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Does anyone else have problems with guilty daddy ignoring mutual children in favor of his skids?

SteppingUp's picture

My DH and I had our only child together 3 years ago now. We have EOW schedule with skids (6 & 9). I feel like every 6 months or so I well up with anger at my husband because he doesn't do anything for BS3 or spend ANY time with him. He works a lot so I totally understand that when he gets home he wants to relax. But if we go to the park, dad plays with skids, not BS (unless they're all playing the same thing of course). At home, DH won't do anything to help BS out like pick out clothes or help with shoes, get a glass of water when he asks...unless I ASK him to do it. And then he wonders why when BS is hurt he will only come to me!! DH will take skids with him to the store but acts like it's a chore to take BS (mind you, he is actually the BEST kid to take shopping...he gets compliments from strangers all the time for how good he is!). This weekend DH took SS6 out with him about 4 times to go golfing/the shooting range etc. he never, ever takes BS anywhere with him to do anything special with JUST him, even though we have him all by himself with no skids every other week!

I am irked right now bc I had to do a quick run to the grocery store, just as BS was getting ready to nap. DH said to BS (bc he started to cry while I was leaving) that he would lay with him and they could snuggle and fall asleep. BS said ok... So I was surprised DH offered that but also happy for BS to get some snuggle time in with daddy. I was gone 15 min and get home and DH is in our basement with Ss6 playing video games with BS laying by himself (awake watching tv) upstairs. Grrrr.

I just feel bad for BS that he will grow up to think his dad loves SS better or something. :(. They are not close at all. Every time I bring this up to DH (like I said, every 6 months or so) he gives me excuses like "well he doesn't ever WANT to go anywhere with me of you are here," or "well a 3 year old can't golf..." Or "he is just so young there isn't much we can do together". I tell him HE WOULD LOVE to just play in his room with you!!! Take him to the park by yourself! Etc... All the things I do with him whole DH is at work!

Anyway...when I bring this up, things change for a couple weeks but then they go back. any thoughts on what I can do to help this "stick"??


SteppingUp's picture

No - he isn't. We actually don't have sd9 on weekends (just neglected to explain that). We only have her sun-weds EOW. So every night DH has off or doesn't work is when we don't have her anyway and all this time to do stuff with kids happens!

oneoffour's picture

Why not make him take care of BS3? Tell him you need to run an errand and leave DH watching his son. Leave for about 2 hrs (don't take your cell). See, with you there all the time of course your son will want you. He is a baby and doesn't understand the whole 'Daddy working away from home and Mommy takes care of me." He sees Daddy leaving and coming back later and Mommy is at home all day. So who will he trust and want? Mommy of course. You are the one constant in his life.

Now if DH is going to the shooting or golf range it would not be sensible to take a 3 yr old would it? Or is your complaint that he wants to do things a 3 yr old can't?

And maybe DH is thinking "I can see BS3 every day. S6 is only here once a week." And although you see it easier taking BS3 shopping DH may not feel so confident with a younger child.

So throw him in the deep end. Leave him with his son /your son alone. By you being there all the time DH doesn't have to take care of his son does he?

DaizyDuke's picture

Hey girl! Haven't seen you around in forever! I had the same exact problem with my DH. I used to get sooo frustrated because DH would run off to a skid game or take skids skiing, or just out and about and NEVER did anything with our BS4. He would always use the same excuse, that it was just too hard with a little one, (which I do agree with) but it was still frustrating. I tended to cut my DH a bit more slack though because he is daddy day care 4 days a week, so I can understand that on the weekends and evenings when I am home from work, that DH wants to do stuff on his own or stuff with skids. But now that SS15 is super PASd and pretty much non existent and SD16 is, well, 16.. she's barely ever home, so it doesn't seem so lopsided any more. you're skids are young though, so that's a bummer.

Hang in there though, because I can tell you that things HAVE gotten better. BS is 4.5 now and DH actually took him turkey hunting this year (just the two of them), he bought him his own cute little camo outfit and everything. They actually went 2 different times and BS4 was in his glory! DH bought him a fishing pole and just the two of them have gone fishing a couple of times, and a couple of weeks ago, I had JUST gotten home from work and DH said he was going to the store and a couple of other places and BS4 actually asked to go with him and this NEVER happens, because again, BS4 is with DH all day so when I get home, BS4 wants to be with me. But DH said sure and they went off on their little adventure.

Maybe when your BS gets just a bit older, things will start to change. I really think it's just an age thing. My DH flat out told me that he was not into the whole infant, baby, toddler stage and I was cool with that. I told him I am not into the annoying tween, teen stage so BS4 will be all his come that time! Wink

P.S. How is skanky BM? Has she gotten married, knocked up, made some sex tapes, or something BMish??? Or is she still just the neighborhood barfly?

the good the bad the's picture

Hi SteppingUp...

You and I are in the same boat actually...funny our "mutual" BS is almost the same age as yours and our SS is also 6. My SO does the same exact thing. And this the bulk of our problems and the reason for me joining StepTalk to begin with. (I've been having issues posting so I don't have many posts/ I hope this works).

He has obvious favoritism towards SS6. Treats him like he's a baby. Remembering back when SS was 2 or 3 was totally babied and he did everything for him without a single complaint. SS would cry (and mind you, he still does), and SO would literally jump every time to console him, carry him, give him whatever he wants. BS2 will cry for something (we don't quite understand all his babble yet, he doesn't speak very clearly) and SO will sigh at him "whaaat?" before waiting like 5 minutes before he even responds to him. SO raises his voice at BS when he's being a TWO YEAR OLD, whining, being curios and into everything, meanwhile in the same breath asks SS6, as if he's asking him for a huge favor in a pathetic baby voice, for example "hey buddy, can you not do that, ok? I don't want you to do that cuz your brother might do that"...meaning its WRONG, right? like running all over the couch, throwing balls in the house..."oh thanks buddy your a good boy". And the idiot never will mention, yeah don't do that cuz YOU'RE not supposed to.

Like your situation, when I bring it up, things get better for a couple months and then SO is right back to being a complete idiot.

This weekend for example, SS6 who just started sleeping in his own room woke up in the middle of the night came into our room crying and woke us all up. SO must have jumped about 10 feet in the air and scooped him right up. "what's wrong baby? What's wrong? you have a bad dream? Its ok...daddy will lay down with you ok?" Now ask me how many times he has waken up for our BS when he wakes up crying? Maybe TWICE since he was born, and are surprised if I tell you that when he did, SO just sighed, patted him and fell back to sleep before BS did.

He's an idiot...I'm trying to work with him but he's getting on my last nerve.
How can someone not treat their own kids with the same level of love, concern, and patience.