So tired of manipulative, tattletale SS
I’m so, so tired of my manipulative tattletale SS. I was hopeful that because he was going to counseling that he would learn that as a teen, he needs to stop trying to manipulate DH by crying to BM about everything, but no, after counseling didn’t lead to the counselor telling everyone that SS should stop seeing DH, BM stopped taking him.
Last night, SSs were both outside playing football. Something happens and one SS runs inside. Tattletale SS throws the football into the house after him then runs in and hits his brother in the face. DH yells at him and he runs upstairs. He texts (or calls?) BM to say that he’s hiding in the closet because “he’s scared”. And drama ensues. I’ll again reiterate, he’s a teen, not a preschooler.
At this point, DH has told him that if he really doesn’t want to come to our home, he doesn’t have to...really wish he’d take DH up on that offer!
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Don't feel bad...when my
Don't feel bad...when my formerSO's kid would do something and his dad would "talk to him" about it (never any actual disapline, just talking), the kid would go call his grandmother (formerSO's mom). Of course she would get in her damn car and come flying over (lived only minutes away). She would raise holy hell with formerSO (tried with me) about it. You know, if we didn't want to "love him like he needs to be loved", that she would take him.
Ah yes, MIL has told me that
Ah yes, MIL has told me that SSs don’t want to come over because we don’t entertain them enough. Then she gave me a list of places we should take them to.
She has also conferred with BM and decided I was the problem.
Sometimes, it’s easy to see why my DH thought BM was normal.
Places to take them to ???
No , No and No. going any place until they get into line.
OMG, my SS did the same thing
OMG, my SS did the same thing once, straight down to telling BM he was hiding in his closet (he wasn't - his closet had no door) after DH yelled at him for lying about his homework. BM came over and tried to force her way in the house, and DH pushed her out and slammed the door. She called the police and said he had "assaulted" her, but the cops threatened to arrest her for trying to get into the house. SS asked to go with her because if he didn't she would "text him all night long" and we didn't see him again for over a month.
It's never going to stop as long as BM feeds him stuff about how awful DH is and rescues and rewards him for this behavior. My SS did not like the drama that day and so never did anything quite that bad again, but there was still a lot of whining about how mean DH was for you know, having rules.
It's all part of the fun of parental alienation. So glad those days are gone. Of course, DH's relationship with SS will never be what he hopes it will be thanks to BM, but at least we don't have to deal with that crap.
The BM in my case knows that
The BM in my case knows that she would get herself into trouble if she came to our house during visitation, so, so far her only interference is to send DH a bunch of angry texts threatening to come over. If she made a big noisy scene, I don’t think this SS would stop because he contacts her because he likes big noisy scenes.
At the last mediation - which was the usual sh$t show and which the only thing BM is abiding by is getting more CS from DH - DH tried to limit BM’s contact with SSs on his weekends, but she flat our refused, saying it was her right to contact her children 24/7. DH didn’t let them bring their phones for a couple of visitation weekends and it was so much calmer in our home. DH had the children call BM on both days (and really they are teens, so it’s not as if they “need to talk to mummy” when they are living at her house the other 26 days of the month). DH’s lawyer was terrible and BM had a meltdown and refused to limit contact at all (not to mention that one of BM’s issues to mediate was that DH not communicate with her through the children when we hear all weekend “mom says...” with some do this, do that request). DH’s lawyer was crap, so she didn’t push this and I’ve since learned - after two terrible mediations - that mediations are not about fairness, they are about acccomodating the loudest voice and trying to strong arm the more passive participant into agreeing with that voice.
The true irony is that she only contacts this one SS while they are with us. She ignores the other one. It’s all about enmeshment and both TT SS and BM’s need to reinforce one another’s need for a big histrionic reaction and talk about how terrible DH is. I think everyone at some point when they are a child or teen thinks “I hate my mom” or “I hate my dad” due to some perceived slight or due to getting in trouble or being told no. In my case, SS’s other parent reinforces all of these feelings for him.
Yesterday, after all the drama, SS left his phone at our house during his football game. I was home so I looked at it. Every time he complains about DH, BM escalates it and sends the subtle idea that DH is a bad person. I also saw, however, that SS and BM fight a lot, too. There were angry texts from BM accusing SS of ignoring her, texts from her apologizing to him about things saying she was “just being sensitive” or “just having a bad day.” Then there was also a text exchange between her and SS talking about how she was arguing with her DH in front of them. So much drama...so little time that I want to give to it.
Your SS's relationship sounds
Your SS's relationship sounds just like my SS's with BM. So enmeshed and yet they are in conflict quite a bit. She elevated him to her partner and expects him to take care of her needs. He used to text her all weekend as well (some weekends, I assume when she needed it) and complain about DH doing such awful things as requiring him to clean his room (which he rarely required).
He's still enmeshed with her at 19 and he has no idea. He used to complain to us about fighting with her all the time, but he can't break loose, she's got such a hold on him. He stopped coming over at 15 for 3 years after DH took him back to BM's early because he was texting her about how awful everything was. Enough was enough.
Norman
Bates?
Exactly! I was listening to a
Exactly! I was listening to a book about serial murderers written by an FBI profiler and he said many of them grew up with domineering mothers who insisted on controlling everything in their lives.
And yet, when both of our SSs
And yet, when both of our SSs are full fledged adults, they will find women exactly like their BMs and wonder a) why there is so much conflict between their wife and their mother and b) why they are so miserable.
Mine already has begun that.
Mine already has begun that. He was dating a girl who filed charges against him when he broke up with her, and then turned around and offered to pay him to come back to her. He doesn't connect the dots yet. He did have the good sense to stay away from her.
He used to ask us why BM hated his older half-brother's wife so much when he was younger ... he'll find out.
Don't pander to it, sounds like you're not
Ss 10 has had a phone against our wishes for over 3 years. As soon as he doesn't like being disciplined he's furiously texting (or face timing bm, the face timing we banned) we used to get furious messages from her regarding his take on, this or that, amongst everything else. So we blocked her. The only contact now is via email and that's strictly about timings for contact. Anything else the answer is the same, put it to a solicitor or if its sooo bad, he doesn't have to come. Lo and behold she stopped and Ss stopped discussing us. It really works. I mean back when I gave a s I used to be so hurt, I'd cook a healthy roast and I'd be acussed of always feeding him pizza, from the bm who let's him eat McDonald's 3 times a week? The best way is to limit contact, disengage and if he actually stopped coming? Winner
I don’t pander to it, which
I don’t pander to it, which lead SS to complain that I was “too strict” because it’s not constant entertainment anymore. I don’t care if SS doesn’t like me, I won’t go bankrupt to make him feel special.
On the ride home this weekend, SS had a massive meltdown that we weren’t getting him a ski season pass this year. He told DH, “you just don’t want to spend money on me!!” Last year he had a meltdown that we got him a season pass for Christmas and not “something off my list!!!” Also, he kept saying he didn’t want to go, so we didn’t even get our money’s worth from the pass. That and BM spent the entire year saying that SS didn’t even like skiing, all because she didn’t want DH to try to get her to pay for skiing because it’s a sporting expense.
Really, he’s just miserable to be around now. I would rather he sit around and drive BM crazy than come to bother us.
You must understand. Your real problem is your DH
He is allowing his DS to be disrespectful to you. He does not parent his kid and close down the drama. Until you can get your DH to actually parent, being a father to his son . Not his friend. Not his buddy, you have no chance to change anything.
So you have to live that way or leave to greener place with less drama
Partly true
Part of this is a DH problem. Up until he met me, he had no boundaries with BM or his family, leaving them all feeling entitled to tell him how terrible he was and convince him that he didn’t deserve to be a father.
He now has some boundaries, but he’s not good at maintaining them.
He does, however, call SS on his drama and disrespect a lot. He lost the battle to keep BM from having constant contact within SS while he is with us. She refused to budge and he should have walked out of the mediation, but he didn’t. Also, BM has totally alienated SS from DH, so he doesn’t see him as a parent. So even when DH tells SS to knock it off or even more directly to stop causing drama with BM, SS doesn’t listen, because he doesn’t have to. He knows that his mother will raise holy hell to keep her ability to meddle. And even though BM claims that SS doesn’t really want to come to our house, she keeps bringing him. It’s a game for her. Also, she fights a lot with SS, too, so for her she likes the allegiance she and SS have when he is with DH. It feeds her own psychological need and she’ll fight tooth and nail to keep that. She’s only “protecting her child” after all, just what any “good mother” would do, after all...