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How to not worry?

stepgirlfriendfurmom's picture

I have not posted in quite some time as there has not really been too much to report. Only thing that was what I guess you could call interesting is Sunday morning we were to talk to the SDs on BM’s phone. About twenty minutes before the scheduled call BM messages in the court approved app “I got a new number and it is xxx-xxx-xxxx.” Well so then we call BM’s phone and it goes to voicemail because she doesn’t pick up and her voicemail says “Hi you have reached BM’s happy mountain, please leave me a voicemail and I will get back to you.” … SO and I looked at each other and were like uhhh… is that something dirty or something hippie… plus I thought it said BM’s happy mountains, but SO thinks it says mountain, so I don’t even know. Then the other frustrating thing is bf gets an email saying a linked email is requesting to reset their password and it is BM’s email, apparently BM made SO’s email her recovery email, but SO says he didn’t even know she did that, but we were both bothered that after almost 3 years of them not being together BM still has his email as her recovery and she has sent emails recently from that email, so odd she needed to reset it. Maybe she really needed to or maybe she is trying to just stay relevant because there is no reason for her to communicate with SO right now.

 

The thing I have been struggling with the most with step life right now is to totally not look at BM’s social media. Before I had been looking because we were in a custody battle, but now that it is over, there is not really a reason for me to look at her social media, but on occasion I still do. It does not help that her social media is all public for the world to see. So finally I decided I had to stop looking and was going to block her on everything because there was no reason to look anymore. So when I go to block her, since her profile is in my search history, I see she changed her last name on there. Which is odd because the last name it is, is not her maiden name and we have never seen an engagement ring on her finger at custody exchanges nor have I in any pictures or any mention of any guy. A few months ago there was a guy, but totally different last name. I know I should not care or waste any energy on it, but it is kind of frustrating if she already got remarried when I have never even been married once, let alone twice and SO and I met/got together a few months after they separated. I know I should not feel insecure about never being married before, but I just can’t help it. I know it is not healthy to be even worried about any of this :x

Comments

futurobrillante99's picture

Some people get married like changing their underwear. I'm kinda jaded on the topic, sadly. My first marriage was meant to be for life, but I chose someone who was not going to be a friend to me. I had good reason to end it because he was not loyal or supportive - I tried. I jumped (too quickly) into a 2nd marriage thinking that I was getting too old to attract a partner for much longer. I chose REALLY poorly and ended up with an abusive covert narcissist.

I'm in a new relationship that happened WAY too soon after my 2nd divorce. I'm not really sold on the idea of marriage because it clearly didn't give me the happily ever after I was hoping for.

This man has the attributes of someone I could spend the rest of my days with, but I'm in no hurry (I was in a hurry the last two times).

Take your time. Don't  just marry someone you love to have that box checked. Marry someone you cannot live without and know well enough to know all their flaws and would be willing to stick with them until the bitter end. My BF says marriage is like a suicide pact with him. He says he takes it dead seriously.

That's good to know. I'm not sure I'm ready to take that step with anyone again but I would like to go to the bitter end with him. Besides, at our ages, marriage doesn't really offer us a lot of benefits, and in some ways creates problems.

IamBackUW's picture

You're going about this all wrong. Unlike the ex, you are not an unscrupulous wh0re who changes bed partners like other people change their underwear.

Choose marriage very carefully. I fckd up the first time. I upgraded the second (and last.) I don't want to have to train another man ffs.

advice.only2's picture

I wouldn't assume that just because she changed her name on social media it means she got re-married. It could be she changed it to something different thinking you and DH couldn't look her up.
As for looking at her social media it's human nature. I used to check Spawn's and Meth Mouth's from a stalker account until Spawn aged out and then I figured it had served it's purpose. Now I have them both blocked on everything and only hear about their stupidity through others.

ESMOD's picture

At the root of it, are you unhappy with your current relationship status?  Do you WANT to marry your SO?  Have you been together a long time and you feel stuck in one place?  

Social media can be a joy stealer.  I mean, everyone puts their best currated lives on there (well.. except for the drama queen attention hoes).  So, you see all these people having their fabulous lives/careers/relationships.  And.. you cannot help but have your small inner voice look at all these people.. and some of them are really unnatractive.. and if THEY can find people to marry them.. what the heck is wrong with you?  The bottom line is nothing... maybe you are smart and taking things slowly.  Maybe you haven't met the right partner.. maybe those people are really miserable?

If something is making you unhappy.. comparing yourself to others.. as hard as it might be.. you need to try to avoid it.  I know the morbid curiosity is there.. but you will drive yourself crazy comparing yourself to this other person without truly knowing her life.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

It's a good thing that you haven't been married before, at least when it comes to your perceived value on the dating market. As a divorced person, i know that baggage is a detriment for me, not a plus. Are you upset that your SO hasn't proposed or is delaying marriage? That would be more understandable. Although.....can you honestly say this situation makes you happy? 

Lifer33's picture

New numbers, 'happy mountains' and changing her name on social media... She trying to cover her identify Coz  running an adult chat line at night? Smile

Its a slippery slope checking out bms social media or comparing who's got what. Concentrate on yourself and living your best life. Upon reading things like luck factor, there's something to be said for thinking and acting positive about yourself. as a proposals most likely to come when you are thriving and glowing from the inside out. You can't do that if you're giving head space to who bm is dating 

hereiam's picture

There's no need to feel insecure about never being married. The important thing is to be happy with yourself, and if you are in a healthy, happy relationship, married or not, that's icing on the cake.

BM over here has been married 6 times. You think that makes her secure? Happy? She doesn't have the slightest idea what love or commitment is, nor is she ever happy. She gets married to not be alone.

SecondNoMore's picture

I have the unusual perspective of being raised in and around a bridal shop that my mom owned from the time I was nine. Trust me, ANYONE can get married if they are willing to settle. I mean ANYONE. Poor hygeine. Bad personality. Frumpy. Batshit crazy. I won't even go into the bodies. And this is at a store attracts a high-end client. Don't get me wrong, a lot of our brides were absolutely amazing, but some of the people who would come through there to try on dresses would make us ask out loud, 'WHO IS MARRYING THIS PERSON???' 

Now all of that said, if I was with a guy for a few years who I was crazy about and he wasn't actively making a plan to marry me, I would be gone because I definitely do believe 100% in that commitment. That's what you need to ask yourself... do you want to married to THIS person or do you just want to be married and he happens to be there.

If there's one thing this site should teach people it's that you do NOT want to marry or procreate with the wrong person. Period!

JRI's picture

I recognized myself as I read your post.  Back in the day, before FB, I was morbidly interested in BM's life  It is so embarrassing to admit now.  I gathered every shred of info about her, her boyfriend, what she said, what she did, where she went.  It didnt help thst she wss an attractive person with a good tan and great legs, neither of which i had.  Of course, I hated her guts for many reasons but I was also jealous because she had had 10+ years with DH and 3 kids. I was scared that if she wanted him back, she could use the kids to lure him. 

Fact is, she didn't want him back and let custody of the kids go, too. At some point, my jealousy began to subside but if FB had been a thing back then, believe me, I'd have been stalking all the time.  Lol.