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would it be wrong to involve skid in a little social 'experiment'

SisterNeko's picture

Sunday I let SS8 snuggle with me, I usually don't but I wanted to see what would happen. He LOVED it. In fact he ran and told MIL that we cuddled and I am sure he told BM after we switched custody.

IMO SS8 is too old to be snuggling but BM baby's him so much and he absolutely craves his mother's attention but rarely gets it. With EOW custody I am kind of a surrogate for him on our weeks. He just follows me around and pretty much ignores DH, who does try to snuggle him and spend time with him.

My theory and DH agrees is that when SS6 was born he had issues and BM refused to let anyone hold him but her so SS8 was cast aside and BM still favors SS6 so SS8 is still trying to get his mother back after all these years. When we drop skids off BM picks up SS6 and hugs him then pats SS8 on the head like a puppy. He craves her attention because he doesn't get it but sees SS6 get it. He even told his therapist that SS6 is loved more than him. DH had a talk with him about that and all his examples of SS6 getting special treatment were from BM's house.

My thoughts now is that if I were to show SS8 more 'motherly' love the next time he is here would his issues/behavior improve? He is being tested next week for anxiety, attention, sleep and panic issues by a psychologist. Which him being in the same room as BM i hope the psychologist notices something between them or SS8 says something in the one on one session. If I did would I easily become his favorite? If he tells BM what I did would she start to spend more time with him (doubt it)? Or I should I go back to my old way of no snuggling and just leave it alone? It's not that I want to replace her but I want SS8 to be happy.

Comments

SisterNeko's picture

My family was never the kisses and hugs kind the of family. We do love each other but it's more distant. So I think it's not something that I am used to, now that being said do snuggle and all that with DH and my 3 cats. It may also be harder with ss8 or more forced at least in the beginning because he looks, acts and at times sounds like BM, whom I hate. DH has even admitted to struggling with that as well.

I do love and feel bad for him. I just have a hard time showing it. Plus when I do snuggle him he tends to touch me in places he shouldn't or stick his feet places he shouldn't. That makes me uncomfortable at times too.

VioletsareBlue's picture

I don't think that 8 is too old to cuddle. This poor kid. I think you should do what you feel comfortable with and have clear boundries with the skid.

Kilgore SMom's picture

There's a book called 5 Languages of Love. In the book one of the languages is affection and that's how the person knows he or she is love. Both my DH and SS are in the affection. Mine is in service. Which means that I show my love by doing things for people and DH and SS show their love by hugs and kisses, cuddling. I think its good to know where each person fall because then you are able to give them what they need. Don't start something you may not be able to follow through with. That may hurt SS worst. To have you stop, then he's rejected again. I hate favoritism it really hurts kids.

sandy1234's picture

Love on that poor boy! Every child deserves to get motherly and fatherly affection, even if the Bio is not willing to give it. SS8 is how he is, so only you guys know him, but IMO, this child does not deserve to feel/be further rejected by anyone. If he is reaching out to you, give him what he needs. If someone gets mad, WHO CARES. Just keep on, even if BM starts a bit of PAS because of it. The kids will see the wrong when they are older-your SS8 is just about there.