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Thinking about divorce due to Sd behaviour and Dw enabling, but i'm worried about ss

sosfromstepdad's picture

Me and Dw have been together for 6 years and married for 3. Dw has 2 kids (Sd16 and Ss 16-twins)from a previous marriage while I have non (never married). My relationship with sd is pretty much non-existant because all she does is manipulate, cry, and whine to dw to get anything she wants, and she knows that B.S won't work with me. Unlike dw, I call her out on her crap and hold her accountable for her actions, this causes her to run to mommy; which causes us to have legendary fights. She comes at me and says that i'm just picking on her, i don't love her, etc etc. I'm always made to look like the bad guy by sd and dw falls for it . Fights have gotten so bad over sd behaviour, that i've decided to disengange from sd not just to save my mariage, but my sanity too, but i told dw that if sd is gonna stay in my house (my name is on the deed and it's completly paid off) that sd will respect me and the rules. I wasn't the cause of dw and her ex marrage in case you guys were wondering. Her ex just walked out of their lives when the kids were 4..  

SS on the other hand is a different story. Dw favours Sd so much that she completly ignores ss. You would think this would make ss to act out right? Wrong!. Ss is very resiliant and mature for his age. He behaves way better than even me when I was his age. He even acknowleadges that dw favors sd and that he's thankful for it cause it forced him to mature and grow up faster, so he's better prepared for the real world and sd will "crash and burn when reality hits her"(his words exactly). This of course makes me really sad for ss.  SS has even told me that if it weren't for me, he probably wouldn't be where he is today (I disagree of course). Both sd and ss are 16, but ss got to skip grades 2 and 3 when he was younger because he was showing signs of exceptionality, so he was put in grade 4 when he was supposed to be in grade 2. Not only did he graduate from high school this past june, but he was the class valadictorian of his graduating class; he's starting university in september-free ride btw but since he also plays soccer very well, he was also offered a soccer scholarship too. Sd on the other hand barely passed grade 10 and is going to grade 11. Ss is very pleasant to be around, he respects everyone except sd(they hate each other, and i don't really blame him). A lot of our friends and the whole family even say that ss much more pleasant to be around than sd. Me and ss are very close . We always laugh, crack jokes with eachother, workout together, taught him how to drive, me and ss can talk can literally talked for hours about god knows what, and all we do is laugh. He's a really good kid and honestly i truly believe that he will make it far in life. I would have loved to have that kind of relationship with sd but  she decided to lie, steal, and be disrepectful which is why I have backed away from her. I don't ignore her. My interactions with her are very short, but i'm very polite to her, but she's very hostile towards me, so I back away. 

I don't know how to get dw back? She's the love of my life and the last thing I want is a divorce, but if things don't change, i'm afraid we are going to end up with one. I'm also willing to try for ss's sake. He's very perceptive about things and one time he overheard me and dw arguing (we thought no one was home); he told me that if me and dw get divorced, he'll end his life because i'm the only one that's ever cared about him. This worries me deeply.



Areyou's picture

DH and I fought a lot too due to SD. SS is very kind and respectful unlike his sister. I ended up moving out because I can’t stand SD. Good luck. The fighting won’t get better unless DW opens her eyes.

marblefawn's picture

If you think you can bear SD for another two years, it might be worth getting a plan together for getting SD into college - or should I say "away to college." If you saw the end in sight, maybe you could hang in there.

If SS is that smart, surely SD can at least get into a flunky college that's a few hours away.

My unbearable SD was already away at college when I got married. To be honest, she has still stressed my marriage so much that I am sitting on this site at 12:30 in the morning as if I have nothing else in the world to do. But when I read posts like yours, I realize how much worse things would be if I had ever had to live with SD.

Your SD might really engage in college and move on with her own life giving you some relief. But if there's no plan for her to launch somewhere in two years, you might end up with the bad seed sprouting in your basement and the good seed, the skid you're grateful for, glad he's away from all this chaos.

I'd start working to negotiate SD's two-year launch now, though. If she's unmotivated, it might take a full two years to figure out how to get her out of there.

sosfromstepdad's picture

I'm already working on it! Can't wait until sd is 18

Survivingstephell's picture

I bet SD is so rotten because her twin brother is so good.  It must be hard to live with such a saint!  Not sure that dynamic could be overcome but some tough love about her future is needed.  She must have some good qualities, good areas to focus on to help that launch.  Joint therapy with her and mom might help.  


sosfromstepdad's picture

to say that. Most my in laws and my family even call ss a saint and sd a sinner. That there's no way to overcome that dynamic. I've tried. Even the family therapist said that "they're too different". 

Thanks for the suggestion! I'll look into it!

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

I am curious about your effusive praise of SS and your choice of words when you describe your relationship with him. 

"Me and ss are very close . We always laugh, crack jokes with eachother, workout together, taught him how to drive, me and ss can talk can literally talked for hours about god knows what, and all we do is laugh."

There was a video posted a while back that was critical of dads using their daughters as surrogate partners because daughters idolize dads and have no expectations of them. Dads feel like kings with a daughter who doesn't bag about budgets or chores.

Is it possible, based on your worry about SS's feelings more so than how your actual partner would handle a divorce, that you have fallen into the parent/child partner trap? If you are treating SS like a mini husband, it's understandable why your wife would feel frustrated and be less receptive to what you say about SD's lack of motivation. 

sosfromstepdad's picture

I treat Dw as my wife and life partner and the skids the kids (even sd). How I am with Ss is exactly the same as how Dw is with sd. It's not just me though. Even before I came along, my in laws told me that dw has always favored sd over ss which has caused sd to act like this. Dw always gets really defensive when someone talks to her about sd even with my in laws. 

In the past I've tried to develop the same relationship with sd that I have with ss, but she always reacts with hostility and disrespect which is why I've decided to stop trying. 

J.E.S.S.'s picture

I don't know how the laws work where you are but here a 16 yo can file for emancipation so that the parent is no longer the legal guardian.  Then he can choose wherever he wants to live & can even file paperwork to make you his legal father. Just a thought. 

Blizzak718's picture

I am going through the very same thing. I can"t stand the eldest SS and have a couple of instances where I had to show him who the true alpha male is in my house. My SO say she knows and understands that he is beyond disrespectful yet wants me to not give up on him. I had to explain that I this isn't a few instances, this is repetative. His BiFa is a clown also. He wants to be seen as this hero, even though he has done nothing for this kid from birth. This dude had the audacity to also say that he knows his kid is disrespectful but he has to let him know he's there for him. WHAT?! I laughed at him and told him without smile or hesitation, if this kid ever in life steps in my face like he has done before, you will be there for him in a different capacity. Didn't mean to get long winded, by i fully understand your pain. This has made me completely withdraw from this kid and become distant with my SO. I actually took a job away from the house so I don't have to deal with or see this kid. The ONLY reason that I stay is for my baby boy and the middle SS.