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How important is stability?

SisterNeko's picture

this is what I am pondering today.  I haven’t posted in awhile, just come to accept that BM is nuts but Ss13 and Ss11 still love her and need her.  But it did come to me today that DH and I are clearly the stable house house and the kids rock/safe place, yet they still want/desire to be with her.

here is her track record in the 8 years DH and I have been together:

She is on her 2nd husband.

They just moved for the 3rd time.

They are on their 6th Dog, just 1 dog in the house now but they have had a total of 6 in 8 years with no more than 3 that over lapped. And Catless after 2 or 3 cats. 

She had changed jobs 3 times (once within the same company).

They are on their 3rd or 4th vehicle.  (We have changed trucks a lot too)

I am not saying things don’t change at our house.  But we are in the same house DH shared with BM, hoping to move but not finding a place we like. I am DH’s only serious relationship after BM, currently happily married with a Son (BS2.5)and expecting a Daughter soon. My 21 year old cat passed away 3 years ago, which we ‘replaced’ with a kitten who is now 5 (got him when the old guy got sick) and we have an 11 year old Cat from before we met who is still with us. DH has the same job, I quit working to be at home with the Skids (and now Bios) almost 6 years ago.  I do odd jobs from home.  

Not bragging by any means just seems like a lot of change for her and the kids.

Comments

Thumper's picture

Our home was and still IS,  drug free, drunken free, smoke free, abuse free,   child friendly, punctual and appropriate schedules and rules.

Did it matter....nope.

Ask a crack head and or a runner bm if stability matters in family court and chances are good she has her kids. And she will tell you your too strict and need to be more flexiable and care free.....(EYEBALL ROLL)

Do I believe schedules and stability matter in a kids life. ABSOLUTLY it does. Do schools have stability, structure and things kids count on day in and day out? YES they do.

If it lacks in structure all hell breaks loose....

Our bm moved a lot also. But hey she is a hero. I guess all she has done IS what heros do..............what ever. Jail is not for heros

 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

BM ditched a year ago, pops in unexpectedly. In the last 1.5 years has:

  • Introduced the girls to no fewer than 4(?) "special friends" all while dating her druggie
  • Has roughly 30 cats with the bf
  • Has lived with four males
  • Moved 4 times now
  • Been through 3 cars, repossesions, seized engines (apparently cars need oil... shocker...), and the most recent is her brother's
  • Had another kid, while ditching the skids
  • Drugs, and alcohol involved

While your skids may not have the perfect home, I don't think what you're describing is super unstable. I do believe stability for kids is important. But that feeling loved and having their needs met goes beyond that.

Our BM has emotionally abused, neglected, abandoned, etc. when it comes to the skids. They still love her (I think, I haven't heard anything about her in ages... Except SD5 trying to and failing to use it to manipulate, IE: "my other mom lets me stomp around the house and throw things"). Every kid wants mommy to love them. It's nothing personal, it's just a desire they have. I went through things as a kid, during everything my only goal was that I wanted to be able to finally make my parents feel proud of me. It's a real thing.

Areyou's picture

My parents moved almost every two years for work because their company kept moving them to different regions to supervise different units. They are engineers. I turned out fine and have my own PhD. Over the last few years, I ended up moving every few years due to job relocations (professor and research associate) and DD seems to be adjusting well with straight As and extracurricular activities, makes friends easily, has positive self esteem and is polite. However stability is important when the child is young and they don’t have the cognitive ability to differentiate. Stability helps them develop trust which is good for their development and attachment.

Maxwell09's picture

Stability, or her lack thereof, along with getting caught lieing under oath in front of the judge is why gave my DH custodial. 

hereiam's picture

Oh Lord, I can't even count how many times BM moved when SD was a minor. She was (still is) always getting evicted and has had to move back in with her mom and step dad more time than I can count. And she is on her 6th husband. SD (now, 27) has even asked her why she has been with so many men, when DH has been with only me since their divorce.

Jobs? Can't even count. That is, when she feels like working.

Some people just like to live like that.

TwoOfUs's picture

We've felt this way about our skids. Their mom is a chaotic person. Always selling off stuff because she's terrible with finances. Let the house that she got in the divorce go into foreclosure...even though we were paying CS that was more than enough to cover the mortgage and she has a decent job in a low cost of living state and gets lots of additional help from us and DH's parents. Gets in wrecks a lot, doesn't take care of her things...on her 4th car in the 8 years that DH and I have been married, while we share a car and are on our second in that same time period. The car(s) we traded in to buy this one for cash were both over 10 years old when we decided to upgrade. She goes lease to lease and then wrecks and trashes the cars. 

I could go on and on. We talked about this a lot early on. Are the kids just going to grow up feeling hopeless and unable to do anything because their (nice, fine...but totally basket-case) mother surrounds herself with chaos? 

But, so far, they're mostly turning out OK.