BM’s pleas for “kindness”

In the last two weeks alone, BM has sent DH messages telling him he’s the most immature and selfish person she ever met, telling him that she has to communicate with him through the children because he doesn’t want to hear from her, then telling him how he makes the children upset with his responses. She also continues to text and call SSs constantly when they are with us, asking if they are okay. Commiserating on how terrible we are (in particular, how terrible it was that DH yelled at one SS after he hit the other SS in the face in front of DH). She also recently told DH...again...that she has no plans of following the agreement from their mediation and has already started crying about DH “robbing” her family of Christmas in 2020.

Throughout all this, DH’s only responses to her have been single sentences clarifying plans. He has avoided getting pulled in to her emotional undertow.

Yesterday, he gets another long missive from her about how it “hurts” their children so much that they (and me and her DH, who is a total non-entity) are not friends. She also vows to focus on “kindness” going forward and pleads with DH (and me, yes, I’m mentioned by name) to do the same. Ok, lady, you first.

Also, why can’t we start with peaceful co-existence? We don’t talk about her when SSs are around, why doesn’t she start not talking about us at her home. She could also start letting them enjoy their time with DH without her inteference and not grilling them about every weekend when they go back to her house. And she could stop telling them how much DH “hates her”, which she has told not only SSs, but also DH’s family. How about that for a start? Too much to hope for? I know the answer is yes from BM. I asked DH last night, “what does she want from you? You aren’t rude to her and we don’t talk about her with your kids. Does she want us to be double dating?”

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IMHO, having had dealings

IMHO, having had dealings with NPD BM these 17 long years - that your BM has only sent this message in order to create more contact, more drama, more conflict. I suggest your DH should carry on ignoring.

She wants to remain relevant

She wants to remain relevant in his life. With his one sentence, non-descript replies, he's not playing ball. The less he involves himself, the more she is losing at her own game...and we all know GUBM's hate losing.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Your DH is doing the right thing.

Yep, what the others said.

Yep, what the others said. Your BM sounds legit Borderline though, with her ups and downs and I hate you/I want to be your friend stuff. Very unstable.

Your H is doing right by

Your H is doing right by continuing to IGNORE her nonsense. She's throwing crumbs, reaching to see if he bites and he doesn't, so she tries everything under the sun to get a reaction from him.

His silence speaks very LOUDLY, she just can't get over the fact that she's no longer a factor in his life. Hopefully...sooner rather than later she'll stop or lessen the bullsh!t.

You aren’t rude to her and we

You aren’t rude to her and we don’t talk about her with your kids

Sounds like kindness, to me. Or, at least, as much as she deserves. I'd say you guys are right on track!

Thanks everyone

Yes, BM definitely has "borderline tendencies" according to several counselors whom DH and I have seen, both individually and together.

I just spoke about an incident with my counselor this week. DH wanted to keep SSs on Thursday night after Thanksgiving. He sent a two sentence email to BM proposing that SSs stay with us overnight and he would bring them back to her house by 2pm on Friday. He made the mistake of using his second sentence to explain why (that we were going to his family Thanksgiving on Thursday evening and that he wanted to take one SS to get ski boots on Friday). BM responded with a long message about how one SS didn't want to stay overnight with us and why didn't DH get the ski boots earlier. She said the other one wanted to stay with us until 5pm on Friday. DH replied and said, "I will bring them both home Thursday night." This was followed by four emails from BM about how she couldn't believe DH didn't want to keep the other SS until Friday, followed by two desperate requests for DH to tell her what to say to that one child about not being able to stay on Thursday night (this child is a teen, he is not going to cry), followed by another email about how she wished DH had provided a valid reason for not wanting to bring one kid home on Thursday and the other one home on Friday. DH ignored all of those emails. Three days later, BM emails to say that the other SS had now decided he would like to stay on Thursday night, so would DH still like to keep both of them until 2pm? DH replied, "I will bring them both to your home by 2pm." Then when they were with us, BM texted and called both boys all morning to make sure they were going to be home by 2pm. My counselor's observation - he ignored all the histrionic demands for attention and then several days later she sent a rational response.

All of these emails happened last week...and then this week, BM sends an email about why can't we all be kind to one another?! This woman completely lacks self-awareness. She's just a ball of raw, emotional need.

This kind of thing is why you

This kind of thing is why you never request changes to the schedule.

I agree...I will push DH to

I agree...I will push DH to not request any additional changes. His family will just have to kick rocks if they plan things on non-Skid weekends.

My approach to BM is to limit contact as much as possible.

Once the schedule is set

You should Never change it. Not got you or BM. If you asked for inch she wants a mile back. You can start using My family wizard program to for all back and forth with BM. Once on it it there for life. Can not be change

They use Our Family Wizard

They use Our Family Wizard now. He requested it at their first mediation and BM refused to consider it. At their second mediation, her lawyer suggested it and his lawyer pointed out that he asked for it previously, so now they use that. All of her crazy emails are on Our Family Wizard.