Why Do I Even Try?
I thought I would “check in” again and see if I can get some more insight and support from my fellow step parents. For those that have followed my blog and other posts, you may recall that when my NPD 30SS decided to blow up and drive a wedge between what was once a happy relationship between me and my DW, I had a real hard time with it. So much that after couples counseling and individual counseling I decided to seek medical treatment for depression. What a slippery slope that was. I do not have a chemical imbalance in my brain. What I do have is a wife that does not put our marriage first and is willing to sacrifice it to prove her love to her spoiled, self-centered, adult children.
Once I came to this realization I have done everything possible to get off the antidepressants (which was tough, but I have done it) and disengage from her children. But as many have found, when the marriage is not the priority there is resentment from your SO about how you feel about their children. It does not matter what they have done, you end up taking the heat for trying to regain your own sanity and self respect, while simultaneously trying to salvage what you thought was going to be a happy life with the person you committed your life to.
As a parent of two adult daughters, I can say they will always be part of my life. But only part of it because they have their lives and I have a life of my own, which they cannot dictate. That is not the case for my DW. So for everything I have done to try to grow from this horrible situation, I don’t know that it has made any difference. There are times that seem kind of like we were before, but there’s a cloud always overhead. As an example, we both share the same code for our phones because both of us had our first marriage go south because of a spouse that had a secret life. We both said we have no secrets and there’s nothing to hide on our phones. But now trust is gone because I noticed her unlock her phone with a different code. Really?
I asked her the other day if she felt things were better and that my support of her going to see her kids without me was better. She said it was, so I asked her if she thought any of this would help with the way her children view me. Her answer... “I don’t know, but not in the short term.” Fair enough, but that tells me she is in no way settling any boundaries for any of them or defending our marriage. Her daughter comes home for the holidays, and now “doesn’t feel comfortable being around me.” I don’t really care. But that means she will have my DW check the two of them into a hotel whenever she comes to town. Good. I have done nothing to her, but if that’s how she feels, she shouldn’t come here. But here’s my issue with that... She will come into town for a few days at Christmas (as always) and for the third year in a row, her kids will separate us for Christmas. I am really NOT okay with that because I told DW that is the holiday that holds a lot of significance for me and it’s the ONLY holiday I asked her to not leave me to go be with her kids (one of my boundaries I setup as part of disengagement). I wasn’t okay with it the first year, and my DW said “Once we are married, we won’t be split up at Christmas.” Then last year her NPD son arranged a “family Christmas” where I was specifically NOT invited. I was really not okay with that. Christmas is only one day out of the entire year, and Christmas dinner especially has significant meaning in my life. It’s ONE DAY that I asked her to have for just us because it’s her family that put all the conditions and ultimatums in place. It IS a deal breaker for me. If we make it to Christmas and this sh!t happens again, I will tell her to pack all of her stuff and to just not come back.
As many of you know, I have told her I want to go back to couples counseling, and she says she will go even though “it’s not her thing.” I told her I would let her pick the counselor and the date/time and would be there to listen and share my feelings. That has been over a month now and she still has not made the appointment. When I mentioned it as a topic my doctor brought up when helping me get off the antidepressant, her mood for the rest of that day and into the next was noticeably distant. I told her I wouldn’t press the issue, but still want her to pick the counselor and setup the appointment. I can see this is not going to happen, so it looks like I am going to make the appointment and see what happens.
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Why wait until Christmas? The
Why wait until Christmas? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Nothing has changed significantly enough for her to not be with her children at Christmas. If anything, she'll use your disengagement as an excuse to leave you on Christmas because "you don't want our family to be together".
If she won't schedule an appointment with a counselor, and if she is that ho-hummed about it, I'd say that it won't do any good. She'll go in, say what she wants you to hear or what will get the counselor off her back, and nothing will change.
The only person changing in this relationship is YOU. YOU are doing the work. YOU are trying to keep yourself sane. YOU are who will have your Christmas ruined yet again.
So why stay? She isn't interested in changing HER ways. If she was, she would actually be trying.
I agree
The ONLY reason I am waiting is to see if there is any change in the effort on her part. She claims this is hard on her because she has to keep everything separate. Not because of me, but I take the heat. She has given up nothing and continues to have her kids as her priority over our marriage. I’m not okay with that. If your kids need you, obviously you are there for them as any parent should be. But if they put conditions and ultimatums in place to split you apart, that’s not a need, that’s a sick, spoiled, self-centered child. As a parent, when my children behaved that way, they got nothing because that behavior is unacceptable. That’s being a parent, saying no is part of the job. Being best friends with them because their father cheated on you and left you with all the kids may seem like the right thing to do because you want to show them they are loved. But as that behavior continues, it is very unhealthy for everyone.
There is a grandchild due in September, so she is (I’m sure) scared of her son taking away her chance to be around the new baby and their 2 year old son. He already did that when he blew up 9 months ago. I honestly don’t know if we will make it to September. But I want to give couples counseling a chance. You are right in that if she is not invested in going, she won’t get anything out of it. It’s my last shot to see if this ends or we try to save it.
I have a couple of questions.
I have a couple of questions... and a couple of observations.
1. I did go back and skim your first posts and in one you said the kids called you a lesbian?... are you a woman and is this, in fact, your DW's first relationship with another woman or the first they were aware of? I'm not sure if I read that right on the other blog. While it "shouldn't" make a difference... if her kids are not approving of her sexuality you are the living embodiment of that and may be why it's hard for them to accept it/you.
2. Did your tell your wife you were disengaging? I always think that announcement is a big mistake because it does come off as an "attack" on their kids. It is a public announcement of you not accepting them. Disengaging I think is better when it is handled as the equivalent of ghosting... you just "live" it.. It's really more a mindset of not caring what the kids do or think. The fact that you still have all this resentment for them means that you still care.. so you haven't disengaged.. you have just announced to her you want nothing to do with them. Disengagement doesn't even necessarily mean not ever seeing them again.. it's doing it on your terms without expectations of any behavior or action from them.. you can even do things for them.. if it's in the pursuit of helping your spouse... but you do stuff for the love of your relatinship with spouse... not for the kid. (like picking up at school or cooking for the larger family that they will be taking part in the meal.
Now some observations.
1. Your wife hasn't made an appt because she doesn't want to go. She knows that a lot of the blame will fall on her side and probably doesn't want to hear it.
2. I see you are very invested in the idea of Christmas day.... I think that you are putting your wife in a difficult situation. You say she has 360 some other days a year.. but her kids WERE there before you and perhaps THEY also had a high importance for that day. At the very least, you should be able to share that day so that she can do something with you and her kids... maybe not together... but I don't think she is not prioritizing your marriage as much as her kids also have that need if it was a big family deal for them before too. I don't think there is a problem with wanting to be a priority... but it works both ways... her kids are ALSO priorities to her.. as well as your kids are to you.
In general, I don't think it's easy to win in absolute ultimatums... It also isn't necessarily your wife's job to make her kids respect or like you... she can't control everything they say or do. She also probably is averse to giving her kids ultimatums that might cause a rift. You have to see how that would be very difficult. Coupled with the fact that counseling isn't her thing.. sounds like head in the sand is. Your priority should be how to learn to not care about how others may view your relationship... and not give them space in your head. They don't live under your roof... so they shouldn't be a day to day issue and that should allow you and your wife to have a relationship separate and fulfilling on a day to day basis...
The son is the one playing
The son is the one playing the exclusion game, putting the wife in this "difficult situation." When a marraige has been sacrificed on the altar of a spoiled adult man baby, ultimatums are understandable. They make not work to effect the change OP wants, but it will work to find out if being second-rate and excluded on Christmas Day every year for the rest of time is something worth enduring for a selfish woman.
I'm assuming this exclusion
I'm assuming this exclusion is mutual and that OP wouldn't welcome her THREE kids in the home.. so the DW is in the middle. Her kids are her kids.. even if behaving badly. Christmas is about family and she is pulled between three children and her spouse that while it is said there are 360 days she can be with the kids, I am guessing the reality is she spends more time with OP over the space of a year. I am not advocating a forced kumbaya event... but OP and DW should be able to compromise on Christmas and perhaps do either every other year or split the day in some fashion. Kids shouldn't be horrible to new spouse... but neither should kids and spouse force the DW into a choice she feels realy has no right answer.
Why in the world would you
Why in the world would you assume the exclusion is mutual?
Because I am assuming OP
Because I am assuming OP doesn't want the kids in the home on Christmas either...due to prior treatment. I'm not saying that one exclusion might be more or less warranted but I don't think that OP wants DW's kids in the home right now. DW goes outside the home to see them.. which seems to be somewhat mutual with both OP and the skids prefering it.
They have been welcome
And until about 6 weeks ago when I went full disengagement, they were welcome. Her NPD son is NOT welcome here until he can grow up and show common respect.
I don't blame you for feeling
I don't blame you for feeling that way at all....
To be clear
I have tried numerous times to make amends and come up with a workable solution to the situation her NDP son has setup. I told her that they could come here, or if they “had to have her” on Christmas, drop the exclusion and just be cordial. I already gave up 2 Christmas in a row and I am giving up Thanksgiving every year. It one freaking day! I have told her to go see her kids as often and for as long as she wants. I am now building a separate life from my marriage because I am not going to sit here and wait for her. This is NOT what any marriage should be like.
I'm assuming this exclusion
dupe
I am a man
Her man-child son went completely off the rails and hurled every insult he could think of at me.
She's not interested in
She's not interested in salvaging your marriage. She hasn't picked a counselor of her own choosing and she's not willing to compromise with you on Christmas which she previously said once you both were married you can be together. She's not a woman of her word and the writings on the wall.
This statement here would have done it for me: Her answer... “I don’t know, but not in the short term.” Fair enough, but that tells me she is in no way settling any boundaries for any of them or defending our marriage.
She's not fighting for you. There's no way to save this marriage if you're the only one that wants it. Wishing you much strength!
Here are a few of the lessons
Here are a few of the lessons I learned in the past year:
* Couples counselling does not work if only one party is committed to it. The non-interested party is doing it to placate the other, buy time, go through the motions. (I was the non-interested party and I was not going to change my mindset for my husband.)
* Living in hope that things will change (because YOU need it to) without seeing consistent effort on the part of your spouse to change is deluding yourself with a lie because you can not and will not face the truth of who your spouse really is. Hope is a dangerous thing. It makes you lie to yourself.
* It is not right to ask someone to change who they are. It is not right to ask someone to change their relationship with family members because you want a happy marriage. Your spouse/partner should want to do it of their own free will. For you. For your marriage. Asking when the wrongs have been pointed out time and time again boils down to begging. Why subject yourself to the indignity of begging someone to be with you, change for you? Are you, as a person, not worth the change after frank discussion? If you have to constantly ask, know that you aren't.
*It is a two way street to make a marriage work. Resentment builds when you are the person making all the compromises and what is important to you. When your spouse will not give in on things that matter to you, know that you are being used. You are a means to an end for them. To continue how they want to live - regardless of how you feel.
*I refused to be caught in the middle of a battle between my husband and his adult daughter. It went on for long enough. Good sense told me it would never change. My husband was happy to enable destructive behaviour. She was after all his daughter.There was always an excuse as to why he would never hold her accountable, treat her like an adult, put her in her place. Choose our marriage over coddling an adult daughter. He made his choice through his words and actions, over and over again. I was gracious enough to let him have that choice. I wasn't going to stand in his way. I also wasn't going to be second to any one else for the rest of my life.
* Love is not it all it takes to make a marriage or partnership work. Love is a verb. It is an action. The things your partner or spouse does will tell you if they love you. Or "love" you for what you provide, do and say for them. I love my STBXH. It is not enough to make my marriage work. I don't hate him. I am at the point where I feel sorry for the person he is. Pity is not attractive.
Either I am worthy of being someone's spouse or I am not. Being my spouse comes with certain conditions. Meet them or leave...
^^ THIS ^^
I agree with everything you say here. Love is a verb and it takes effort on both sides to make it work, even in the best of circumstances. With all this drama, it’s absolutely essential for both parties to put forth effort and work together. But that would mean making the marriage a priority.
I too love my spouse, but that’s not enough. I won’t be second to anyone else because I deserve more than that. I feel sorry for the whole dysfunctional family and pity my DW that she cannot live her own life. I really thought she was stronger than that.
Everyone covered basically
Everyone covered basically everything... But my two cents...
You need to have a serious chat with your DW. Any spouse that's okay going somewhere that their spouse isn't welcome seriously needs to re-evaluate their priorities. Particularly on an important holiday to you like Christmas. That makes me mad for you. She should NEVER be okay with the fact you aren't invited or welcome. If you aren't, then as your spouse and PARTNER she needs to take a stand and decline the invite as well. She can still do it politely, but she shouldn't feed into it by going without you.
I agree
I never thought this marriage would make me so unhappy. I feel totally betrayed and duped by what we talked about leading up to the wedding. I know things happen and you need to be able to role with the punches, but these are big things to me that tell me that this is a mistake.