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What is with all these HCBM saying how they want to "co-parent"

stepgirlfriendfurmom's picture

I keep seeing in blog entries and forum entries on here how BM says how she wants to "co-parent" or complaining about why our SO's will not co-parent with them. The BM in my situation even says the same stuff too. What these HCBM REALLY mean though is why can't you just tell me what I want to know, help me when I want help, and do whatever I want you to do so I am not unhappy. They don't really want to co-parent at all because their definition of this is clouded and biased.

Co-parenting does not mean and does not entitle BM's to: (especially when their ex is with someone else)

1. Drop by their ex's home when they want to

2. Get any money under the sun they so desire/ask for

3. Doing things as a family unit

4. Make demands of their ex

5. Dictate what goes on in the other parent's home or on the other parent's time

6. To meet or communicate with their ex's new partner/spouse/etc.

7. Control anything beyond what is outlined in the CO or anything in their ex's life

8. Go to holidays, special occasions, or anything else, at or with their ex's family

9. Change the visitation schedule or disregard the CO

10. Any and all communication from their ex, but never communicate anything to their ex themselves

^Those are all that immediately came to mind, but feel free to add any you all have! Just been driving me crazy of late how these BM's are like I just want to co-parent, but because of their entitled, high conflict, crazy behavior has made it impossible to follow through with the actual definition of what it means to co-parent and throw a fit when things are not going their way.

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Coparent is one of those things that sounds so lovely and agreeable when they are standing in front of family court.

In practice, what it means is that the BM does not want to relinquish control over their children even when they are in the home of the other biological parent.  

To me, coparenting should  mean that the parents agree jointly on major issues related to education.. medical...and back each other up on discipline.  Like if the kid steals at dad's mom will enforce the consequence dad gave if it goes into her time.

In practice what happens is that BM wants her rules all the time.. wants to dictate what the other parent does with the child.  It is a license to intrude.

Coparenting only really works when both parties are substantially on the same page.. and if they WERE.. why are they divorced?

 

stepgirlfriendfurmom's picture

How it is meant to be carried out vs. what BM's mean when they use the words co-parent are two entirely different things!

It is almost like the only way this would work is if two friends had sex once which resulted in a child, they were never romantically interested in the other, but respect one another and can effectively make joint decisions and respect the other parent's time and parenting style. That rules out spite, jealousy, etc. that is usually what drives these BM's to be petty and try and controll everything with not only their child, but their ex too.

justmakingthebest's picture

I have fantastic COPARENTS! My exH and kids SM are great. We handle all the big stuff together, we don't fight over the little stuff. We communicate, we share in the good and the bad. 

BM just used "coparent" with us a couple of weeks ago for the 1st time stating that DH should coparent and trust her and understand and accept that SS has a life without his dad. B%&ch - that isn't what coparenting means! 

stepgirlfriendfurmom's picture

co-parenting relationship with the exH and SM and I think that is awesome! You sometimes can even do things together, but aren't intruding on each other's lives either. It is because you all 4 respect each other and have no desire to control the other, which leads to good communication, so it works for you all!

Hahahaha! That is the best with the HCBM saying that you should trust her and understand her, but they have done so many things which makes it impossible to do so, plus like you're saying that is not even the definition of what it means to co-parent. BM in my situation told my bf he should respect her and that was a laugh because no, he doesn't and neither do I, regardless we respect your parenting time, but we do not have to respect her as an individual

hereiam's picture

To the HCBM, co-parenting means: I get to make ALL of the decisions, you just shut up and go along with them, and let me have my way.

It's a term they like to use to make it look like they are trying to get along. "I would love to co-parent but my ex just refuses." What they leave off of that sentence is: "...refuses to let me control and dominate."

Of course, some enmeshed exes (male and female) use the term to justify staying enmeshed. Co-parenting doesn't mean to literally, physically always parent together. The BMs at every family event, in the name of co-parenting? Big, fat NO.

stepgirlfriendfurmom's picture

what they mean by using the term, but is NOT what the words actually mean!

Ah, there is that as well, with the enmeshed men and women, who are just doing it "for the kids"

 

justmakingthebest's picture

Oh god no it DEFINITELY doesn't mean that you are "together"- It means the kid goes to the doctor and you e-mail/text the ex and say- here is what went down. The doc said this is the best option, are you comfortable with that plan or should we get a second opinion?

Or- hey, just got a report card back. Kid is struggling with math. I am going to have the teacher send some extra work home for practice. Can you try and do a sheet with him/her this weekend while they are with you?

Or- XYZ came up, can we switch weekends? 

Or- Band concert. We take up a whole row together. 

We don't talk about anything other than the kids and their best interest. We don't talk daily or even weekly sometimes. Sometimes you are on cruise control and everything is cool and you don't have anything to talk about. 

nengooseus's picture

My XH doesn't co-parent (or participate at all), so I'm out here on my own with DD and HCBM is so unreasonable that there aren't even words.

Reasonable people sound so dreamy.

HowLongIsForever's picture

The impression I get from BM here is that "co-parenting" actually means sit down, shut up and stay out of the way.  He's MY kid and I AM THE MOTHER.

She's lovely.

nengooseus's picture

To write the checks, either.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I swear that some of these BM advocates of co-parenting believe it to mean:

  • You have to tell me EVERYTHING, but I can tell you nothing.
  • You MUST buy the skids what *I* want them to eat. No forcing them to eat healthy!
  • I can waltz into your house any time I want, hang out, have drinks, bbq...
  • I get to know everything that goes on in your house. Every.Single.Thing. That includes things like:
    • how much your bills are
    • where you hang out
    • what feminine hygiene products/BCP/anything I want to know that your wife uses

nengooseus's picture

I'm fortunate, I suppose, that HCBM doesn't waltz in, but aside from that, you've described my life.

ndc's picture

BM here has never said she wants to "co-parent."  She just does it.  We have an occasional wrinkle, but for the most part BM and DH co-parent well.  I guess there's no need to announce it if you do it.

I don't know how those of you with a HCBM do it. I'd be in jail.

stepgirlfriendfurmom's picture

truly do want to co-parent there is no need to announce it! It's like the saying "actions speak louder than words" 

There has been many many times I thought I would land myself in jail because of BM and her stupidity, entitlement, pettiness, etc. but then I think about how she is not even worth a second of my time and certainly not jail time!

Rumplestiltskin's picture

People who keep talking about the "coparenting relationship" and saying how it's "the most important thing to protect for the kids" either want control or to stay enmeshed. If both parties are over the past relationship and are willing to put their feelings aside and do what's best for the kids, there doesn't need ti be all that much communication and it can *all* be factual about the kids. I mean, unless there is some type of crisis, but usually the "coparenting relationship" should not take up hours each day. That is just bullsh$t. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

People use the phrase "coparenting relationship" to suit their needs and twist it to serve them.

I haven't witnessed the controlling "coparenting" as much as the enmeshed coparenting. My BF's ex-wife drunk-dialed him at like 2 am one night after he finally set boundaries. Crying about what happened to their "communication."

This b$tch used to hang out at his house for hours, cooking and cleaning. Would cook family dinners for him and his parents and the kids. Both she and her mother would call my BF all day every day. She would call my BF when she happened to be in the area to ask him if he wanted her to pick up some food for him. She still goes to my BF's family weddings and does Christmas with some of them. And she is supposedly married, but her husband didn't know about any of it! I finally got boundaries established between her and my BF. But then i get accused (by BM and BF's family) of sabotaging the sacrosanct "coparenting relationship!" 

Vomit. Sorry not sorry. I am no troll, am not creative enough to make this sh$t up, and those of you who have read my blog know i've been doing a lot of thinking about why i have put up with all this and what i am willing to put up with in the future. "Coparenting relationship" is synonymous to me with gaslighting, and hearing it just pisses me off. 

Thumper's picture

Meaningless word used in Family Court to create extreme conflict and drama.

 

 

strugglingSM's picture

As others have said, when HCBMs say "co-parent", they really mean, "I believe you should allow me to control what goes on in your home and continue to exert control over you the way I did when we were married."

I also believe that it's used as a red herring, so the HCBM can play the martyr and say, "well, I tried to co-parent with him, but he refused! Waaah waaah waaah!" 

Jcksjj's picture

Ugh. We havent had this issue actually with BM for a long time, DH told her hes only parallel parenting and she gave up with the "it's for SD" "we need to communicate" blah blah after she googled it. Everyone on the outside is always preaching about it though. For some reason none of our extended family can accept the parallel parenting idea even though it's working great for us.

 Also, whenever I see that word anywhere else its almost always some version of "I want my way and ex wont cooperate with that."

It's really kind of a trigger word for me, honestly. 

Lifer33's picture

The 'Co parenting' was going just fine and dandy for bm... dh would run over there put ss to bed on her time, so she could take her fat arse for a jog, pay her anything she asked, have ss all weekend every weekend over schedule, oh and be her counsellor when her grandad died. Til step mother demon here turned up n went 'nope' to all of that and more.