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Double Standard

SM12's picture

i haven’t posted much lately, mainly because things in step hell have been pretty quiet.  Still no contact from OSS or MSS.   But I’m not too upset by that.

YSS still comes 50% of the week so DH is happy about that.  

DH recently changed jobs and his new company had their Christmas party this past weekend.  DH told YSS12 we would be going to the party (DH didn’t really have a choice) and maybe he could find a friend to spend the night with instead.   YSS shows up Friday evening with a friend to stay at our house instead. DH was grumpy about it since there was no prior discussion about it but got over it soon enough.   Saturday rolls around and YSS is upset that DH has to be gone that evening.  He is actually in tears over it despite the fact he totally ignored DH all Friday evening.   DH decided since YSS hadn’t made plans to stay with a friend, he would be fine at home alone for a few hours.  Well after YSS started his crybaby act,

yss text BM who arranged a play date for YSS.   Then BM jumps all over DH for not “telling her” we

were going to be out Saturday night.  

So much is wrong with this scenario. 

1.  YSS is old enough to plan his own sleep overs and had a week to do so.

2.  YSS is old enough to be left alone for a few hours 

3.  BM pawns YSS off for weekends at a time and has never contacted us with her plans so why would we give her our itinerary??

4.  Just another example of BM having two sets of standards... one for her and different standards for DH. 

And finally..BM and YSS act as if we can never plan anything if it is our time with YSS.  She forgets we have him 50% of the time.  And only went to the party because DH was told he had to attend.   Yet BM plans many outings and vacations on her time with YSS and we never ask or care what she is doing.    

Doublw standard much BM???


Survivingstephell's picture

It amazes me how BM's get all bent out of shape when Dad has to work but forgets that he does that so he has CS to give to her.  

It also amazes me that your DH didn't shut this down.  Then again, not surprised.  Most men won't shut it down.  

SM12's picture

I agree. If he would have started shutting her down from the beginning, he would most likely still have a relationship with his oldest two.   

However,  he has improved some.  He just ignores her now instead of jumping through hoops to make her happy.   So that’s progress...slow progress but progress 

advice.only2's picture

Remind YSS of this anytime he wants to do anything a normal 12 year old would do:
"Well I don't know YSS remember that time you cried like a baby and had to call your mommmy to set you up a playdate...I don't think you are old enough to do this since you still need mommy to wipe up your tears and set up your friends for you."

SM12's picture

YSS hid his tears from me.  He knows I call him out on it when he cries like a baby over stupid stuff.   He was just manipulating the situation just like the older two did.    

ESMOD's picture

I'm gonna play devil's advocate here.  maybe a 12 year old that bursts into tears spontaneously.. isn't old enough to be taking responsibility for finding his own place to be that night.. and maybe isn't really up to being left all alone.  12 can certainly be old enough for a lot of kids to be more independent... but I think you will find a lot of people saying that it is a little young to be left alone at night.. or at least late at night.. and for more than a few hours.  I'm guessing that the party might have meant 3-4 hours and went on at night. 

What I think would have been a good idea for his dad is if he had followed up with his son.  Remember, I have to go to a work event for a few hours on Saturday night.. have you found a friend to hang out with? or do you want me to get someone to come stay with you.  By assuming the kid was going to arrange his own care.. it may have been a bridge too far..and it sounds like the kid is maybe acting on the young side of things.  Now.. dad does not need to consult with mom on this.. but I think he could have been a little more proactive to ensure that something was planned.. instead of letting things just roll on and the last minute frantic dash around.

SM12's picture

I do agree that some 12 year olds are not mature enough to be left alone.  However, BM leaves YSS alone all day in the summer while she works.   He is a pretty good kid most of the time.  He doesn’t get stupid or risky things and spends most of his time on the Xbox.    And yes, DH did check in with YSS more than once about where he wanted to spend the night.   YSS has no issues planning Sleep overs since he just asked for his friend to stay on Friday night.   YSS spends the night with buddies a lot when he is with BM.    I do agree that DH could have been more proactive and made arrangements for him to stay at a friend himself once he realizes YSS wasn’t doing it on his own.   My DH is a procrastinator at times.  

I don’t think the time of night was an issue.  The dinner started at 6:30 and we could have been home by 9.  It didn’t have to be an all nighter.   

YSS is the master at crocodile tears.   I saw him burst into tears over not liking the pair of jeans he was wearing.   DH and BM used to be bad at catering to him when he sobs but have both been trying to not do that as much.   And it rarely happens anymore.   The reality of it is...YSS just wanted DH to stay home so he could play Xbox all night.   

CLove's picture

And sometimes she prefers it, because she has the entire house to herself and quiet time. We never stay away more than 3 hours when shes home and Im always checking in on her to make sure shes ok. And she gets takeout chinese when we take off, so added bonus.

Biggrin Sounds like hes a bit on the "younger" side of 12. Plus hes learned some bad habits along the way.

Isnt it a pre-requisit for high conflict BMs to have double standards for us all? Toxic Troll can beat her kid, but Im abusive if I tell the kid shes being disrespectful. Toxic Troll can stay home all the time and not do anything with Munchkin, at all, but the second I do ANYTHING nice for her, she is jealous and mad. Cannot win, but its ok, Im not playing anyway.