I have been living with my SO for going on 2 years. He has custody of his 2 sons (14 and 8 years old) from his marriage and has a 3 year old boy who lives out of state with his mom. My main issue is not so much with the kids as it is with the ex wife. I have refused to trash talk her, though I really dislike all the crap she has pulled (she just filed for an order of protection alleging that SO has been physically and emotionally abusing her and the boys for the past 9 years, which comes on the heels of the report that she filed stating he tried to run her over while he was with me). My SO has been in and out of court for the past 6 years starting with the divorce, and now currently because he is now going for full custody as she does not adhere to current visitation order, plus she owes now over a year of child support and does not buy the boys hardly anything, unless it's their birthday. She is currently trying to convince the boys to say they live with her so that she "doesn't go to jail" because "their dad wants her money" and she doesn't mind paying CS but she told the kids she would prefer to give it to them directly (her excuse for not paying CS).

Of course, the boys love her regardless and come back every weekend talking about all the disney parenting crap she did with them. While they were going through the divorce, she had custody so SO did not fight for the house and instead got himself a 2 bedroom apartment. The boys always talk about how comfortable they are over there and what they have over there and always ask when we are getting a house. This of course chaps my ass as I am resentful that ex wife now has a complete house to herself while SO has to raise the boys in a 2 bedroom apartment. The kicker to this all is that we cannot move more than 25 miles of where she lives without her consent. We currently live in NYC so I shouldn't have to tell you all that it doesn't leave us with much options.

The issue I have is that I feel like he is self sacrificing for the kids. I feel that a lot of what he has done has been for his first 2 children. I can understand that he needed to go for custody because ex wife was an unfit parent after they divorced and when she found out he was in a relationship with someone else (the BM of the 3 year old). However, this court thing is a lot to handle. He goes at least twice a month, for custody, visitation, and to defend himself from whatever false thing she decides to accuse him of. He can't even move to a better area because of the order. It all boiled down to me telling him that sometimes you have to cut the limb to save the tree.
What I mean by that is that the children have lived with him consistently for the past 3 years or so. Ex wife is so toxic and batshit postal that she ran off BM by falsely accusing her of beating her up. BM told SO at that time she could not handle Ex wife and was leaving out of state and she wanted SO to go with her. SO hadn't been granted custody yet and he felt that leaving would defeat the purpose of all he had invested in getting custody. So BM leaves with their then year old son so that SO could continue fighting for custody for the first two. He has been stuck in court with ex wife ever since.
I feel that at the very least, he should not have to be forced into staying within 25 miles of ex wife because he made the mistake of having 2 kids with the wrong person. She continues to use the kids as a way to get to him, even though they haven't been together in a relationship for 8 years. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life trying to figure out what she is going to do or say next, but I don't want to lose a man who is this compatible with me over someone else's actions. He wants to get married and have kids, so do I. I'm just not willing to do it under these circumstances and in a 2 bedroom apartment so close to ex wife. I am wondering if any of you out there have thoughts on how you handle this (assuming you're even in this unlikely scenario). Ideally, I want to move out of state, where it is affordable to have a decent sized house but if he does that, she's going to say he kidnapped the kids and he is in jeopardy of losing his children because we all know she's not going to just agree to having the kids move. However, I explained to him that I cannot pay for his divorce. He already let a good woman walk out of his life with his child because he was fighting for the first two. I don't want to be in that position. I explained to him that as much of a good man he is, any woman who gets with him will have to deal with these same issues, is he willing to allow his life to go by without a companion because he "can't" move? I told him, the kids are old enough to choose who they will go with if shit hits the fan if we move. I think he's afraid she has a shot of winning custody again. I pose the question to you all again, please give me your opinion on this situation. I'll take it all, good, bad, or ugly.