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the little steps and the big BM advice please!

StepLady's picture

My two younger steps, where to start? DH does the parenting with them, I know my place! But we do want to them to eventually live with us, so I do try to bond and correct what I see when he is not around but I do not discipline, ie (we love each other so we share, type of thing as stuff comes up) anything more I prefer DH to handle. In any case they are mostly well behaved in our home as it has been a few years and they have learned what is expected. My daughter is not perfect and I do not expect any other child to be perfect. So I like when they are here, but I hate the fall out when they go home!
I am not sure how much they resent due to BM's alienation techniques, so maybe they play into that and flat out lie to her? Or maybe she pumps for info then twists it? I have a feeling it is a bit of both and I am so tired of it! We no longer text or call one another thank God! Our last court date we were told NO CONTACT other than email but we must try sort things out that way, and can share emails with GAL if need be. My DH handles emails but refers to me if kids/BM are complaining about things he was not aware of. SS is usually easy to please and more polite than SD, if I tell SS "hey buster you left the toilet seat up and we don't do that over here!" He will typically say ooops and correct it. When it comes to SD I think she has way more serious issues with me and my daughter and DH and I blame BM and I somewhat blame her for feeding BM! Sorry it is how I feel!

I can tell SD is jealous of my daughter and I have seen her lie, bully, bribe, control, manipulate etc to get her way with her or against her. My daughter is mostly shy and more submissive and younger. So I do get annoyed when SD tries to piss her off or torment her. SD will bring over one or toy lame toys that she is too young or way too old for, like crap toys from fast food chains or teen magazines that she can not really read or relate to. My daughter will ask her to see it she will throw a fit meanwhile she is wearing my daughters hair accessories and purses. I tell her every time "Over here we love each other and we share, it will still be yours to take home but she would like to see it so maybe you can let her? After all you are wearing all of her things and she is happy to share, maybe you can be kind back?" SD will pout or say no or put items in her room. DD is then sad and has no one to play with in a home full of boys, you see? Simple things like that, DH new rule is if it is out of your room it is "communal" you will share it or put it away or leave at home, and goes for my dd, she keeps special things in her room and we honor that.

Then of course SD and SS go home and we are told things like "You can tell DD to keep her grubby chubby hands off the stuff I buy it does not belong to her! And you can tell your wife to STFU and get out of SD's face she is not the mom.....blah blah Your wife called my daughter a selfish little xyz!" I am sure you can relate to this crap! It is awful and annoying!

Over the weekend my two older steps were not here, so we let the kids order a pizza for a treat, well the SD and SS did not want to come up and eat so we ate pizza the leftovers sat on stove all evening, eventually my dd had a second slice and that was the end of the pizza, then hours went by, I put out a salad and soup for the "meal" they did not want that but instead wanted the after school snack of pizza which was by now gone. So they ate soup and salad. Ofcourse BM sent email as soon as kids returned to her about how we neglected to feed them, they watched us all eat pizza after school, they never got called for snack and missed out and we are starving them and making them sad but my daughter ate the entire pizza and laughed about it! I blame her she is the adult but at that same time it is hard to be around both SKs now becaue I am tired of being called to carpet and questioned by someone not here and not sane, and where does the info come from? The SKs ofcourse! I just want to cut her off completely! But can not!

Meanwhile she lives in a bad area, her house is a mess, kids are always late or absent at school, no glasses on, child support apparantly gets wasted on crappy fast food daily and her husband has not worked since they met! This is the woman that is questioning me and not to mention my DH's parenting! Can not stand her and the lying bs and I know it comes from the kids as soon as they (mostly SD) do not like what they hear I know the spite wheels in the head turn!

How do others deal with this? Thank you!


StepLady's picture

Anytime we question BM via email like this week when report cards went out, "kids missed 8 days this quarter teacher stated no doctor whats going on thanks!" We get kurt and stupid remarks like, "Eight days missed is just that! It is what it is!" What? That is rude and not an explanation! Those are the types of things we send to GAL, until next court date!

fakemommy's picture

You have these issues with the skids and you want them to live with you? It will only get worse. Much much worse if they live with you. BM may back off, but the skids will be hard to handle.

StepLady's picture

I do want them to live with us, because their lives are sad, and I feel that we can help them, they are annoying but also innocent and deserve a chance in life......I would like them to know what is like in a home where utilities do not get disconnected and teaches them the right things to do etc.