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It’s Done

SoDisappointed's picture

I tried one last time to explain how my now STBXW how her actions of leaving me for 3 days to stay in a hotel (a mile from our house) to be with her DD is hurtful and makes me feel like I mean nothing to her. Her response to my question of what are you doing to try to make things better? “I can’t fix it”, which means she is doing nothing and this will not change. Tomorrow would be our anniversary, but instead it will be the end. I have too much life left and love to give, but not to someone that puts me second, makes her kids bratty behavior my fault, and expects me to just be ok with it all. 

So it’s done. Sad reality that these shortsighted people that think they want to married to someone of their own choosing cannot see how twisted their relationship is when their kids can actually destroy their marriage. 


thebrokenrecordmachine's picture

I am so sorry to read that your marriage is ending...I hope your doing okay. It is a harsh slap in the face, when we ask questions, we may not want to know the answers too, such as your question, "what are we going to do to fix it?" and her response, "I can't". I have been where you are, but in a different way- i had a cheating the end, he was the one to leave me.- which devastated me to the core.
As you have stated, you are in control of your own destiny and you have a right to happiness and a loving relationship.

My mother told me, in response to my SOs past baggage, his kids and his nutty ex wife, "bloods thicker than water". I didnt really understand what that meant, and i began arguing with her- "what are you implying?", so your saying that, "if i meet someone else, their family will always come first and ill be second?" I thought that was BS and if thats the way it is, id rather be single, if im going to chronically be put second. (This hasnt happened yet, but it was a forewarning to me) 

Unfortunately, for you and your stbxw more, is he relationship comes first, family second. That doesnt mean that you feed kids last or if there is imminent danger you put them last. But the relationship should trump all (unless danger lol). It seems your wife is going to have to learn that lesson the third time, maybe even the fourth time, she may never even get it. 
If you cant see her changing, than its best for you to not waste any time and start living. Her kids will always be drags until she sets boundaries.
I know how step kids are, and most of the time its not fun and games.
Best of luck in your journey to recovering and healing, you will find someone who values you and puts you first :).

SoDisappointed's picture

Unfortunately my STBXW has no idea that putting the marriage as a priority does not mean abandoning her kids. And she is so entrenched in giving them everything as a way to show her love that she just throws everything else away. Including her self respect, happiness, and her marriage. 

Some people love the idea of being in love and want all the perks without the work. I feel sorry for the whole bunch but I cannot give up my life to be part of something that will bring me nothing but hurt, resentment, and frustration. 

Im sad because I can actually say I have fallen out of love with her because what we had was so rare and special, and she is not willing to even try. I can’t be with someone that won’t even try. 

Time to move on with my life, whatever that turns out to be. 

thebrokenrecordmachine's picture

Your definitely on the right path- especially mentally- it can take a toll. I too wouldnt want to be with someone that wouldnt try either, it says a lot about how they feel about us...however, some people can change and maybe you two could work it out, but it would take much know the best path to take for you. 
Best of Luck!

SoDisappointed's picture

It was special and it was real. But not enough to overcome the selfish “needs” of children that cannot just be happy for someone that gave them so much. But I think that’s the root of it all. She gave so much to them that it’s all she knows. A shame that some people can’t put themselves (or their marriage) as something truely important in their life. 

fairyo's picture

I'm sorry but not sorry- a few months ago I was where you are now, doing all I could to keep alive a relationship that was already dead. He too, would not listen and would do nothing to help us come together.

I did everything but beg, for his sake as much as mine, but there was no giving. I think he had made up his mind months if not years before, and when I realised that all the feelings he had ever had for me were gone, I walked.

Now I can hardly remember what he sounded like- he rarely taked to me anyway- and I am busy getting on with my new life. I am utterly grateful for my close friends and family who are there for me all the time. 

Life will bring you things you never thought of, so move on with confifdence in yourself and someone wiill come along you has the sense to put you first. I hope so.

classyNJ's picture


Give rose


Siemprematahari's picture

I have no doubt that whatever you decide will be what's best for you. You've been struggling with this for a while and you have finally reached the "I'm Done" moment. I can imagine how sad this makes you feel but you know deep down that its the best thing you can do. You shouldn't be placed 2nd and the fact that she said "I can't fix it" says where she stands in this.

Wishing you much strength in moving forward.

oneoffour's picture

I know this must be a kick in the *insert location*.

Just one thing I noticed from a previous post... this is your 3rd marriage. And the same scenario where you are treated as a 2nd class citizen. Please, before you date again please get to a therapist. You need to work out why you keep doing this to yourself.

SoDisappointed's picture

not my third marriage. My second. And last. It will take quite a lot for me to commit to marriage ever again. 

SoDisappointed's picture

It all came to a head and I can do nothing right. Whatever I say is an attack against her family. I cannot live my life as someone’s disappointment and constantly have everything I do be turned against me. I don’t know this person anymore and she clearly has no feelings for me. She has made her choice and it’s not me that made her choose, that’s on her kids. She can keep telling herself that I am all the things she hears from her kids because that makes it easier than admitting they are being rude, selfish, and spoiled little brats. It’s finally over and I know there will be a sense of relief as I pick up the pieces of my shattered life and move on. Alone. Guess we fell into the 72% of second marriages that fail. I tried, but it really takes two to make any marriage work. When you add in three spoiled kids that want to break it up and a mother that puts her kids above the marriage, it has little chance of ever succeeding. Done. 

StepUltimate's picture

Just read your blog & hope that you are taking great care of yourself and doing well.