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DH Says I'm going to lose him...

step off already's picture

Since yesterday, he's been upset that I excluded SS13 from bringing him with me and my kids to the amusement park. We talked about it last night but we clearly don't see eye to eye.

Since all the kids are gone, I went upstairs to see the damage that was left behind. I picked SS's brand new tablet up off of the family room floor and my sons' shared tablet off of the couch where they both were with a bunch of miscellaneous crap. I was having a bit of a moment after picking up trash that the dogs had gotten into, etc and stated that I was taking the boys' tablets away since they aren't taking care of them.

Dh chimes in with an excuse for SS13 - something along the lines of he's only had it for a few days and he was only here for a few hours before he left, it probably fell, etc, etc. And I was like, well, guess what. If he can't take care of his brand new tablet and I find it on the floor less than a week after I give it to him, then there's a problem.

This quickly re-opened the "you pick on my son" issue from the evening before. Problem with that argument is that I was taking ALL of the tablets away - even though my sons' tablet was sitting on the couch. I get tired of ALL the kids not taking care of things. Uuuugh.

Well, anyway, being irritated already, pregnant and still upset from last night, I just let it all out:

- yes, there's a double standard - and its perpetuated by you making excuses for SS13
- yes, I get irritated with SS because he stomps around the house with a bad attitude or talks back or whatever on a daily basis - and I've had enough!
- yes, both me and my kids enjoyed the day without him - we didn't have to worry about him acting out and throwing a fit!

He acted all butt hurt again, saying that I'm showing him my true colors andn I'm going to lose him if I keep acting like this.


I've locked myself in the bedroom right now.If I wasn't pregnant, I'd have left and gone to the bar or to go stay at a friends for the night!


step off already's picture

I am done with playing mommy for him and SS! I let him know that I will no longer do the following:

- make doctor/dentist/glasses appointments for his son - and BTW, the glasses I dropped off to be fixed are discontinued now. you can get them in a new color or pick out a new pair for your son. I'll give you the number.

- coordinate the parent / teacher conference make up time for next week. I'll forward you the email from the teacher so you can set it up.

- make sure the school is paid for your son's tuition

- talk to the teachers to ensure your son is getting his work done and we are clear on expectations

- remind you of when he needs to call his mother per your restraining order

- ride with you 60 minutes and back to the drop off location for SS's visits and remind you when they are upcoming

- respond to BM on your phone via text when she starts up again

- research and sign your son up for any activities

- bake your son treats to take to the bake sale for fundraising for his trip

- help with homework

- shop for and buy him clothes, school supplies, things for his room and other things he needs

- ask him to do his chores and pay his allowance

- make sure he showers or alert you when it's been three days since his last one

- wash his clothes, sheets

step off already's picture

Problem is - I've seen what their home looked like before, when they were on their own and it was not pretty. My home and life aren't the tidiest, but if I wasn't managing my household - no one else will.

RedWingsFan's picture


step off already's picture

It crossed my mind, and you can bet that would have crossed my lips if I wasn't 6 months pregnant.

I was trying to make up with him, talk through things reasonably, ask what my part was/ is in the conflict - but he says even that is belittling and that I am talking down to him.

step off already's picture

He says I ALWAYS make him feel like a POS and that I infer that he was nothing before we were together. The truth is that this man was really struggling prior to me coming into the picture. He let BM show up any time she wanted, often drunk, pound on the door, demand to see her son, pass out, wake up, leave and then not be seen again for another few months. This went on for 7 years and he never bothered to file for divorce -even though she left him 7 years prior to be with another woman and be a drunk.

He couldn't even get himself divorced because it was too overwhelming for him. He couldn't tell the woman no, because he thought SS needed his mom and a drunken crazy visit was better than no visit.

He had several times he went on food stamps because BM didn't help with SS at all, and his work had slowed down and he had no money to feed his child.

I know he feels bad for the choices he's made, but I looked at him and saw a good man, that was committed to his child, who had a good heart. Yes, he was very rough around the edges, but heck. So was I. We make a good team. But he has some definite insecurity issues.

step off already's picture

Of course he's not going anywhere. Where the hell is he going to go?

Last night he told me he's never leaving me, blah, blah, blah. The man can't let me be alone in a room without him. Damn. He can't let me go to Walmart by myself on Saturday morning at 7 am.

He knows I'm the best thing to ever happen to him AND his god damned son!

Sure, I can be a demanding bitch sometime. But you don't have three fantastic kids (and I' meand GREAT ones - the kind that teachers tell me they think of as their own), a career, my own home, a rental property and lots more without being a bit on the bossy side. I run this place. I did before he got here. And I still will if he decides to leave.

I don't want him to leave. I love this man to death and I know he's not going anywhere. We really are best buddies, but he has created a monster with his son. Both him and SS have come a lOOOONG way in the past few years (with much guidance by me :-)). But of course, that doesn't mean they are anywhere near my standards.

DH likes to remind me that SS was on his own since he was 5, making his own food, entertaining himself around the house while DH worked - a latchkey kid. I should give him a break because of this and that.

Problem is - I have. But he's still unpleasant. And I'm tired.

step off already's picture

Exactly. DH tried to pull the "well he grew up without a mom" card - which I threw right back into his face (which he forgets that I can do)


And my DAD was married FOUR times and had several girlfriends before I was SS's age. Did you forget who you're talking to?

How about instead of teaching SS that he gets a pass since he had such a rough start that we teach him some of these: life isn't fair, deal with it, get over it, yes, bad things happen to us, but the way we handle ourselves and behave is what makes us who we are.

step off already's picture

Oh, and going back to making excuses and the fact that there's a double standard. He tried to bring up my daughter's "distracted in class" comment that she gets on HER behavior report (as opposed to SS's "does not complete homework" mark that he gets).

I reminded him that DD12 has ADD, DS10 is on the Autism spectrum and DS9 is dyslexic. These are all medical conditions that I am teaching them to deal with and overcome without putting them on medication or making excuses for them because these conditions exist.

What about SS? His mommy left him when he was 5 and decided recently to come back into his life on a regular basis. So now that he's 13 he gets a free pass to be a jerk and not do his school work. AND we get to give him extras for the rest of his life to make up for it. Sounds like a great plan to me DH!

step off already's picture

That's the thing. It's true.

I hate the fact that he wasn't strong enough to file for divorce on his own. I hate the fact that he chose this woman intentionally to have a child with before they even got married two years after SS was born. I hate the fact that he let it go on for so long with his ex abusing him and his son. And I don't like that about him.

I do think counselling could help. He does cater to me and bows to my every wish. He wants me happy and I know he sees me as his angel.

But I think he also feels bad (like less of a man) for giving me everything I want and letting me run the house and just saying, "yes dear" to everything. But that's a big part of why we fit so well. I'm the boss and he likes it that way. He doesn't have to think about anything, he just does what he's told.

does that sound awful? It's the truth.

Disneyfan's picture

WOW, it does sound awful. It's like he has a nanny instead of a wife. No matter how well it may work, it has to be eating him up inside.

princessandthepee's picture

Does this charming and magnetic man need you to wipe his ass, too?

Forty years from now that's what you'll be doing as you fantasize about what your life should have been.

And he won't care.

domsmommy2003's picture

Have you and dh thought about getting your ss some anger management or counseling to deal with his issues? It sounds lie bm is a pos even when it comes to parenting.

domsmommy2003's picture


step off already's picture

Well, of course, this is something I suggested and set up the initial appointment... but DH hasn't been able to call and schedule appointment # 2 since the fall.

bi's picture

perhaps he should realize that his pansy assing to his son is going to cause HIM to lose YOU. i don't think you would be missing much, but he sure would!

whatwasithinkin's picture

I have a real question. and its for everyone...not just step.

"DH likes to remind me that SS was on his own since he was 5, making his own food, entertaining himself around the house while DH worked - a latchkey kid. I should give him a break because of this and that."

How many years do these kids get a pass?

In a few years are Dh's going to call their employers and ask for a pass because they had a semi shitty childhood and their parents got divorced?


hereiam's picture

And really, shouldn't the kid be a little more responsible if he's been taking care of himself since he was 5?

step off already's picture

Today is much better. Much better.

He got to sleep on the couch and realized midway through the night that the bedroom door was locked. When I walked passed him this morning he said he loved me. I ignored him and got in the shower. He followed me to the shower trying to say sorry and give me funny faces.

He apologized and said he'll never say he's leaving again. That I do take care of him and no one has ever done that for him before and he loves it. He said he's sorry for us not being on the same page and being a united front. He told me it really hurt his feelings when I told him I got him a job with my ex husband (which I knew would hurt him when I said it: "the only reason you're making any money right now is because I asked my ex husband to give you a job" - yes. not nice, I know. Not entirely true either. It was more of a Jedi Mind trick that I did with Ex H to get him to think it was his idea to ask DH to do some work for him, but that's another topic).

And he said it was actually very helpful for me to write down his half/portion of the expenses so that he could truly understand what he NEEDS to make to cover his portion of the household. He told me he was also going to work more and get more side jobs so that he can bring home more money so the burden isn't all on me to cover for him and his son.

Anyway, thank you all soo very much. I was really, really upset last night and all of your comments really helped me to calm down and feel better. You gals really are the best!

step off already's picture


step off already's picture

LOL. Yes. It's amazing the amount of reflection one can do during a night when locked out of the bedroom and sleeping on a love seat Smile