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DH repeating the same mistakes

SM12's picture

For background DH has three sons.   The older two are majority PAS’d out.  They will have nothing to do with him.  They are rude nasty entitled jerks who treated him like an atm.   And DH allows it.  He kissed their butt, allowed them to rule the roost until they finally lost every ounce of respect for him because he has zero backbone.   Honestly we lucked out when they stopped coming over. 

So far YSS12 still comes around.  I see hints that BM is beginning the PAS but I expect we may get one more year before he is fully gone.  However, instead of DH learning from his mistakes and actually being a parent to this last chance kid, he is afraid to open his mouth and parent him or YSS will “stop talking to him too”.   Good lord...let’s just cut to the chase and end things with YSS now instead of being out through the same torture from the older two.  Lord knows at his rate, YSS will learn that DH has zero backbone and lose an respect for him too.   

Luckiky YSS isn’t a terrible kid.  He is just in that “know it all” preteen stage where he is annoying as hell.   Give it another 6-12

months and I predict BM will have him acting just as nasty as the older two.


tog redux's picture

My DH did parent his son, and it did push him away.  SS18 returned now twice from being totally alienated for years, and both times has left again because DH tried to parent him. DH is not his ATM and doesn't beg him to come over and try to buy him.

I think SS probably does have some respect for DH, but the result is the same - they have no relationship.

I don't want DH to coddle or try to buy his son, but it is a hard thing to keep being a parent when the kids are given so much power by the other parent.

Monkeysee's picture

Yep. My DH refused to buy his long estranged daughter’s love & she simply stopped talking to him (not that they spoke much, but still). I think if a kid is going to be PAS’d there’s not much you can do about it. 

Step-girlfriend's picture

Ha, we were just talking about the know-it-all pre-teen stage on my last blog. Holy crap is it annoying.

There is just something so sad and pathetic about a grown man allowing kids to do whatever they want because they're "afraid" their kids won't talk to them. Apparently they don't know how parenting works. And then to not learn from mistakes... so unattractive.

Notup4it's picture

I’m just going to say.... it does NOT matter how your DH parents, the result will be the exact same NO MATTER WHAT. 

It has zero to do with your DH, it has everything to do with a BM hell bent on breaking up the relationship.  

He can be a pushover and they will lose respect; he can parent and it will be that he is horrible and cruel: it can be somewhere in the middle and they will hang on to Something.... Anything he said or did (real or imagined) that can be that nail in the coffin. There is zero you can do to stop this crazy train. 

The relationship is tarnished by outside forces and brainwashing.... which just becomes part of who they are.  Your DH could be anyone and do anything and he would be met with the same result. 

The fact that he also has siblings already alienated really just cements the whole thing.... they then don’t only get it from mom but older siblings as well. 

SM12's picture

I agree that BM will eventually start the PAS process with YSS.   My issue is that based on how DH dealt with the older two, they lost respect for him long before they were totally gone.   My thinking is to try it differently this time.   And yes, BM will do everything in

her power to crush DH.   Pretty ridiculous considering she is the one who had the affair and left.   She is guilt parenting.   These kids are going to be totally screws up.

Notup4it's picture

No trust me it won’t matter.... because of the situation that is already in place and in motion if he parents he will be pushed out even more quickly. 

That was what happened to my DH just like Thinkthrice.  He was disneydad out of fear and so went for the “parenting angle” with the remaining and the kids were gone even more quickly and aggressively.... it won’t help, and will just make for a quicker and more angry exit. 

If he has any contact with his kid I would look up tactics to combat alienation (things he can say that will stick) because it will just be a matter of time before he is gone too... and you want something to stay with them so possibly down the road they will realize what happened.  

thinkthrice's picture

Chef disney dadded the oldest two, tried parenting...youngest PASed out about one year after the oldest two.


thinkthrice's picture

damned if you don't parent.  Because the "system" gives 100 percent power to the CP GUBM, doesn't recognize PAS and views dad as a walking wallet, PASout is often inevitable. 

Lndsy747's picture

Agree with the others. SO has always been a pretty good parent but once SD learned she could run back to BM any time something she didn't like happened at our house it went downhill fast. There is no solution for PAS.

One thing I feel like we should have done differently earlier was stating facts about what was happening. SO always tried to take the high road and think that SD will eventually see BM for who she is but SD has always been so brainwashed and BM can do no wrong in her eyes. I'm not sure it would have helped.