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Frustrated with DH and BM

Stepmotherblues's picture

Good afternoon all. Just needing some advice and maybe a little sanity...I am 45 years old with  2 grown children (23 and 21) from a previous marriage, 2 grandchildren (3 and 1), and 3 step-grandchildren (4,3 and 1). My husband as a 5 year old son from a previous relationship. My husband is 10 years younger than me. We have known each other 15 years and we have only been married 1 year, together for 2.  So here is just one of the many issues currently going on in my home. 

My Stepson has a 1/2 brother from his mother. This 1/2 brother is 8 years old. He is an absolute bully, will call my dog over and then kick her in the stomach. He hits his brother 10 times and each time says "I told you it was an accident" then does it again. He has slammed his fingers in dresser drawers, threw him almost through the net on our trampoline, kicked him off his bike, Tripped him on the concrete so he busted his lip, etc. Totally disregards everything I say (I don't have to listen to you). BM says he has to come with the SS or we don't get the SS. I tell my husband this is not right and I am feed up with it. We have no claim to this child and I am tired of him coming over and beating on my dogs and his little brother. I refuse to let him around my 3 year old grandson for fear he will hit or kick him like he does his own brother. My Husband will not tell the BM he doesn't want this other child for fear of not being able to see his son (this happened about 6 months ago) I tell him to grow a pair and man up but my wants are dismissed. This is causing such a problem that i am about to leave. This has been happening for almost 2 years and enough is enough. I remove myself from the home when the 1/2 brother is there and this causes my husband to get mad at me. Well if you want me home get rid of the kid that is not yours or mine. We had an agreement that this child could come over when he and I agreed to it and not every other weekend with his son. I told him he needed 1 on 1 time with his son as he is always pushed aside for this other child because the older boy plays video games and likes to watch movies that the little one cant. I have serious issues with the way my husband parents (or lack there of) his son and then we throw in this disrespectful turd in the mix and i have had enough. Any advice? or suggestions? ANYONE?????  

I honestly feel like my husband would rather piss me off then his BM and im not sure the reason. Oh and let me say she cheated on him during their 3 years together and has continued to cheat on the other men she has been with, to the point where she is now married to a man that she was cheating with (and he was married at the time also)...oh yeah a winner right there let me tell ya. 




Iamwoman's picture

Why are you still married to this guy?

He broke his promise to you of only allowing the unrelated boy there if you agreed.

He spends more time with that boy than his own son.

Kicking the dogs is not just bullying - it is downright abuse. This is called animal abuse, and is a red flag in young children for psychosis.

Your husband sucks as a parent. He sucks as a husband by disrespecting your safety, your pet's  safety, by emotionally abusing you when you exercise your freedom, and by not enforcing respect for you.

So what if you've known him for 15 years? This obviously means nothing to him.

You cannot save his son from his piss poor parenting. You can only save yourself and your pets. Leave.

WarMachine13's picture

What does the CO say? Doubt it says the little psychopath has to come over.

Tell you DUH he can see his son and little psycho at an Airbnb and hope little psycho doesn't kill anybody. Your house is not available for little psycho. 

If your DUH doesn't like it then START WALKING. 

Merry's picture

this causes my husband to get mad at me

That would be a big fat SO WHAT for me. I'd tell my DH that he can be as mad at me as he wants to be, or he can fix the situation. His choice. 

CLove's picture

1. There is no way some little cretin would or should be allowed to bully and abuse your SS or any pets or you, in YOUR household. You know this is the biggest issue. What can you do? Well you could be really harsh and kick DH out and change the locks and serve up the divorce documents.

2. Alternatively you could leave, take the dogs and serve divorce docs and hope for the best with poor SS!

3. You can talk it out with DH, discussing the ways he can protect SS by not allowing the phycho kid at your home, talk to Dh about Custody Orders, and then be blamed and gaslighted, and pushed aside because of DHs fear of the cheater pants BM.

It speaks volumes that you feel like your DH caves to BM and allows her to control not only him but what is allowed in YOUR household. Its really your DH's problem - he bred with trash and thats what you get...garbage.

Why does he do that? I think that you can ruminate on this while you get you and your family and pets away from this situation. Read these boards about why the BM's always seem able to control the bio this point the reason isnt as important as protecting yourself.

Do you really want to have a military style home with cameras and locks and blockages? Living in fear? No. Well you can get your DH to do things like file for custody orders. If he refuses you leave.

Sorry you and your pets are having to live with this little phsycho kid.

tog redux's picture

Take your dog and leave. Or at least rehome the poor thing if you are going to put up with DH being a spineless wimp.  Of course you know, and he knows, that no court will insist he take this kid for the weekend in addition to his own.

I can't imagine one thing that would make me stay with this man.

ndc's picture

Your husband is very confused. He should make his current wife happy, not his ex. He should prioritize his son, not his bully ex-stepson or BM.  You need to help him gain clarity with respect to his priorities in whatever way it takes to get his attention.

Does he have a court order for SS? If so, he should tell BM he only wants his son and file for contempt if she withholds him. If he doesn't, he needs to get one ASAP. 

It's bad enough when skids cause problems and marital strife, don't let an unrelated brat do so.

Stepmotherblues's picture

I have talked till I am tired of it. He has a custody order for his son, that I filed for because I saw this train wreck coming. I really just needed some assurance that I was not being an evil bitch by leaving after 2 years of this crap. My dog stays with me 24/7 when that brat is here. And I did tell him that if he kicked her again I would do the same to him. Although I wouldn't do it he doesnt know

Steptotheright's picture

Let me get this right.....

Half brother of stepson? Has to come over YOUR house?

Not related to SO or you? Only related through the SS?!?

Oh hell no. This should be your Hill to die on. Make or break. Either he puts his foot down to bm over this, or you're gone.


NEM's picture

Hell no he's a step brother he can see him with there Bio mum this should be DH time with his own biological son. DH needs to put his foot down this child is not his responsibility anymore

thinkthrice's picture

PLEASE don't view having a younger man as some sort of ego booster or trophy.   Believe just have another CHILD on your hands.  Cougaring is unbelievably overrated. 

What financial assets does he have?  Let me guess....NONE.  What happens when you get older and he views you as "granny?"  This is aside from his ex's "li'l Jeffrey Dahmer" and his horrific non parenting.

Think an 8 yr old can't do much damage?  Wait two years and google:  Jon Venables.

hereiam's picture

Sweet baby Jesus, tell that man that that kid is not coming over to your home, anymore.

My Husband will not tell the BM he doesn't want this other child for fear of not being able to see his son

Is there a custody order? Does your husband officially have visitation? BM cannot just keep his son from him.

She just wants to use you guys as her babysitter so she has kid free weekends. If he is going to let BM use his son to get her way, you might as well leave because it will never end.

My SD has an older brother that is not DH's. He has NEVER been to my house.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

What. A. Mess. WHY are you allowing this?!? 

I was battered and abused by a violent older sibling, and it caused emotional damage as well. It affected my self worth, and I found it difficult to trust others.

Your H is a spineless, useless, horrible excuse for a father. His son is being abused and victimized ​​​​​​​​​​​​, and he's facilitating it. His son is soon going to lose all faith and trust in his father, because he's learning he cannot count on his father to protect him.

Please, please buy some nanny cams and get this abuse on film. Use some unrelated pretext so your H isn't suspicious, but get them! When you have enough documentation of the physical and animal abuse, sit your H down, make him watch it, and tell him if he doesn't take action, CPS will. Last chance before you involve the authorities.

Hopefully, seeing it on film will galvanize this coward and he'll stop sacrificing his own child in order to appease his ex. 

Pro tip: contact CPS regardless. Both of those boys need help, and both of the parents do, too.