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looking for some perspective with fiance's family

aquamama's picture

I'm not quite sure what to make of this situation and could use some perspective.
History: My fiance and his ex have been divorced for 4 years after 15 years of so-called marriage. She cheated on him constantly and is now married to the last guy she was cheating with. Those 2 had been "together" for 5 years before the divorce. She finally left my fiance when she inherited a large sum of money (she was never one to actually work, you see, so she'd stayed with my fiance for his money, which wasn't a lot but was comfortable enough) and moved herself and their 2 kids (son, 12, and daughter, 17) across the country. They worked out an agreement re:custody just fine, except that she says the kids don't want to see him and she can't make them. He hasn't seen his kids in a year and a half and hasn't even spoken to his son in 8 months ("I can't make him answer the phone!" is her excuse). His daughter calls him when she wants money, and ONLY then. His family is horrid to me. 2 years ago, his daughter told his family that I had called her a slut. Without asking if it was true, they all started throwing me attitude at the family reunion. I finally confronted one of them, who spilled that little fact. It was kind of a shock, considering I don't even use that word. Lately the daughter has been even more bold in her lies and accusations, and I'm sick of it. BM has refused for years to get this girl some treatment, and now that she's almost a legal adult, I'm afraid it may be too late. But I digress. Anyway, my fiance tried and tried to communicate with his ex for the kids' sake, but she wouldn't answer her phone and would send him emails which didn't relate to whatever he'd been asking about. About 6 months ago, she just stopped communicating altogether (it had been sporadic at best anyway). Fiance's family is totally aware of what's gone on and how he feels about everything.
Fast-forward to Thanksgiving. His sisters got together and invited the ex and kids and her husband (yes, the one she'd cheated on fiance with for 5 years) to Thanksgiving at one of the sister's houses. They didn't invite their brother. In fact, they hid it from him. He found out about it that day! Mind you, we went to Thanksgiving at my ex-mother-in-law's house, but my XH and his wife came, too! But I talk to my ex. We all get along because we know it's important for the kids. (My family doesn't talk to my ex, but they have no reason to.)
Anyway, fiance was pretty upset. I was, too. He's an awesome guy and doesn't deserve to be treated with such utter disregard.

Any opinions? Comments? Helpful hints? I've cut them out totally (fiance says I'm really good at burning bridges, but I didn't see a bridge there anyway), but that's his family.

tl;dr version: fiance's sis invited ex to t-giving, not her own brother. help?

hereiam's picture

We have very little to do with my husband's family. Some of them befriended BM (who they claimed to hate) after she had cheated on him their whole marriage, kicked him out 3 times, and falsely accused him of something horrible.

We don't spend holidays with them or birthdays or anything. He talks to them on the phone occasionally (he talks to his brother the most) but we don't see them often. They are just too much drama and cannot be trusted. But my husband had to make that decision himself, I did not facilitate it.

My husband has always been taken advantage of by his sisters and when he finally stood up for himself, they blamed me but I don't care.

My husband prefers being around my family.

aquamama's picture

He stayed for so long because he didn't want his kids to be poor, as she has no marketable skills. Then things would get better, he'd forgive her, blah blah blah. Honestly, I don't really understand it, either. But she wouldn't leave the house, and neither would he.

I never thought about the money thing. Not important to me! Thanks!

Silent River's picture

Sounds like BM has a serious character flaw. I would not be surprised if the kids reluctance to contact / correspond with SO is related to BM indoctrinating them with untruths about SO. Is it possible that BM is the one who lied to SD and came up with "an untruth" about you calling her "the s word"? Also, is it possible the reason SS has no contact with SO is because BM is filling the child with ugly lies about SO to drive a wedge into the relationship?

These thoughts come to mind for me because this is what happened to a friend of mine. Her DH's X was the queen of lies and made driving a wedge between kids and dad a career. She lived on the other end of the state and was able to make the visitation difficult at best, and very infrequent. The kids believed her lies. Pretty sad because the BD was a good guy and my friend really wanted a good relationship with his kids and is a kind and giving lady. Trailer trash BM cheated her kids out of normalcy and sanity. They are now non-functioning adults that know how to skillfully "use the system"...

One more thing...was it legal for BM to move the kids to another state like that? Was that something SO could have taken legal action on?

aquamama's picture

I appreciate your crassness! I posed that very same question to him many years ago. But to be clear, he doesn't think I am wrong for wanting to cut them off. He and I both let them all have it at Thanksgiving. He is passive, but not passive-aggressive. He doesn't have much aggression at all, ever. He's the calmest person I've ever met, including with me (and I certainly have my, um, moments) and my sometimes unruly kids.

Disillusioned's picture

Wow aquamama, your SIL sounds exactly like mine!

My H's sister the exact thing to us on Christmas Eve - we learn the Xmas Eve dinner at FIL`s which is held every year was cancelled for the second year in a row and then learn it's because DH's sister was having Christmas dinner with BM and her SO along with DH's daughter. DH's sister also dragged FIL along to this dinner

It's manipulative and hurtful and I think you are exactly on the right track by completely cutting these people out of your lives. If your DH's family have decided to side with BM and cut him out, well, I say let them

It's a shame DH can't tell his kids in person that if they chose to cut their own father out of their life always remember, this was THEIR choice not his. Clearly the children are being PASed against their father. My mom did the same thing to my siblings and I before and especially after their divorce. Many years later we learned what a cheating, lying person our mother was and that she was in fact at fault for a lot, not our dad.

I sincerely hope one day your skids realize what is truly going on as well Sad

In the meantime, enjoy your life with DH and with the exception of maybe skids, don`t chase after people that treat you this way including blood family Sad