go a little longer because the first 20mins of sd6 and DH talking, they had to keep hanging up and calling each other back because sd6 couldn't hear him. Then when the connection was good, they were talking fine. DH knows that Monday calls are suppose to be shorter than the other days. He kept saying to sd6 that she needed to go, but she didn't want to. She just wanted to stay with DH a little longer. But I don't think that they should blame DH for sd6 not finishing her homework, not being able to shower or finish her dinner. We've already adjusted the time from 7pm (sd6 time) to 6:30 pm so sd6 to talk to DH more because she wasn't able to eat her food. But that's not our fault dinner isn't ready. But they use dinner or needing to shower as an excuse to get sd6 off the phone. I think they can't stand knowing she enjoys talking to her dad. Actually, I think it's just BMH. We can tell this email was written by bmh and not BM. And also, this is the first time DH was told anything about girls scouts. They never inform DH about anything before it happens or send pictures. DH finds out through sd6. Oh and they said she is still waking up at night and when she gets better she can have the iPad but then said she's back to her normal schedule, but she still hasn't used the iPad. Idk what they are trying to do.


BethAnne's picture

This. Sd9 in my house has one phone call a week to her BM which lasts an hour. (Personally I think she should have 2 shorter calls, but neither sd nor BM have asked for more). Unfortunately my husband has to be the one to tell them to finish the call as BM seems incapable of looking at a clock or being in any way responsible. The call is still pretty disruptive, we have to make sure she is ready to talk in time and then her mother usually is late and cannot finish up the call without being reminded. The call is already scheduled too late so sd ends up going to bed too late on the night she talks to her mom. Her mom forgets that even if they finish talking at 9pm and sd is already in her pajamas and has her teeth done, it can still take 15 to 20 mins to get sd into bed and settled down ready to sleep. Then it is pretty much an hour past her bed time, with school the next day.

Op, your husband is being paranoid if he thinks that bm is being unreasonable. Her email sounds perfectly reasonable to me. School nights do not leave much room for exta, unplanned for activities. Talking for an extra 40 mins can easily throw off an evening. It is your husband's responsibility to keep an eye on the clock and stick to the agreed upon length.

DaizyDuke's picture

This I-m so happy
I have a just turned 7 year old and can't imagine what we would talk about for an HOUR on the phone... unless maybe I hadn't talked to him in like a month. And yes, by the time I get home from work, go through his backpack, do homework, get lunch ready for tomorrow, dinner ready for tonight, etc before I know it, it's 7:00 and time for a bath and PJ's. I can't imagine giving up an hour and expecting to get everything done!

Sure SD wants to drag it out and talk to DH.. she's 6, she's not an idiot. The longer she talks to DH, the longer she can get out of doing homework, taking a bath etc. I'd be pissed if I were BM

Acratopotes's picture

BM's house and BM's rules, you and DH have no say in what BM does in her house...

The whole idea of the Ipad was for better communication, the Ipad is not being used for that, DH should simply demand it to be shipped back to him immediately, They are keeping the Ipad for them selves...... thus the story if SD is good.... poster where right about this...

DH needs to be more of a parent, if SD says a little bit longer DAddyyyy he can say, Hon you have to get ready for school, I will call you tomorrow again, now good night and listen to mom... luv ya and then simply hang up the phone...

SD is learning how to manipulate her Daddy and he's teaching her to go this way

twoviewpoints's picture

I'd rather have one 10-15min calls several times a school night week with perhaps a 30min call (or two) on Friday and Saturday . Consistent and regular contact keeps the child/parent in touch and up to date rather than being an intrusive burden on the opposite household.

I can't say as an adult I'd yak 60mins in a phone call, let alone at age six. ar

I realize Dad and daughter are adjusting from a whole six months together to their new schedule of much less (I've wondered all alone how this would actually work when implementation arrived vs just words in the CO). Sure he misses SD like crazy and she him, but this has been the agreement all along. His daughter has to learn things changed when she entered school and that she has a steady homelife schedule to met. School, activities, homework, daily routine. I'm sure your DH doesn't want to deny his daughter doing the normal childhood activities that school age children do and enjoy to just sit on the phone. He will want the child to be well rounded, develop friends , do well in school, learn proper eating/hygiene/sleeping habits.

And frankly, if she was just given a dog, her daily routine should also include now taking care and giving attention to her responsibilities as a pet owner. Feeding dog, short supervised exercise and potty trips. It adds just one more adjustment to her already crowding busy evenings.

Rags's picture

I am not a proponent of daily calls between SKids and a non present parent. IMHO this is a prime tool for manipulation and interference in the other parent's time with the kid.

We never struggled with this because my SS's SPermClan gave crap for all about calling him. Never once in ~17 years did they call to talk to him. Their rare calls were to my DW to arrange visitation flights but never did they call the SKid.

We made sure to call him once a week when he was in SpermLand on SpermClan visitation but we limited it to one call a week for about 15mins. Our intent was only to check in with SS and not to interfere in his SpermClan time.

I would suggest that your DH set up a specific time to call no more than two days per week. This takes a lot of control out of the hands of BM and her DH and minimizes the interference your DH causes in BM's home. If this goes to court under the current circumstances BM could make a pretty good case that your DH is interfering in her time with her kids and the family they are part of in her home.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

Before she lost all rights, BM got 5 minutes a night to talk to SD10. The judge told her that anything more would be excessive and disrupt SD10's routine. We used to give them closer to 10 minutes. It was never enough for BM. Then she started demanding 15 minutes. She would tell SD10 to cry and ask for more time. At that point, DH cut it back to 5 minutes. I can't imagine an hour long call. That is extremely disruptive and its making it harder for this child to adjust to the custody arrangement.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Yep, fruity is on it again, the kid has figured out how to manipulate the situation, regardless if it is intentional or unintentional this is on DH, he knows the rules and should respect the timeline that BM outlined. He also needs to understand that she does need to eat, do schoolwork or anything else they may have planned for her that doesn't involve him or for that matter need to be explained to him.

MrsZipper's picture

Returned to DH? That will work out great for him!

"I'm sorry sweetie your dad told me he wanted me to send your Ipad back to him so unfortunately you can't FaceTime with him anymore."

Acratopotes's picture

}:) }:) SD will ask what Ipad mummy...... cause she's not allowed to use it to face time Dad, she's still on the old computer...

but you have a point... never thought of that