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need help Disenagaing w/ SS7

Sonomama30's picture

I need to mentally do this. How can i disengage when SS7 lives with us FULL TIME?? Seriously what are some successful ways. Thanks


Sonomama30's picture

ya know, its really not with him. its with BM, i feel like because i do everything for him, and she literally dosent do shit, i get no thanks. Its kind of expected of me to do this "motherly role" for him because i had a BD and SS lives with us. It gets my blood boiling when for the past 3 years its been ME doing it all down to whiping his ass, and BAM!! BM is back for a little while because she got fired from another job. i just want a fuckin thanking you from someone for taking care of this child who isnt mine. and he really dosent give a shit. blood is thicker than water, even if the blood is toxic

mcnat's picture

couldn't agree more. my dh's ex wife is PURE EVIL and the kids were willing to do and say anything to get back to her, and there was never a thankyou in sight for the woman (me) that was taking care of them like a mother. As for disengaging from your SS. I did this with SD, before she went all psychotic. I just stopped including her in activities, especially one on one activities. For instance, if I took SS to movies, we wouldn't invite her and if she wanted me to take her to walmart or to drive around for quality time i started to be too busy or too tired. Having your own child is hard enough but when you put that with raising step children (especially ungrateful ones with a horrible BM) it can practically cripple you. Best of luck with the disengaging process. It's painful, but in the end it might be best not only for you but for SS as well. Just start by gradually not including him in things and spending just a little bit less time with him

Oi Vey's picture

The best, most workable description I can give you:
Let DH be the parent. You support his job in being a parent.

It's like he's the main character, and you're the supporting case Smile

SteppingUp's picture

Ditto. I think it's a bit impossible to do so since he lives with you full time. You can't technically disengage especially if you are ever alone with the child. There are just things you have to say -- "Stop jumping from sofa to sofa" or "Don't climb that ladder" -- that are things for safety that would backfire on you if you ignored.

However, you can certainly put more emphasis on DH being the parent and the one who lays down the law. You can choose to take the "tattler" role by telling DH things that happen that he hasn't seen and then relying on him to make a consequence. Or you can just learn to let certain things go if the child's safety isn't threatened.

I'd have to say that either way it probalby won't turn out very well. The skid will learn that whatever dad says, goes, and not to necessarily respect you or your boundaries/rules. And he might learn that he can walk all over you and dad this way. And he would learn to not do things in front of dad but can get away with it in front of you. It will probably cause more stress in general.

I totally understand your position adn basically posted a very similar blog this past winter about disengaging....and now that I look back, I realize that it was just a phase. I don't feel that bad about everything now. Sometimes step parenting (heck, life in general) is all about dips and day it's an uphill battle, one day the things that bothered you the day before just aren't that big of a deal. Learn to choose your battles with disciplining the skid...and for me, it was finding myself again and realizing that I was no longer a "fun" stepmom...I re-evaluated my role and have since taken a more active role in being fun with the skids again. Life has been pretty good with them lately because of that.

SteppingUp's picture

I also want to add that since you have your own child, disengaging from the stepkid means different rules/expectations for each child living in your house. I think that could backfire on you some day -- your child will rebel if she can't "get away" with the same things the skid does.


alwaysanxious's picture

Its hard to mentally disengage without first physically doing so. I had to start with disengaging the actions. No dishes, laundry, being concerned about school etc.

After a while, your brain starts learning to turn off that concern.

truebloodfreak's picture

I also have a 2 SS and my own son.they live with us cuz BM is a piece of shit. But there is a big age difference. My son is 1, SS are 9 and 14. I've disengaged by stopping doing their laundry, school stuff. None of that is my responsibility anyways that should be his parents
Basically I interfere when safety is an issue like pp mentioned. Its hard to fully disengage ahen they live with u full time. but I work during the day then come home and.just try and spend as much quality time with my son. A lot of times it just basically ignoring with some caution.