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PTSD from stephell

SM12's picture

I will try to be brief and forgive Mis-spellings as I am on my phone.

Been married 10 years to DH.  He has three DS's from prior marriage...ages 25 20 and 16.   After I came Into the picture and we got Married BM and her SO started PAS bad.  Older two were PASd out by the time they were 14.   Youngest still comes over but I'm starting to see signs of PAS.

OSS was never confrontational with DH but just ghosted him years ago.  No contact for at least 6-7 years.   MSS was the mean one who really tore DHs heart out with all the mean nasty vile comments.   Over the past year MSS an DH have tried to work on things but MSS will come back with nasty treatment out of no where and they end up not speaking again.   And YSS has been starting to follow in their footsteps.  Ghosting DH and then finally being confrontational.

Through it all I have kept completely silent.  I never spoke a bad word to any of the SS's despite my fury at them.   I was constantly being the blame for all Things wrong with the world.   Examples...I didn't make them breakfast (when they were teens and slept till noon), I didnt buy them things like a real parent (despite me being sole provider for my own child) , I didn't buy their favorite snacks...

I will admit I wasn't always perfect.  I would t push them to talk to me when they would ignore me in my own home.  They would walk out of any room I walked into, etc.

Early on it caused a lot of drama between DH and I.  BM expected me to be her nanny (I work from home) and to be available anytime she wanted to drop them off.  I put my foot down and said no once she took advantage.  DH didn't take my side and would try to keep the peace with BM.  I held firm.  
Eventually the Older two SSs stopped coming and our marriage and lives because so much better.  No more fighting or tension.  Our marriage is now amazing.

This morning my DH tells me that OSS reached out and wants to talk.   I will admit my blood pressure went sky high and I started to have a panic attack.  The thought of him coming back into our lives just causes me immediate anxiety. I swear I have PTSD from the years of crap I dealt with.   
 

Im so worried he is only coming back to tell off DH for whatever made up bullcrap is in his head from the years is PAS.   And I am sure somehow I will be blamed as well.   MSS did this about a month ago and I am so worried OSS is. Is taking his turn.   Mainly because I feel BM and her SO are really working hard to PAS YSS so they are getting the older two in on it as backup. 
 

Am I over reacting?  Is it possible OSS has come around after all these years?   My gut is telling me to hold on for crap.  And I honestly don't think my marriage will survive if they come back into our lives.   I can't live like that anymore and refuse to be unhappy to pacify grown adult children.  
 

Am I over reacting????  PTSD is a real in Stephell!

Comments

reedle2021's picture

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  No, I personally don't think you are overreacting.  I would say to keep your guard up - it sounds like historically these attempts by his kids at forging a relationship with him have backfired.  OSS might very well be doing what the other kids have done.  OSS might also be coming around because he wants something?  I wonder too if BM has been putting the kids up to behaving this way by telling kids bad things about you and DH that aren't true?  On the other hand, it sucks but wait, OSS might surprise you (but I doubt it).  Try to keep an open mind but be ready to speak up if OSS tries to start drama. 

Being a step parent sucks and it's sad your DH's kids are doing this to him. Sad

Hang in there!  We are all here to support you!

SM12's picture

Thank you!!!   When MSS started taking to DH again I wasn't as concerned and mainly because I knew eventually MSS would be an irrational jerk again soon enough and that is what happened.   I know what to expect from MSS so I wasn't too phased.   I have zero clue what OSS is up to.  Before he PASd out completely he would come around only when he wanted something.    But he never did say mean things or mis treat my DH.  He just ghosted him.   We never did know why. 
I guess I will just have to wait and see.  Honestly it may never even happen.  Maybe OSS will just go back to his life and forget about us again.   
He has been away from BM/SO for a while now so fingers crossed he isn't under their spell.  But I am not optimistic.   He was always Team BM no matter what she did. 

thank you again for the supper.   I am sure I will Be back with an update soon enough.

CajunMom's picture

PAS is very difficult to overcome. And with what is happening with your youngest SS, your assumptions are probably more correct than you over reacting. Your oldest SS is coming in to "amp" it up.

I have dealt with the impact of PAS by a crazy BM (now dead) that continued with her adult children (PAS can be generational). It IS devestating, especially to the new wife/SO who must not only witness it being done to their SO/DH but also being a target and impacted directly. 

I made the decision four years ago to completely cut off from DHs kids. Between the BM, the oldest daughter and son, I could not take it anymore. I was sick physically and mentally and it took nearly 3 years of intense counseling and self help to recover from the damage done to myself. I take ownership in this, having stayed in the game way too long. Today, I have a mostly peaceful marriage; just a few blips here and there with StepHell.

My suggestion would be to tell your DH to meet his son away from the marital home until you and he can clearly see if the son has had a change of heart (it can happen) and changed behavior. If not, your DH needs to keep his relationship wit his son to himself and away from you. This is a boundary that was set in our counseling...DH sees his kids outside our home.

I am of the mindset - people can change.  And if DHs kids can make changes that I can see, I would not be against some sort of reunification. But again...I must see changed behavior which has not presented even yet. DH has one of his adult kids local for a month and she has not been to our home. Not sure what she's telling everyone (as to why she isn't staying with her dad) but I don't care. The people who know ME know her words are lies and those that don't know me and beleive her (and all of DHs kids) don't MATTER anyway. Take care of yourself. And your marriage. I agree...I cannot go back to what was.

SM12's picture

I agree with everything you said.   I have told DH all along he can have a relationship with the older two SSs but it does not have to involve me.  I have done really well considering their constant attacks early in and stopped caring what they thought or said about me.   I'm not sure why this news of oss reaching out hit me so hard.   But I plan to stand my ground.  
I guess because my marriage has been so great since their absence, I worry they will swoop in and DH will decide they are worth leaving me over.  I know it is unrealistic and honestly not something I could change even if it were to happen.   
It is just survival instinct from PTSD after years of emotional and verbal abuse from stephell.  

Dogmom1321's picture

The whole PTSD from years of stepparenting is real! We haven't had conflict with BM in years... we have both gray rocked her. Even though it's been at least 5 years since she caused my life hell (stalking me at work, threatening messages, etc.) I feel like I break out in a rash when she is mentioned. She has almost fully PAS SD11. Caused DH and myself so much anxiety... I don't even like her name being mentioned. 

JRI's picture

My SKs weren't PAS'd, actually it was the opposite where BM slowly dropped them all on us full time.  Of course, she was knocking us the whole time and blaming us for every thing that went wrong.  I had PTSD, still do, 

But as to your OSS, my guess is it has to do with money.  At 25, is it college?  Is it car?  Is it debt?  I hope I'm wrong and it's an amiable meeting and the whole situation magically improves.

I hate to sound so cynical but I have a 60-yo SD who is still financially dependent on dad's guilty feelings about how his divorce affected her.  Is your DH prone to guilt parenting?

SM12's picture

I will admit he was a guilty parent early on which caused us major concern conflicts because he didn't have the money to buy all the guilt gifts.   He finally out his foot down and stopped that which escalated the PAS and caused OSS to ghost him.   OSS is launched and out of school, working.   So I cant imagine it is money.  But even if it is about that, DH has turned into a tightwad and won't fall for that.  Plus he knows he will have to deal with me if he thinks he is handing out cash.   
 My gut says it is a bitch session to tel DH how horrible he is. He was actually a good dad.   Parented out of guilt but got them whenwvtit was his time and did his best.   

CLove's picture

i certainly have PTSD from Feral Forger Sd22, who will be visiting the area soon, because her long-distance boyfriend lives in the area. Shes been so mean in so many ways, and I dont expect her to reach out and apologize ever. 

Id be wary. They need to be assumed guilty until proven innocent.

SM12's picture

Even if OSS apologized....and I don't think that will happen...it doesn't change all the years of abuse.  It will take a lot of action to make up for the crap I dealt with

CajunMom's picture

While I don't expect any apologies and even if they do, it won't undo the years of damage. There is way too much distrust of  them and I'm sure I'll always be on alert any time they would be near me.  I've often thought about if they made a turn around, what would I do? At this point, I see nothing but civil and superficial. I don't ever see them staying overnight in our home and I don't see myself doing anything personal with them. At best, greeting them, saying a few words and then disappearing. 

SM12's picture

This is exactly where I am with YSS.   Since the older two have cut us out, I have zero communication with them or even see them.   With YSS, he treats me like I don't exist.  There was a short time where he would treat me civil and even say "love you" when he left.  I replied in mind but I didn't feel it.  I always felt guarded.  Because I knew what was coming.   I have zero desire to ever have MSS or OSS ever in my home again.   I will let them see DH outside the home but I refuse to allow that disrespect in my own home any longer.