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Did I get everything I wanted ?

Stepbystep1969's picture

Its been along time since I visited step talk. i have received some of the best advice on here, There were days without this place that Im sure I would have gone totally crazy, Me and hubby have for the last few months been talking, working things out, and he has stepped up to the plate ( it took me leaving for awhile for him to see a few things differently ) sd lives with him full time and has for a few years.

I moved back in with him and step demon and as soon as I came back hubby has been putting his foot down with sd, he has discoved she has missed alot of time from school... she went to the office and had our house number changed, ( we didnt change it ) so they couldnt get ahold of him when time was missed. he has discovered her so called friend quin she stays alot with over night does not exist. She has a 22 year old boyfriend who lives in a rooming house with 4 other druggies, drunks, all on walfare, do not work, and just out right losers. sd has been staying with them living the same life as them,

Of course , now there are rules in place at our home now were living threw her shit show. if she is grounded she just screams , hollors , slams doors, breaks things , and calls us names and just leaves, after a few days she texts hubby only because she wants a drive , or wants money, or comes home when we arent here taking food, towels , cups,  she even stole my great grand mothers bowls that were left to me, she constantly is telling her dad hes a worthless piece of shit , useless father , i could go on and on what comes out of her mouth when she doesnt get her own way,, it really is to the point that she is just sickening ,,,,

She was texted and told we were going away for the weekend and she was staying with her mother ( her mother wont take her back because she cant handle her ) locked the doors but we forgot to lock the back window, my hubbys sister was left keys to come in and feed the cat. Well,, she let herself in and what did she discover sd and loser boyfriend in our bed naked,, big mess in here , and more food gone. Im upset he wont take her keys and her cell from here because he at least can have contact with her and if she needs in here because of losers shes with she can get in ,,

in the last month she has only been home for 2 days ( the days we were away ) she dont answer his texts unless she wants something other then that we dont hear from her.

hubby is so hurt and heart broken that he has been drinking more. last night was the kicker i came home and caught him shaking holding his head and crying ( hes a touch guy he dont cry ) im so stressed now was it worth it to make him parent his kid and make rules ? seems like this shit show is worse than just the last one ( catering to her  , letting her do what she wants , giving  ,running ugh ) i dont know how much longer I can live is sd shit show it seems its never gonna end Sad




tog redux's picture

OP, I know it's hard to see your DH struggling, and what he's done is a good start, but it's not even close to enough.

I'll assume your SD is a minor.  Has he contacted agencies that help with delinquent minors? Has he pressed statutory rape charges on the 22-year-old? Police need to be called when she's screaming, throwing and breaking things.  Her phone and car need to be taken away.  The locks on the house are changed, and if she runs away, she's not welcome back unless you guys are home. If she breaks in? Charges for breaking and entering.

He wants to keep you, but he has to be willing to go far enough to actually help his daughter and deal with this issue.  He let it get so huge that just "setting limits" won't be enough.  I know all of the above is hard to do to your own kid, but if he doesn't, she will be taking advantage of him forever.  And it's his best hope that she can turn her life around.

And if she is over 18, dear god, she needs to be kicked out post haste.

lieutenant_dad's picture

She can have a cheap flip phone that is pay-as-you-go.

Your DH can install a keypad to the garage or front door that would allow him to take the key but to give her a code IF she needs in when he is home (though then he could just answer the door, but this would give him some sense that she's not SOL).

Then everything Tog said. File statutory rape charges, call the cops on her being a runaway, press charges on BF when he enters your home without permission. Charge her with theft when she takes things. Lock her in her room, drive her to school and pick her up there (not there, then file runaway). Get her into therapy.

Your DH's job is to make sure she isn't a burden on society, so he doesn't get to give up because it's hard. It just means he has to try harder.

Gimlet's picture

The only mistake you've made is going back.  No, asking him to set appropriate boundaries is not a bad thing and the fact that he cannot seem to deal with his daughter's issues is not your fault.  Her mom's given up on her and her dad isn't willing to take the hard steps outlined above.  This situation isn't going to get better on its own. 

I'm not trying to be mean, but drinking and crying isn't going to solve anything and none of this is your problem.  

susanm's picture

You have someone breaking into your house, stealing your items, and defiling your bed.  And your husband allows it because the person doing it shares his genes.  I think you have your answer.  I understand that he wants her to continue having a phone to contact him but refusing to change the locks and secure the house is just insane.  If he won't take action, you have not only not gotten everything you wanted, you are living in a situation where you could come home to find literally anyone in your home burglarizing the place.  Your house is now known as a place that is "up for grabs" among her friends.  That is a potentially deadly situation.

Depending on the laws of your state, he is also leaving himself open to an array of charges from failing to keep her in school to child endangerment for failing to act on his knowledge that she is involved in a sexual relationship with a 22 year old man.  He is running a serious risk of someone calling CPS or her getting arrested with the people she is hanging around with and the state holding him responsible;  He needs to press charges against this guy and put her under a home version of Our Lady of the Perpetual Cardigan's Home for Misguided Girls.  Not sit and cry and feel sorry for himself.

Kes's picture

The reason that most parents don't or won't set appropriate boundaries (and it is often fathers with daughters) is that they are scared of losing them.  But your DH has all but lost his daughter anyway, and if he carries on a relationship with her under the terms she seems to be insisting on, we all know how that's going to end.  She won't suddenly stop being angry with him and start behaving herself, she needs someone to blame and he has obligingly offered himself up to be her scapegoat.  If she turns her life around at all, it will likely not be until her late 20s or 30s, when many people who went off the rails in their teens, start to wake up to themselves.  Personally I couldn't live in the house unless I was sure that it was SD proof (ie new door and window locks).  

Harry's picture

There is nothing you can do.  This kid is out of control.  Change the locks only allows her in the house when DH is home to take care of her.  Or put her into a mental facility, for treatment.  Out all your stuff into a storage facility where it’s hoing to be safe, 

It’s up to DH to control his DD, what he not doing.  No phone, no car, no nothing,  just lunch money if she going to school , 

Stepbystep1969's picture

Thank you for yet again the great advice. If he isnt willing to do change the locks the cops when she us holloring screaming breaking things ...or call the police and charge her bf...then i have to stressed out under so much stress from this useless kid... my whole life is sd ...should be more to my life then just her 

Stepbystep1969's picture

Im in canada he has called the police and he cannot be charged for rape because sd gave her permission. The cops or us cannot locate where or what rooming house hen is in...she is almost starts next month and she will not go back.everytime she texts him is to meet at a secret location to give her money etc ...or when she wants something ...his idea is he wint give her anything and do anything for her ...come on ...he thinks touch love is the answer ...but he wont call the cops on her or change the locks...uou guys are right one should have to live this way