Advice needed: 19 year old Step Son can't move on
Hi - I have a 19 year old step son that dropped out of high school before 18. We allowed him to live with us for 3 months to get his act together, then kicked him out 2 months after turning 18. He wouldn't get his GED or a job. He pushed doing nothing until the last day and we kicked him out. This was difficult for my husband and although he agreed with me on the decision, he didn't like doing it. My step son has spent the past year living with friends until they kick him out. Recently, he had no where to go, we refused to take him, so he is reluctantly living with his mom. She chose to allow him to live there. He has no job and will not even try to look for one. He stays up all night and sleeps all day. He is very depressed and brings everyone down when he is around.
Anyway, I also have a 16 year old step son - his brother. He lives with us full time (doesn't want to go to his mom's). Anyway, he wants Matt, the 19 year old, to spend the night sometimes. I can understand him wanting a "friend" to spend the night. It's his brother. And once in awhile I don't mind. So far it is maybe one night a week. This weekend he spent the night twice, and now tonight he is supposedly spending the night again. Nobody asks me how I feel about it. And I am SO AGAINST enabling him and allowing him to continue doing nothing with his life, I find it difficult to allow him in my home because I feel like I am condoning his behavior by us all ignoring the fact he does NOTHING.
I am the sole bread-winner in the family - my husband was laid off then was on disability and hasn't found a job. So when he stays over, I'm paying for his food. This past weekend, he stole cigarettes from his dad. DH caught him and asked for them back, but didn't do much else. He didn't apologize either.
He definitely needs help, but refuses to see anyone. He has no health insurance. And while his mom is enabling him and allowing him to live with her rent free (in exchange to babysit her smaller children) there's really nothing we can do from our end. So how do I come to terms with him "spending the night" several nights a week? Isn't that basically just living with us part time without it being official?
I don't want to sound like a hard person, but I am very anxious and stressed out when he is around because I am so furious by his behavior, and everyone around him ignoring the issue and not doing anything. In theory, my husband agrees with everything I feel - but bottom line he wants him around.
I need a reality check. Am I way off base thinking this way? Do I need to find a way to be comfortable with him spending the night?