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SS wants to move to Texas to "Be with his family". Really? Did he just say that?!?

Stepmom in Maryland's picture

We were out to breakfast last weekend and SS (15) says: "Yeah, after highschool I'm going to go to college in Texas.  Texas is where I belong.  With family".   Silently in my head --- Wow- did that just come out of your mouth?  Apparently it did because it just keeps getting better and better...

 

SS lives with us in Maryland.  His mom and brothers live in Texas. SS sees mom and brothers MAYBE twice a year.  SS has NEVER received a gift from them at the house for Christmas or his birthdays.  We have always been the ones to provide Christmas, pay for his Scout trips, provide a nice roof over his head, haul his fat, lazy ass to Scouts and pay for scouting activities.  SS has stolen credit cards numbers out of his dad's wallet and then has lied about it.  SS has skipped school and lied about it.  SS cheats in school (I busted him on his cheat notes once and he begged me not to tell his dad - of course I did.)   

SS is lazy - so lazy that he won't take a shower for a week.  We have to finally TELL him to go take a shower.  SS lies, SS cheats.  SS has an attitude of entitlement. SS has NO social life other than Scouts and school if you want to count that.  When I was his age, I was having friends over, I was going to parties, I was involved in sports, I was social.  I try to get this kid more involved but nothing. I even held a paintball party for his last birthday with all of his Scouts to try to get him to be more social.  He does nothing but masturbate, and play video games.  We put up with all of this, support him and try to encourage him and he "Wants to be with the people in Texas because family is important" ?!?  What the hell?  What are WE?  It makes my head spin.  Seriously spin. WE are more of a family then those "people" in Texas has EVER been and he wants to be with them - the people he sees twice a year - because they are family and family is important.  WOW.  I told SS - "I think you hurt your dads feelings when you said that". His response was: "He'll get over it. He will have had me through high school.  Someone else's turn.  But, you should stay in touch."  (Oh, well how gracious of you to stay in touch I thought in my head."  Then he says to me - "Yeah, mom bought me a year's subscription to XBOX online for a year"  (You have to understand that I had just bought him a three month subscription to the same thing.  What the hell did he do with that?!?)  I need to get her something for Christmas.  You can get me something for her right?  I said: "No, I won't.  You need to talk with your dad about that".   I was, and still am LIVID.  She sees him twice a year and he wants to get her a gift?!?  I am the one that does EVERYTHING for his lazy ass and I have NEVER gotten anything from him!  Not one thing.  

So, I am torn.  I want to say to him - You want to go be with your "family" - why wait - go now but I want to do the right thing.  And, after those comments, I don't know what happened but I really don't want anything to do with him now.  Not at all.  I don't know that I'm going to get over it either.  Am I over-reacting or would you all be upset as well?  Thoughts are definitley welcome here.  Thank you! 

Comments

Step-girlfriend's picture

This is the same kid as your previous blogs??? Your SS is an entitled, ungrateful a*s. He needs a good punch in the throat and to be put on the first plane to Texas.

That is all.

Stepmom in Maryland's picture

Yep.  Same asshole.  You got it.    I am so sick of him. I am mad, sad, and my head is spinning.  He really does need to go.

tog redux's picture

This is a perfect example of how a non-custodial parent can alienate/influence a kid even with only a couple visits a year.

Stepmom in Maryland's picture

Sadly yes.  The thing that gets me is that she is actually evil.  Why he would want to be with her is just not understood by me at all. DH and I are like June and Ward Cleaver.  Maybe that's where we are going wrong.  Maybe nice guys do finish last. 

tog redux's picture

Because she badmouths you two all the time and promises him how wonderful it's going to be when he comes to live with her. Listens to his teen complaints about rules and agrees you guys are unfair, and commiserates about how awful DH is, she knows, because he treated her exactly the same way. When he does visit, he's allowed to do whatever he wants all the time. And the lack of gifts? DH's fault. He makes her pay child support, or he abandoned her for you, or whatever.

He doesn't want to believe his mom is a liar, so he believes that DH is the problem, and you, of course. Maybe he will grow up and figure her out, maybe he won't. But DH needs to be very honest with him about what is really happening.

Stepmom in Maryland's picture

Yeah, I think that this is going to all come to a head.  I think that I will finally loose it and tell it like it is.

Hey SS - You need to get your head out of your ass.  You don't know how well you've got it.  You're mom, who was adopted by DH and EX got pregnant at that age of 15 - three months after she was adopted, DH and EX found out about it.   You're birthmom doesn't even know who the real dad is.  The reason that you were legally adopted by DH and EX is because your birthmom was in love with a registered pedifile!  How do we know that?  Your dad did some investigating and found the police records.  He gave your birthmom an ultimatium - dump the pedifile or you will lose your kid.  Guess what?  BM chose the pedifile.  Hey SS - you want to know why you live with me?  Because I got a job in Maryland and your "Mom" - the EX - said she would move up here from TX and never did. She wanted a divorce instead and by the way, didn't want you to live with her.  SO ... dear SS your dad took on all of that.  He has supported you and loved you.  And you don't call him family?  Now go f##k off you entitled, smelly, fat asshole!  That's where this is all headed.  Because I am DONE with him and his comments.  

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Ungrateful f***ing a$$hole. With "family"? Family isn't even f***ing blood. You can share blood with someone and not have them be family. Someone can be a parent without donating sperm or eggs. Family is an action. He sounds like a narrow minded motherf***ing idiot.

I agree with above. He needs a solid throat punch and a kick to the a$$ as he boards the plan off to Texas.

Once he's gone, don't help clean up the messes I'm sure the spoiled beast will make. He wanted to be with "family." Guess he should get help from his "family."

Stepmom in Maryland's picture

That about sums up my feelings too.  We have been more of a family to him that his "mom" in Texas will ever be.  She's not even his birth mom!  DH and EX adopted a girl that become pregnant at 15.  This is HER child that she wouldn't take care of.  DH legally adopted him.  SS wants to say those words and act like that?!?  Good riddance!  

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

So what's his excuse??? She's not blood, she doesn't do s*** for him. She doesn't even sound like she really cares. Yet he's going to preach "family?" OKay...

fricking punk child.

I'm sorry.

Stepmom in Maryland's picture

Yeah, thanks.  He's an ass alright.  It's all going to come to a head because I'm going to tell him the ENTIRE TRUTH and he's not going to like hearing it. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Good for you. There comesa a point you can no longer sugar coat.

But as for him moving. Fine. Time for him to learn by fire. Just don't clean everything up for him when he realizes what a mistake he's made!

sunshinex's picture

This sucks. I feel you. I know this day is coming for us, too. SD makes comments about wanting to be with her mom, and all I can think is, your mom abandoned you at 9 months old, visits with you two times a year at most, and doesn't pay child support or send presents on any holidays or birthdays. I do EVERYTHING a mom does and more. Yet she misses mom. Like, I get it, but it hurts. 

Chmmy's picture

Kids will do anything to be loved by their bio parent. Even the abusive and neglectful ones.

tog redux's picture

Especially the abusive and neglectful ones. That's what makes alienation so obvious once you know that. Kids rarely refuse contact with a parent, even an abusive one - they only do it when they are alienated. So not wanting to see Dad because he's "mean" is a red flag for alienation.

sunshinex's picture

This is such a good point. SD is fairly neglected when she goes to visit her mom. There have been many times her mom dropped her off at her aunts, who lives nearby, at 1pm and SD said she hadn't eaten because mom wouldn't wake up (must have been hungover!) and just general situations where it sounds like she doesn't get much attention there. Yet she still LOVES going to visit. She always gets excited, and if anything, I think being ignored throughout the year makes her want to visit even more. 

tog redux's picture

Children try to bond with parents, it's hard-wired for their own survival in all animals. If the parent is attached to them, they will protect them and keep them alive.  So if a child has an insecure attachment with an abusive or neglectful parent, they will try even harder to attach to that parent. Hence why they usually don't refuse contact.

advice.only2's picture

"That's great SS, hey how about this, for Christmas we get you a one way ticket "home"! I hope you will write sometimes, but if not no skin off mine. Enjoy your "family"."

Glassslipper's picture

I would assume that SS is imagining running into his "families" arms and being welcomed like he had been there everyday of his whole entire life...from the way you describe the situation, I'm sure he would be in for a rude awakening!
Sounds like he was either trying to get a rise out of you and Dad or he truely thinks that the family he never sees is going to be a loving and supportive home and will be greatly disappointed to find its not as he had envisioned in his immature non-social understanding head

Oh how adorable are teenagers with their lovely outlook of how the grass is always greener in Texas! Send him and he can learn for himself the grass is ONLY greener over the septic tank!

tog redux's picture

Yep. DH can say to SS, "You know, we'd love for you to stay here, but why don't you talk to your mom about coming down there to live now?"  And SS will say, "I have and Mom says she has to get a new job/move to a better school district/ get a bigger house" and that opens the door for DH to say things (kindly, to help with critical thinking) like, "SS, your mom has been saying that for years now, why do you think she hasn't done it yet?"  etc.  If you bash mom, he will go further into the alienation - you want him to think.

But some kids never get that critical thinking skill.

 

sunshinex's picture

Yep. We do this too. We have no intentions of parental alienation, moreso we want SD to start thinking about whether or not BM is really all she thinks she is. We don't want her to think there's something wrong with HER if this awesome "mom" can't love her. We want her to realize BM is a loser.  

Merry's picture

He's got an imaginary family in his head. When he's mad at you he thinks, "If I only lived in Texas with my other family I wouldn't have to do this." You and DH say no to something. Same thing -- he imagines that the Texas clan will be all roses and sunshine. He's totally making up his alternate life with no basis in reality.

Sadly, the other family probably would NOT hold him to standards and he'll end up another loser living in their basement. As long as it's not YOUR basement, huh?

Exjuliemccoy's picture

YSD is the result of the on-again, off-again 7 year relationship my DH had with her crazy, parasitic, welfare queen mother. Psycho accused DH of all sorts of evil doing including rape, stalking, and beating her.

YSD had been fed a lot of lies by her lying liarhole mother, and since Psycho proved too dangerous for DH to exercise visitation, Psycho had six years to fill the little girl's head with unchallenged carp. 

So when we suddenly ended up with custody of her at age 14, you can imagine how confused YSD was. I arranged for a therapist, and showed YSD where all the files on her support and custody were kept. All the court documents, the PI reports, the therapist evals., police reports, etc. Documentation of Pycho's accusations being proven false, over and over, in a courtroom. I told YSD that if she had questions about any of it to feel free to ask either DH or myself but that she was old enough to draw her own conclusions.

This skid is old enough to know the truth. Facts are neither good not bad, and knowing them might just help him develop some maturity and  appreciation for the adults who have been present for him. Also, don't  ignore his selfish comments. Instead, challenge him to think critically. And, ask him what he plans to get his dad for Christmas. He's more than old enough to be giving as well as receiving.

Cover1W's picture

OH, SD15 said something like this to DH last year in the midst of her rants about how horrible our home was.  And the year before, at Xmas she actually told me, in regards to something that happened, "Oh, (it) doesn't matter, you aren't blood family."  Totally dissing me.  From that moment on, my heart shut on her - totally disengaged and didn't give a cr#p any longer.

Stepmom in Maryland's picture

That is exactly where I am.  Last night, I lost it.  Now, you all don't know me, but I am 99% of the time a kind, sweet person.  But, I lost it last night.  SS had been asked by his dad to clean up the basement.  We came home from a party last night only to find that the basement had not been cleaned and SS was in bed.  Dad woke up SS and told SS to clean the basement.  SS had an attitude and started back-talking dad.  That's when I totally lost it.  I had had enough.  The comments the weekend before and now this.  I yelled - Do NOT talk to your father like that!  Now get over here and sit down!  He didn't do it.  I said - Did I stutter? Are you deaf?  I said NOW!  Not in 10 seconds. Not when YOU want.  NOW!   He came over and sat down.  I proceeded to say:  I am sick and tired of your entitlist attitute.  You do not appreciate anything that is done for you.  You are lazy, and don't respect your dad.  I don't give a shit what you think of me, but he (pointing at dad) is your father and I will not take a back seat to you treating your dad like this any longer!  Your dad has taken the high road.  He has chosen not to bash your "mom" in front of you, but let me give you a dose of reality.   The reason that you are living here, dear SS, is because your birth mom chose a pedifile over you.  Did you know that?  The reason that you are adopted by your dad is because your birth mom chose a pedifile over you.  Your dad said to her - you can leave the pedifile or I will adopt your son.  She chose to stay with the pedifile.  So, dear stepson, your birthmom (who was adopted by DAD and EX  and SS knows this) chose a pedifile over you.  She doesn't even know who your dad is.  So, you can thank your dad for saving your life.  Think about it.  Think about how your life would have been if it hadn't been for this man!  Your birthmom has never thanked him, has never even said that she is sorry.  Then, on top of all of this, dear stepson, the reason that you live with your dad instead of the EX (the adoptive mom) is because when they sold the house in TX and dad bought a house in maryland, EX (adoptive mom) was supposed to move up.  But, instead of that happening, the EX (adoptive mom) said - nope, don't want to be married any more and I don't want the kids.  You can have them. They can come visit. She gives not one cent of money to your dad.   Your birthmom nor adoptive mom don't send you birthday gift, they don't send you Christmas gifts.  Never have I seen one package come through that door for you.  They don't feed you, they don't put clothes on your back, they don't come home from work to take your LAZY ass to Scouts after a hard day, they don't go on your Scout activities, they don't buy you a new mattress for your bed, or encourage you, they don't give your birthday parties, they don't go to your school to talk to your teachers or care that you do well in school.  They don't help with your homework after a hard day at work.   As far as I know - you get a TEXT every once in a while.  Am  I right? (he shakes his head yes) but yet, dear stepson, you want to move down to Texas because you call them "your real family"?  If you think that they are family, then let me help you pack your bag because they are not.  I don't know what kind of BS they are giving to you, but let me tell you - your birht mom left you for a pedifile and adoptive mom has told your dad multiple times that she doesn't want the responsibility.  So, you think that the grass is greener?  Let me take you to the airport now.  Go ahead and learn the lesson yourself.  But, you step out that door - you're not coming back here.  Another thing, dear step son, - I don't owe you shit.  I don't owe you one single thing.  I buy you things because I like to see the smile on your face.  Seeing you happy fills my heart.  Knowing the situation of your birthmom and adoptive mom, I felt really sorry for you so I stepped up. But you don't appreciate it. You act like I owe you something, you act entitled, you don't act grateful. So, let me repeat,   If you think that this is such a horrible place - why don't you go and find out what a really horrible place will be.  We all make decisions in life.  This one is yours.  But don't you EVER say to your dad again that your "real family" is in TX because the man sitting right there (pointing to dad) has done more for you, and I am sure will continue to do more for you, than anyone else that you THINK is family ever will.  Now get out of my site.  He got up and left.  His dad just sat there looking at me with his mouth open and said: I've never seen you like that.  I said, well, I just couldn't take it any more.  

still learning's picture

Oh jeez, your husband took on a hell of a lotta baggage with that one.  These dumb men and their white horses.  Time to give the kid extended time with his lovely mother. 

susanm's picture

Cool.  Your "family" can pay for your college then.  Your last day of high school is May X, 20XX.  We will expect you to be leaving for Texas the next day.  Don't let the door hit you in the ass.

somethingwicked's picture

Let Him Go!Let Him Go-O-O

Don't bother holding back no more   ( yes ,I know that is a double negative to those grammar police in the crowd but that grammatical error is used quite frequently in song lyrics..~ for instance  first line of Another Brick in the Wall  by  Pink Floyd~ "We Don't Need No Education....")

Let Him Go ! Let Him Go!

Say "don't get hit in the ass by the door"

And don't  you care ~what DH may say 

As skiddo tantrum's on..

He's a Disney Dadddee anyway-ay-ay-ay!

Wink

 

Seriously, skid ages out at 18. Many states  would allow him to decide with which parent he wants to live at age 14 or 15.

Don't feel guilt or remorse. If he wants to leave this is DH's baby to rock.Not your monkey ..remember?

 

Maybe if he goes and lives with BioMom and gets an eyeful, earful and bellyfull he'll straighten up and WANT to come back and fly right when he lands.

Wishful thinking ,I know..BUT this IS the Season OF Miracles!

But I'd see what DH thinks and if the custody (or what the arrangement currently is ) is not contested or amicable  then buy him an

E ticket for  2019.

Stepmom in Maryland's picture

Sorry for confusion.  SS knows he is adopted. 

Stepson's mother was adopted by DH and Ex wife.  Adopted daughter got pregnant.  Had Stepson. Adopted daugter fell in love with a registered pedifile. DH found the police record. DH confronted adopted daugter and said: you have a choice - leave the pedifile or I will take you to court for legal custody of your kid.  I will not allow the kid to be around the pedifile.  So, adoptive daugter chose pedifile and DH took her to court to legally adopt my now SS.  

Winterglow's picture

Thanks!

notsobradybunch's picture

Oh this is SD18 to a T. BM has never really been in the picture whatsoever. Has never paid for crap, NOTHING. Yet BM is who SD holds a torch for. Has nothing but nice things to say about her, always SO excited if BM even mentions visiting her, but then never shows. Years and years of this. I'm the evil SM, I'm the bitch. I'm the one who has attempted to instill values and morals into this kid. I'm the one who begged her to shower, brush her teeth, wear clean clothes, encouraged her to study, helped with homework, encouraged her to quit eating junk food..yeah I get it. BM is her "family" I'll never be and finally I'm totally okay with that.

Stepmom in Maryland's picture

Totally lost it last night and you know what?  I don't feel bad about it.  If feel cleansed.  Relieved. 

Ispofacto's picture

He feels abandoned.  It's normal for a kid to build up fantasies in their head and long for a parent they never knew.  When he's older he'll see firsthand why his parents didn't stay together, and he'll see how BM operates.