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So done with this

SoDisappointed's picture

So... Tuesday is my one year, and probably last, anniversary unless something changes. My 24SD came into town and since “she is not comfortable staying here”, like I care at this point, DW has checked her into a hotel. That’s fine with me because until she can respect her her mother and my marriage, she isn’t welcome here anyway. This is not something I have shared with DW because I just play the disengagement thing and say, “hmm, ok. That’s nice”, and then change the subject. 

Here is where this gets to be too much. DW is also staying at the hotel. WHY? Because her children, and that’s how refer to them now because that’s how they behave, matter more to her than our marriage. If she keeps sacrificing our marriage to prove her undying love to her children, then the marriage will end. A marriage is a commitment and if she is unwilling to commit, or thinks her children mean more than our marriage, then she should spend the rest of her life with them instead of pretending to be married.

i am in my 60s and have lots of life and love to give, but I have been in one sided relationships before. That’s what led to my first divorce and will probably lead to my second. I am not going to be anyone’s second choice or convienence. I deserve more than that. I have tried to be supportive and tried disengagement only to have it viewed as weakness and as an opportunity to gain more ground in the skids sh!tty treatment of me and disrespect of my marriage. If it means so little to everyone except me, then why am I trying so hard? It only leads to me being left for days whenever the skids “need”my DW.

And what about my feelings? I can find things to do and fill my days with other things I do alone, and actually have good days by myself. But if that’s the case, why be married? I shouldn’t have to “fill my day” with other stuff. That’s not why I got married. I work all week and actually look forward to spending the weekend with my wife. But when I get tossed aside Ike yesterday’s newspaper, it makes me feel that I am not valued. Is that any way to feel in any relationship? And is that what I want out of a marriage? Short answer - NO. So on our anniversary I will tell my DW that I love her, but if this is what marriage to her is going to be like, I don’t want to be married anymore. It’s time for the come to Jesus talk. I am going to make an appointment with a marriage counselor, tell her about it, and if she wants to come along she can.  

I can’t go on like this anymore. I am able to separate my life from her children, but I cannot accept her checking out whenever her children are being needy. She keeps saying I am expecting her to deliver an ultimatum to her children. If standing up for your husband and marriage is an ultimatum, then she and I are clearly on separate pages when it comes to what a marriage is and this is done. My marriage vows actually mean something to me, certainly enough to not let my daughters run my life and ruin my marriage. And I guess that ultimately that would be the big difference between my DW and I.

One year does not seem like a lifetime, but does seem like long enough to put up with this kind of emotional abuse. I did my best, but in the end it takes two to make a marriage work.

Comments

fairyo's picture

It sounds a sif you are getting closer to making that decision- and good for you! I know how you have considered this over the past few weeks and clearly nothing at all has changed.

That 'pretending' to be married, yes, so many of us go through that. With my X it was pretence all the way, and since we split there has been no hint from him that we even ever had a relationship- it is clear now that he only ever saw me as a relacement mother to his children, even though they were grown-up .Once he knew I couldn't fulfill that role he discarded me.

Disengagement can sometimes bring a couple closer together, but the price you pay for your sanity is that it can also shatter that relationship. It allows the truth, that the relationship was not on firm foundations in the first place, completely invalid.

You are so right, we should not have to fill our days with other stuff to compensate for what is missing- loyalty, understanding, consideration,  and love.

I hope the counselling helps, it certainly helps to be able to offer her the opportunity to say her truth, which in my case just revealed itself as the truth that my X didn't love me and probably never had.

Yes, they are prepared to let their kids dictate what they do with their lives, this is the saddest thing of all- that for some reason best known to themselves, they cannot let go of being a 'parent.' It becomes their whole personality,it is what they are.

I put up with the emotional abuse for just over a year- I did it because I loved him, but had to come to realise like you, that one-sided love is meaningless in a relationship.

Good luck,you deserve to be happy.

marblefawn's picture

Therapy is an excellent idea. If it doesn't mend the marriage, it will help you move on. Good luck. I know this isn't how you planned for things to go, but you're right -- you've plenty of time to find a better life for yourself with or without someone else.

fustratedintexas's picture

That struck a cord with me. That is what I have been doing. When his kids are needy, whiney or whatever mood they are in, I am thrown aside and led to be believe, "you are the adult here." *diablo*  Good grief.  This morning was a bloody tampon in the guest bathroom everyone uses. Gross.  I am not "being reasonable". Give me a break. Gross! Glad you are having the talk with here! 

SoDisappointed's picture

It all came to a head and I can do nothing right. Whatever I say is an attack against her family. I cannot live my life as someone’s disappointment and constantly have everything I do be turned against me. I don’t know this person anymore and she clearly has no feelings for me. She has made her choice and it’s not me that made her choose, that’s on her kids. She can keep telling herself that I am all the things she hears from her kids because that makes it easier than admitting they are being rude, selfish, and spoiled little brats. It’s finally over and I know there will be a sense of relief as I pick up the pieces of my shattered life and move on. Alone. Guess we fell into the 72% of second marriages that fail. I tried, but it really takes two to make any marriage work. When you add in three spoiled kids that want to break it up and a mother that puts her kids above the marriage, it has little chance of ever succeeding. Done.