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To the "exes" part of my blog...

StickAFork's picture

It's looking like XH has killed himself.
I'm not sure if I'm upset about that or happy... that's brutal honesty.

It's not the first time he's threatened it, but he's fallen off the grid since posting for the world on FB. No, I'm not his "friend," and no, I don't check his page. BM called me asking if I'd heard anything as BIL had contacted her. (Not sure why, they've been divorced 20 years.)

XH is an asshole, so the world has not lost a great man if this is true. He was abusive in our marriage, and threatened to kill me. (That officially ended our marriage.) He fought me tooth and nail during our divorce over everything. If I agreed to something, he wanted more.

He had the kids for dinner two nights a week and EOW. After less than a year, he left. Took off to another state and had NO contact with our children for nearly two years. I finalized our divorce alone and removed all custody/visitation for him I have full everything. Wink Two years later, he returns, begging me for another chance with our kids. I was remarried by then, but he wanted US to get back together, too. WTF ever. I encouraged our children to work on and repair their relationships with their father. I allowed him to see them one day each weekend and only the kids who wanted to would go see him. At first, they all did, but the same complaints started...he was angry and violent, he ignored them, etc. About five months in, he stopped all contact with them. Again. He also left the state again at some point. He owes $100K+ in CS.

He has posted a "goodbye message" on FB. He left out the child he adopted. If he isn't dead, I may kill him myself.


princessandthepee's picture

Jesus, StickAFork,
I'm sorry.

Whether he is alive or not, it sounds like a beyond difficult situation. Either way, he's incredibly manipulative and a plain old asshole.

StickAFork's picture

The worst part? My kids went through a period of blaming themselves for his absence and shortcomings. They thought "if they had been better" then he wouldn't have left.
They've worried that they aren't lovable, or he wouldn't have left.
I've always thought that if their father wasn't around because he COULDN'T be around, that it would be better than because he CHOSE not to be around, kwim?
Now I worry that they will think they somehow caused this. Sad
He's always been loosely wrapped, and our divorce really pushed him over the edge. He hasn't worked since (it's been almost 6 years) and last I saw him, he looked like hell. Always smoked like a chimney, dirty, unshaven, teeth looking nasty... just...UGH. To the point where I wondered if he was on meth or something.
He lived in someone's travel trailer for a year, then in a garage, then hooked up with a woman he met online. Now? I have no idea.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Kids blaming themselves for a parent who doesn't get his life organised. Sad so sad.Hope they will understand that his failure has absolutely nothing to do with them.

oldone's picture

That kind seldom do the world a favor by leaving it.

But SAF I know what you mean about not knowing to be sad or happy. When DH's older son (about 35) died I felt the same way. I never met him and so he had not affected my life. But he truly was a sociopath. He was an active gang member and even his parents concede that he was at the very least an accomplice to murder if not always the trigger man.

I think it is always a tragic loss for a parent to lose a child no matter how horrid the child. But to be brutally honest the world is a better place without this jerk in it. When I think of the deaths he abetted it's hard to mourn his loss.

Many people are able to see a grain of goodness in everyone. Unfortunately sometimes I find that little bit of goodness impossible to see in the face of true evil.

Onefootout's picture

I'm so sorry this is stressful no matter how awful he is. I hope you find out soon what happened for certain. I bet he's caused so many people distress with this goodbye message. Unfortunately that's what they do, such destructive people.

godess-clueless's picture

SAF---Sorry that you are going through this . Sounds like the ex has been the cause of much destruction in many lives. I have to agree with oldone that sometimes the world is a better place without such jerks in it. Hugs to you and your children. Many of us will have you in their prayers today.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

SAF, Sorry to hear about this. This will be difficult for all of you. Be there and love them, that is really all you can do. Take care.

StickAFork's picture

Does anyone have any idea how I would even begin to confirm/deny his death?
He still hasn't resurfaced, but I wouldn't even know where to begin Sad

Onefootout's picture

I really don't know SAF, other than filing a missing persons report with the police. This of course would not necessarily get you the answers you need. Maybe the police department might have some other ideas. Or maybe people at a suicide hotline might be able to give you some suggestions. This is a really tough one.

misSTEP's picture

I would get an initial free consultation with a lawyer to see how you would go about having someone declared dead. I'm sure the first thing you would have to do is file a missing person's report.

nothinforya's picture

In a death like that (unexpected, not natural causes), the medical examiner in your state would probably have to be involved to investigate, and an autopsy would probably be ordered. A death certificate would be issued, which you would need for SS or insurance claims. Death certificates are a matter of public record, and there is most likely an easy way to access them in your state.

Maybe you can encourage the children to have compassion for his illness, which was as real as cancer. He didn't choose to leave them; he was very, very sick. This has the benefit of being true.