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Missing the Milestones

SM12's picture

I won’t lie...my life and marriage have been 100 times better since my OSS21 and MSS16 have been PAS’d out by BM.  It’s amazing how much different our house feels now.  However, with all good things comes a price.  

For the most part municipal DH has gone through the phases of grief over losing his older

sons in his life.  They are not good people and frankly he does like them, but loves them because he is their father.  He doesn’t mope around and talk about them regularly and he seems to be able to let it go and enjoy his life.   At least that is until he sees that he is missing their milestones.   

He gets sad when he sees MSS is starting to drive and he isn’t there to help.  He misses congratulating MSS on his exceptional baseball game or prom.  He aches when he hears (after the fact) that OSS is doing amazing at his internship in college and knows he will not be invited when he graduates next year.   These are the times he struggles.  And because the next two years will come with Many missed milestones, I feel for DH.  He didn’t cause or ask for their estrangement.   

So it is just sad that the thing which causes our life and marriage so much happiness can also cause so much pain.   

How can I make these times of struggle for DH easier to get through??  Any suggestions?

Comments

Harry's picture

With a BM who PAS’d there kids.  I can understand that he feels bad that he dug his own grave.  There nothing anybody can do.  Just hope that the kids will see the light when they get older ?  But as long BM has any influences on her kids.  I don’t think that will happen 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Who, me?

My DH made a destructive and financially lethal error marrying Biowh0re and breeding with her. She is responsible for her behavior but my DH is also responsible for the mistake that took him way too long to correct.

Everyone IRL knows and says I’m a good wife and a good mother. Their unsolicited opinion. I by no means regard myself as perfect. I’m far from perfect.

 I bear responsibility for marrying my douche ex husband and not leaving him the minute he put his hands on me. This is not the same thing as saying he had the right to use his hands at all.

I am a huge upgrade in every aspect for my husband. He is a huge upgrade for me, too.

The only real problems we have is with his foul beast of an ex whore who is among the worst, most useless mothers, ever.

Her mother is classless pond scum and a f*cking sleazy ass whore, too.

Yes, I have extreme contempt and disdain for the lot of them; they are reprehensible trash. I’ve met slugs that were more useful and pleasant lol.

Monkeysee's picture

I agree with you on this. BM hasn’t alienated the boys, and I do believe blame for alienation lies solely with the parent who alienates the children, BUT these men chose to breed with these women. 

My DH knew his ex was a manipulative, horrible, controlling woman who only cares about herself, yet chose to put his head in the sand & produced two children. So I have limited sympathy for him when she parents the same way, using manipulation, control & a greater care for herself than her children. He knew exactly what he was doing & he took the ‘easy’ way out by sticking his head in the sand, and his kids will bear the cost of that. I feel for the kids for having a mother like that, but I don’t feel sorry for my DH who’s suffering the consequences of his actions.

When you choose to breed with crazy, that’s your cross to bear. I put responsibility on DH’s shoulders because he should have known better but was too lazy to make better decisions for himself. 

tog redux's picture

Seriously Harry? Do you think anyone chooses to marry someone who alienates their kids with full knowledge it will happen?

OP, just be there to support him. My SS19 was alienated for 3 years, but he's back now, so there is hope.  The relationship is not solid, but at least it's there. My DH didn't struggle with milestones, he struggled more with worry about SS because he clearly wasn't doing very well in life.

Life was less stressful for both of us, too, and with SS's return came more stress - but DH is happy to have him back.  So make sure DH doesn't lose hope - most alienated kids do return.  He should just keep the lines of communication open and let them know he loves them.

SM12's picture

DH and I have talked about the possibility they will come back around.  I don’t tell DH but I don’t see it happening for years if at all.  BM has made them totall dependant on her.  The only hope I see is if they end up marrying a psycho who does the same thing to them.  For now I will just be here when he needs to vent about it.

tog redux's picture

I said the same thing about SS19, and BM has also made him totally dependent on her.  I thought it wouldn't happen until his late 20's.  But he did come back around, and now he's got an older girlfriend who is luring him away from BM, which is a development I would never have expected in a million years.

You never know how things are going to go.

moving_on_again's picture

All 3 skids came back. If the ex really has a mental disorder, it's likely they need the other parent at some point. I heard that ol psycho is getting the boot from her husband when the last kid graduates and she's telling everyone that she has to "go live with her parents!" No sympathy for that hag. The karma train is about to run her over. 

And no, no one can predict what will happen. I just saw the most faithful, kindest, Christian man leave his wife of over 30 years with whom they had six children. They seemed perfect, but he cheated and they divorced. I am sure she thought their marriage was "til death do us part." 

thinkthrice's picture

We've all ignored red flags.  Chef completely ignored the juvenile Behavior by the Girippo

 I'm not just talking silliness I'm talking drunken sorority parties being locked repeatedly out of her vehicle taking no responsibility for herself.   Pranks including stealing road signs that would have caused an accident had not been caught in time.  

Even chefs mother warned him when she was still alive that the Girhippo was awfully young meaning young mentally for him.

Lndsy747's picture

SO doesn't say anything about milestones and overall handles the alienation pretty well now too but I'm sure it must bother him. Although we were excluded from a alot of them already even when she was still coming over. Honestly it makes me sad too that we'll miss so much. I know prom is in a few weeks, SD is old enough to drive when she's ready, and I doubt we'll see high school graduation. 

I feel like SD will be back in her early 20s most likely. I think BM will kick her out and she'll try living with us. I don't think either of our relationships with her will ever be the same though.

I agree with others, support your SO when you can emotionally. Don't try to but their love it's only a temporary fix to get their attention/affection. I feel like milestones are exciting but honestly I have plenty of other memories with my parents that stand out more than the typical teen milestones.